A Guide to Home Workouts

So the holiday festivities have been over for a month now, and who’s still trying to get the feast weight off? Me, for one. For the new year, all the women in the world have resolved to lose weight and I thought… eh, actually, wouldn’t be bad, I mean I gained five pounds.

Like a few million others out there I’m on a constant quest of finding a way to stay fit and thin sexy healthy without putting in effort, time, and/or money. Well, unfortunately, your average fitness journey is a pick-at-least-two kind of deal, and since I don’t have any goddamn money, for me it’s effort and time. The solution: work out at home! Of course! If the internet can help you pack on pounds by making you sit in front of your computer eating chocolate, it can just as well help you lose that weight again (It’s like a women’s magazine: “Love yourself the way you are”, “To-die-for cake recipes”, “Lose 10 pounds in 10 days”). So here is a handy totally not-in-any-way-exaggerated guide to your typical, average, easily-doable-by-everyone home workout:

Step 1: Start by spending 2-3 hours dicking around the internet to gather mental strength.

Step 2: Struggle into your sports bra. This counts as warm-up.

Step 3: Rearrange your two breast friends to a comfortable position inside your sports bra. This may take a while.

Step 4: Get distracted by how the material of your sports bra makes your tit-arranging hand look like a skeleton hand. Boo, I’m a ghost! Lol, so tweeting this.

Step 5: Admire how strong your shoulders look when you’re wearing a sports bra. Re-enact the “You talkin’ to me?”-scene from Taxi Driver.

Step 6: Put on the rest of your workout clothes. Doesn’t matter what, really, can be your overpriced super-absorbent, super-airy, super-anything anything, or just some old t-shirt you found lying on the floor.

Step 7: Now that you’re adequately prepared, choose your workout vids. You might choose a DVD or one of the gazillion Youtube instructors. Get your equipment ready, yoga mat, weights, whatever.

Step 8: Start your workout.

Step 9: Take a fifty second break after the first ten seconds to catch your breath because holy French fries are you out of shape.

Step 10: Exercise is a great way to change your perspective on things! As you’re lying on your back, working your abs or whatever, you catch sight of the floor, look around the room and think, “Why is there stuff on the floor? I just vacuumed the whole place yesterday!” Skip the next ten reps to agonize about how your house gets dirty so quickly.

Step 11: Remember that e-mail you meant to write an answer to and make a mental note not to forget about it.

Step 12: Pause your vid and answer that e-mail because suddenly you can’t concentrate on anything else.

Step 13: Have a drink of water and continue with your workout. Catch sight of your mirror image in the TV screen and admire your butt for a good thirty seconds. Whoa, mama!

Step 14: Lose your balance while staring at your butt and fall over.

Step 15: Skip that one exercise you can’t do.

Step 16: Skip that one exercise you don’t like.

Step 17: Skip that one exercise you technically can do, but it’s hard and you’re not in the mood for hard, you just want to keep that high calorie meal you had earlier from turning into weight!

Step 18: Continue with the exercises you can do and want to do.

Step 19: Five minutes left! Get super motivated because your workout is almost over and then you can finally go and get ice cream!

Step 20: Finally! Workout done, video off, and you off to the shower. Man, you must be really fit already, you’re not even that sweaty!

Step 21: Have ice cream for your post workout meal, you earned it! And ice cream is basically pure protein anyway, right?