Clothes Make the Woman… Angry, That Is.

Clothing industry, are you and me gonna have a problem?

So as you may know I’m a human which means I have to wear clothes because otherwise small children will faint and I’ll get arrested. Also, frostbite. But how in the world am I going to avoid this quandary if you, clothing industry, keep giving me tissue paper to wear?

Seriously. I don’t have abundances of money, so I can’t buy like locally grown vegan clothing like all them rich ethical bitches. I don’t have any damned money. What do you need to get money? A job. What do you need to get a job? A job interview. What do you need for a job interview? Acceptable clothes. What am I not getting anywhere? You guessed it. I tried to buy a nice looking shirt on sale. Online, because y’know, grad school kicking my ass with some last exams and there’s no way I can just leave the house to do some shopping. Nice simple shirt, will go great with business casual or smart casual. Shirt arrives. Shirt is tried on.

Shirt is see-through.

What in the everloving hell?

Not sheer. That would have been too obvious. Just thin enough to be see-through.

Oh, I’m sorry, store, I guess I wasn’t aware of your stripper collection! You know, when they said everyone can be a star, this wasn’t what they meant, you know that, right? Andy Warhol was predicting YouTube and Twitter, not YouStrip and Titter. (Although…)

It wasn’t see-through on the store’s page. It just looked, y’know, shirty. But literally, you can see everything! I’m not sure I’m applying in the right kind of industry to wear see-through clothing to an interview. No, really, I don’t think my clearly visible bra is going to help me any. Especially not when apparently 90% of HR is female.

And even if I wasn’t too fat to be a stripper I’d refuse to wear almost transparent anything in public.

Seriously, I navigate across four pages of seventies style blouses with cut-outs so everyone can see your bra and flab just to arrive at the one decent looking shirt and then it’s fucking see-through?!

I mean, I know it’s going to be fucking summer in, hm, six months, but come on!

And don’t even get me started on pants. Pants would be the enemy if skirts were a feasible option. This is 2016! We all have giant mobile phones! How do we not have pockets on our pants?! What do you expect me to do, fashion industry, put my phone in my bag where I have to dig it out between my wallet, my keys, my asthma inhaler, writing pad, pens, assorted tampons, hand sanitiser, and my emergency snickers bar? Look, there’s a Greenpeace guy with a clipboard right there at the corner, I need to pretend I’m busy, I need my fucking phone! Now! Give me pockets on my damn trousers, dammit!

Also, I don’t know if you can see it under all the facial hair, but I’m a woman. I need pockets to sneak tampons into the bathroom at work because taking my entire bag is not fucking subtle, okay? You know what’s also not subtle? Walking around with a suspiciously clenched fist because I’m smuggling a tampon down the hallway. I might as well go around parading the tampon box over my head. No, I’m not angry because of my period. I’m angry because of the lack of proper pockets on my clothes! Forget penis envy! Ain’t no one want to deal with penis anyway! Pocket envy‘s where it’s at!

And Boyfriend wonders why I’m basically running around in drag. It’s no use. I’m going to wear men’s shirts until I die. And men’s pants, because they have pockets. Fucking pockets, man. Fucking pockets got me acting like a crack addict.


Rant Day! Things That Pissed Me Off So Far This December!

Item 1: Professors who lack time management skills. Look here, mate, I have a busy life, so if you could stop talking for fucking ever and let people get on with their presentations, that would be great. We’re behind schedule like whoa. I want to know if I have my own presentation before or after the holiday break. I have to plan this shit, you know! Christmas season is stressful enough already!

Item 2: Dear internet, please shut the fuck up with Hotline Bling, that song’s creepy as hell. Also, Drake? You okay there? Dude, you weren’t always a creepy obsessed ex – or were you? Oh, so you left the city and your fuck buddy now has lost all interest in you? And yes, that was a fuck buddy relationship – you weren’t living together and she just called you up when she wanted sex. You were her booty call! Minor relationship! Get over it! And now she’s going to parties and has new friends, like how dare she! Wait a minute, didn’t you say you left the city? So how the hell do you know all that? Are you stalking her? Also, can we please retire this whole men-telling-women-what-they-are-and-where-they-belong-bullshit? We can make up our own minds, thank you very much. And if your booty call doesn’t want your dick anymore, that doesn’t mean she’s no longer a ‘good girl’. What even is that? And why should she follow your bullshit biased double standards for ‘being a good girl’? Why should anyone? Build a bridge and get over yourself, dude.

Item 3: To anyone wondering why I almost never wear earrings, it’s because my ears hate them. They will literally spit them out. As happened today when I lost the left one of my brand new pair of earrings. That no other store has, for some reason. Just fell out of the hole in my ear without so much as a by-your-leave. Dammit!

Item 4: Almost completely lost my appetite, somehow not losing weight, though. Not fair!

Item 5: Dear party of Slavic hobbits, this is a public subway train. First of all, why is none of you over five feet tall? Seriously. Something in the water where you’re from? Second of all, no amount of shoving or cuddling up against me will make me move. Mostly because moving has become impossible since roughly a hundred people have boarded the car simultaneously. Go find your wizard, he’ll explain this to you. What do you expect me to do, glue myself to the ceiling?

Item 6: I love my new winter jacket but it makes me look like an ogre. I’m at least one and a half times as broad as usual. But it has pockets!

Item 7: I’ve already had it with this month, seriously, I just want to sleep at this point. If I was to make a country of my own, it’s name shall be Hiber Nation. (Get it?)

Blergh. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I can haz vacation, pls?

Rant Day! Things That Pissed Me Off, Oct 12 – 18

Item 1: Remember how I spent all summer complaining about the heat? Yeah, well, now I’m cold. Is there no decent weather to be had on this rotten planet?

Item 2: Got up early, had breakfast, got dressed, was super motivated, only to find out my class was cancelled. Goddamnit!

Item 3: Why is it always the old male profs who are so hideously unorganised it makes me want to bash my brains out with a steel rod? Is that sexist? Is that ageist? I mean, yeah, maybe, but it’s also true. Like, any female prof and young male prof I ever had arrived in the first session all like, “Alright, attendance list, check. Waiting list, check. Sorry, you’re out, better luck next time. Here’s your reading list and your schedule for the semester, it also tells you how you are being graded, everyone take one, but it’s also online. Here’s a list with group presentation topics and dates, everyone pick one and collect contact addresses from your presentation colleagues. I’ll expect you to mail me your powerpoint slides at least two days in advance. You’ll also be writing your paper on this topic, short paper, about ten pages, just an fyi. Use any style sheet you’re comfortable with, but be consistent. On X date I’m not here, so there’s no class, on X date we’ll have our final exam, you’ll get to choose between two questions dealing with any of the literature we’ve discussed, you pick one, write a short essay, about 700 words. Deadline for your papers is X. My office hours are X, drop in any time. Any questions? No? Alright, let’s get this party started with an introduction to our topic and why the works on the reading list are significant.”

And every old male prof I ever had is like, “Alright, attendance… oh, no, why don’t I first tell you what this course is about, it’s not like you actually read the info when you signed up. How about I go on a tangent about why I love this particular book so much? Attendance? Oh, well, pass a list around. Who’s on the waiting list? Oh, we’ll get to that later. So anyway… [anecdote][tangent][unrelated thing] By the way, has anyone read any of the books on the reading list already? In another course maybe? Okay, well, don’t pick that one for your presentation. Have I mentioned you’re supposed to do a presentation? What, group or single? We’ll get to that later. Yes, about this book… [tangent] Right, why don’t we set some presentation dates? We’ll get to the exact topics later. Actually, let’s not bother with the topics right now, just see me in my office hour, I’ll think of something. Group presentation? Ah, well, if you think it’s necessary. Final exam? We’ll get to that later. Anyway, do you use X style sheet? Oh, there’s another? Alright, use that. But this one is very different from X style sheet, yes? Ah, well, I’ll think about which you can use. Okay, I changed my mind about topics, everyone presenting in November will have X work and everyone presenting in December will have Y work. Oh, there’s also January? Alright, you take Z work. Deadline for the paper? Oh, let’s say mid-December. Now, remember, I want you to use input from your in-class discussion in your paper. Let’s ignore completely how that’s not possible for anyone presenting after mid-December. Anyway, about this book [tangent][anecdote][entire class confused].”


Item 4: Why is it that in the first week of university everything goes wrong? And I mean everything at once. Like, full on, colleagues having hospital scale accidents. Is there something in the water?

Item 5: Public transport, my arch nemesis! Listen up, fuckboys, the tram is entirely the wrong place for establishing dominance by claiming territory. You don’t have territory here. People are moving all the time. And you’re in the way. That door is broken, I need to get to the other. I said “Excuse me” in a reasonable tone and volume. Thing 1, why don’t you get off the phone for two seconds to move your briefcase that’s in the middle of the aisle? Thing 2, don’t just stare at the wall, move your fat ass out of the way. Let me try again with a slightly louder “Excuse me”. No? Still no reaction? I might as well be thin air. Fine, gentlemen, nice knowing you, meet my umbrella! What? Don’t complain. Move yourselves or get moved.

Item 6: My eye’s hurting again and it’s torture. Also, I’m having the migraine attack from hell on the weekend and nothing is helping. Water, check. Tea, check. Moar water, check. Aspirin, check. Other medical stuff, check. Yoga, check. Nothing! And I so wanted to go to the night flea market! I’m noticing a trend here, every time I prepare to go out and do something fun my body is just like, “Nope!” It’s like the universe is telling me to stay home for reasons I can’t quite fathom and I hope this will make some fucking sense in the fucking future because right now it just feels twelve levels of unfair.

Sigh. I wear my suuuunglasses indoors, so I can, so I can, not die from pain because fuck these liiiights….

Rant Day! Things That Pissed Me Off, Oct 5-10

Item 1: Mayoral elections are coming up and its a mess. Basically, the government is putting a gun to our heads saying “Socialist or right-wing!” and I’m just over here like, “Pull the trigger.” One candidate has proven to be incompetent. The other one is known for shouting a lot but not getting anything useful done. All other parties are so minuscule right now they’ll never even get close to the town hall, so what’s the point? And if I see one more balding fat man slinging mud at another balding fat man I swear I’m going to go postal. Go home! Both of you! No one wants you here! Maybe I should run next time. I’ll establish the first Assassin’s Party. It’s a foolproof scheme. People will vote for me or else I’ll just have them meet with an accident! Then when I’m mayor, everyone will just do as I say unless they want to wake up with a knife in their back! Oh, we’re very conservative, we’re using the world’s oldest method of persuasion: shameless blackmail and old-fashioned violence. We’ll also dress in impeccable black suits. We’re not simple brutes, you know. Just gentlefolk who wish to extract the razorblades from the cotton candy of life. Mostly by stabbing the razorblades.

Item 2: They told us we’d get new windows in October. It is October. Well? I’m waiting. Hop to it. Look, I don’t want much in life, alright? But a couple windows where you don’t have to mop the floor every time it rains outside would be nice. Did you notice it’s been raining rather heavily lately? Well, did you? Because I did.

Item 3: My uterus is eating itself alive again and I’m in a lot of pain.

Item 4: Somehow my city managed to have a giant water main burst that brought all traffic to a standstill and made everyone late not once but twice this week. How old are those damn pipes? It’s not like it was freezing, so… how?

Item 5: I’ve had to take eye drops for over a month now and I still keep missing my eyes. How hard is it to drop the stuff into the eyeball and not literally everywhere else, up to and including nostrils? Extremely hard, apparently. My excuse is that I can’t see what I’m aiming at, which is completely true.

Item 6: People who design game characters who are meant to fight in 12 cm heels should be forced to wear heels for a week. Try doing anything routine and everyday in heels, let alone fight. Try walking for a start. I know there are some drag queens out there who can pack a punch in glittering stilettos but I guarantee you your character is not one of them and neither are you. Also, who keeps proclaiming from up high that torso protection is obsolete for females? Do female game characters have some sort of magical uterus shield that can ward off swords and arrows and whatever magic will get thrown at you? Because if they do I want that. Or do they just not have any vital organs in their mid-sections that need protection? Is that why they’re all so skinny? Do they just cram all their organs into their boobs? That would explain so much! (This complaint brought to you by Diablo III’s Demon Hunter and Barbarian designs.)

Arrgh. I think I’m finished. Anything you’d like to add?

Rant Day! Things That Pissed Me Off, June 6 – June 12

Why do I think this week conspired with fate to make me throw myself out a very high window?

Item 1: I recently read an article stating that due to new analysis it turns out that 50% of buried Viking warriors in a grave were actually female. How do they know that? Because they finally analysed the damn bones! The bone structure and everything, which as every idiot should know, there are giant differences between male and female bone structures. Used to be, they just looked at the grave goods and were like “Huh, swords, shields, they were warriors. Obviously they were males!” I also read another article, where it turns out most stone age artists (the awesome cave painting artists) 40,000 years ago were actually mostly women! How do they know that? Because they finally analysed the damn paintings! Used to be, they just looked at the paintings and assumed they were made by men because obviously men were hunters so obviously they would paint animals as hunting magic. Why did they assume all this? I dunno, because men are obviously so much more logically inclined, I guess (it’s evolution, just like the fact that they have to sleep around whenever possible, dontchaknow.) And they just assumed. Because it was so obvious to them that women didn’t participate in society in the past, oh, 400,000 years. Which of course begs the question what else archaeologists and historians were wrong about because they based their claims on assumptions instead of actual evidence. If the fact that male scientists did not use actual science in a scientific discipline to back up their claims doesn’t convince you we still need feminism I don’t know what will.

Stop with the assuming and stick to good academic practice, damn you! End male bias in academia! When you assume you make and ass out of u and me.

Item 2: Printers. So we had to exchange the modem and predictably our wifi printer doesn’t work no mo’. So I’m like, no big deal, I’ll just install it anew. Except it is a big deal because it can’t find a connection on its own and the network cable is nowhere to be found. No big deal, I say, I shall purchase a new one. Except that I couldn’t find any store that had those very particular cables. No big deal, I say, I’ll order one on the Internet and print out my stuff at the library. Except that we only have two copiers in the library and the queue was very, very long. One girl was even nice enough to let me quickly print some files from my flash drive. Except that I forgot to print two files because I was in a hurry. No big deal, I say, I’ll print it after the seminar. Except that that printer was then broken and the other one out of paper. No big deal, I say as my eye starts to twitch, I’ll run down to the other building and print it there. Except that now my files weren’t working and thus not printable. No. Big. Deal, I say, now slightly frothing at the mouth and generally done with the world, I’ll upload them again and come back tomorrow, I say as I slouch homewards where I proceed to pour myself a very big drink. So I upload my files again. Go to the printing place again. Then the copier ate my copy card and still wouldn’t let me print.

But that’s no big deal, I’m sure the murderous rampage I went on after that will be ruled a crazy mass suicide by the police.

Item 3: Dear otherwise friendly librarian, don’t shush me just because I said thanks to the girl who let me use the copier. Those people around the corner you mention? They’re not actually working, they’re running around barefoot (!) and visiting with their friends. Go shush them!

Item 4: Potential employers everywhere: Don’t ask me to pretend your 10 hour a week job offer is my dream job. It’s not and we both know it. It’s not anyone’s dream job. You need someone to do work for you. I’m capable and diligent. Now let’s cut the bullshit, we both know I’m here about the money. Hire me, pay me, we could be so happy.

Seriously, I shouldn’t even have to write a cover letter for some 10 h/week temp job.

Item 5: I probably blew that postgraduate interview I was angsting about last week because I still have too little work experience in the field. Because somehow you always need work experience in a specific field before you can start education in this field. However that’s supposed to work, since everyone expects you to have this education before they can consider you for an internship, much less a job.

Item 6: “Hold on until Monday”. That’s my mantra until, uh, Monday. Then things will get easier and all I’ll have to do is write.

Some days I’m so done I pour whisky in my Ben&Jerry’s tub.

Is There Even One Chore I Like?

No, there isn’t, otherwise it wouldn’t be called a chore. Oh for life to be like an MMO! Move your hands over the fire and tada, food! Hack at some rock and receive ore. Twiddle your hands again to make clothes. Oh to carry a wand and not a broom!

Now there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with chores. After all, eliminating bacteria from your living environment is a good thing. But then again, it’s wooooork. I mean, who actually likes scrubbing toilets? And I’m sure only very specialised perverts like taking out the trash. And worse than the fact that it’s work, there’re the people who share your living space who seem to be on a constant mission to thwart your efforts. So let’s rank things according to groan-worthiness.

11. Laundry. Ranked lowest because I have a washerdryer I bought myself because fuck everyone, there’s no room for a decent dryer in my house and I’m not hanging things out to dry. Can’t get a decent load of laundry hung up on a drying rack.

10. Dishes. We have a dishwasher. I insisted we get a dishwasher when we moved in here. I fought tooth and nail because everyone told me, oh but you’re only two people. I said, you’re right, and got the dishwasher anyway. Early in our relationship Boyfriend and me decided that dishes should be his chore. And of course nothing ever got done because Boyfriend can be a lazy sack o’ something and the only way he ever did the damn dishes was by being nagged to almost-death. So I put my foot down and said, dishwasher. Thinking of course that this would free him up for additional chores so I didn’t have to do everything. Did that work? Nope. And as if to mock me he always, with military precision, puts his dishes on top of the dishwasher instead of taking the five seconds to open the damn thing and putting the dishes inside.

9. Kitchen cleaning. I usually wipe the kitchen counter any chance I get. Put something in the oven? Perfect time for a wipe. Put something in the microwave? Let’s see how clean I can get this sink in 60 seconds. Now wiping the fronts of cabinets, that’s a real chore. And one reserved for spring cleaning.

8. Taking out the trash. Now this is also one of Boyfriends chores and also involves a lot of nagging. Why nagging? Because a friendly “Could you please take out the kitchen trash when you leave for work tomorrow?” is always met with a groan of agony like I just asked him to get me peaches from Tibet.

7. Dusting. This is annoying because I have to do it every second day because I’m allergic. Of course being allergic doesn’t make it easier to dust. A couple times a year, usually somewhere around a holiday, I bite the proverbial bullet, get out the ladder and even dust in places my 5’4” ass usually can’t reach.

6. Changing bedsheets. I don’t know what it is with changing bedsheets and covers but I find it supremely annoying and time-consuming. Like I have to take everything off the bed, get the new covers, strip the old covers off, put the new covers on, take the old sheet off, put a new one on, then make the bed, then put everything that was on it on it again.

5. Bathroom cleaning. Who even invented shower cubicles and who decided they should be so difficult to keep clean? Also, why is there beard hair all over the damn place? I can have the bathroom spotless by mid-afternoon and by 6 pm at the latest it will be ruined again because Boyfriend showers and somehow manages to flood the room and get hair from various parts of his body all over everything.

4. Ironing. It’s not really the ironing itself, because I’m actually pretty fast. I can get two loads of laundry ironed and folded in an hour. What I don’t like about it is the fact that, because I usually iron on the weekends, Boyfriend just sits around in the same room, playing on his computer, leisurely as you please, while I have to do manual work that makes me feel like such a housewife. Dammit, I want some free weekend, too, dammit!

3. Groceries. One, everything is expensive as hell and I get severely depressed each time I see the numbers at the checkout. Two, so I make a list. A nice comprehensive list that takes into account this weeks meal plan as well as the kitchen inventory I did not half an hour before leaving the house. Then Boyfriend keeps putting things in the cart that aren’t on the list. And then I have to argue. I don’t like that. Just keep to the list.

2. Vacuum cleaning. The vacuum cleaner is heavy. I don’t like dragging heavy things around, especially not if they snag on every damn corner or door or whatever is lying on the floor again that I didn’t put there. And I always have to change the front part for another because someone decided you can’t vacuum furniture with the normal part. And then I lean the whole thing against a wall or something and it won’t stand still for one goddamn second and falls on my foot.

1. COOKING! OMG, nothing I hate more! Do people who don’t cook even realise how much mental effort goes into cooking? It’s small wonder I suffer from decision fatigue. Like, you have to budget. You have to make a more-or-less plan for an entire week because shit you have other things to do when you get home besides deciding what you’ll eat today (you know, like laundry and vacuum cleaning because ain’t no one gonna help you). You have to buy groceries accordingly and hope to heaven or hell that the thing you bought on Friday that’s supposed to be good for a week will not have gone bad by Monday. Then you have to consider all the other people who’re gonna eat the same thing. And then you cook, you chop your veggies, you agonize over too crisply cooked meat, you feel guilty because this meal is not entirely in line with your diet and you really need to lose weight and why do humans even have to eat? And then you serve and it takes forever to get the people who live with you to abandon their digital devices and come tot he table, and then they don’t like it. And then they don’t feel like it. And then they’d rather have something else, like X, you didn’t make X in a while. And this has to be done every day, over and over and over, until you finally snap, reach for the steak knife and stab your way into the history of great criminal cases.

And I don’t even have kids. Guess I better keep it that way.

Introducing: Rant Day!: Things that pissed me off this week

New feature, you say? Alright, new feature it is. And I’m sure this will be easy to keep up.

I’m not yet sure if it will be every Friday, or Saturday, or just on the weekend, but I’m sure I’ll be able to vent once a week. I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about me here!

So what pissed me off this week? Well…

Item 1: Slow people. Where do you come from and why don’t you crawl back there? Why do you need to be… so… slow? Why are you always in front of me? Why do you insist of walking in the exact middle of the sidewalk so no one can overtake you? Why do you and your friends decide the sidewalk is yours and yours only and none shall pass? You’re not fucking Gandalf, but I swear I’ll go balrog on your ass if you don’t move out of the way right the fuck now! This goes double for suits! I don’t care if you’re lawyers! Even the Queen of England doesn’t insist on walking six men abreast on a public sidewalk! And don’t you dare give me the stink eye when my bicycle bell scares the shit out of you, that’s what you get for walking in the clearly marked bike lane! What are you good for and why do you exist?!

Item 2: People who stand in passageways. It may be a doorway, like the only entrance to the department building. It may be the door of the subway. It may be the door of the train. It may be a narrow corridor. They are there! And they will not leave! Seriously, why do you need to park your ass right in front of the train doors if you have no intention whatsoever of getting off at the next stop? I mean, I could kinda understand it if it was super crowded, but it’s not. Bugger off! And why do you and your friend think the only place to hold your friendly chat is in the middle of the fucking doorway? Take two steps to either side and blab to your hearts’ content there! And why do you and your 5-6 people clique scoff as I push through you on my way to the library? Do not scoff if I push you out of the way! If you don’t react to “Excuse me, please”, it’s push time in my book. You are in the way, you probably know you are in the way, that is, if you are possessed of any kind of reasoning facility, though with your pitifully small head I doubt it, and you deserved that push! I mean, I tried to be nice! Have you any idea how hard it is to be nice when all I want to do is murder you and bury you in the backyard? Fuck the hell off!

Item 3: Boyfriend: Yes, it’s nice that you decided to take a month long vacation before starting your advanced training to spend time with me, but did it have to be October? You know October is always hella busy, don’t complain! I warned you! And don’t tell me you’re not mad. I know you’re mad. Might as well just come out and say “Why did you have to find a job now?” Instead of turning around and saying it’s not even a real job. If you’re bored between your seemingly endless playing of three different PC games while I’m away, there’s plenty of work that needs doing around the house, so get going!

Item 4: My face: Did you really need to break out now? I know I’m stressed right now, but guess what, you’re not helping! You’re making me more stressed! By the way, do your eyes really have to be this close together? Can’t you move that up a bit?

Item 5: Myself: Stop procrastinating and get things done, dammit! Why do you always leave things to the last moment?! You know it only end badly for you! Get off your ass, stop the Doctor Who marathons, (quit the potato chips while we’re at it), and do something productive! Also, you haven’t worked out for two days in a row again, get your cunting arse in gear!

Item 6: My social life: Really, friends? No word from you all summer long, because you were all too busy going on holidays and “didn’t feel like doing anything” if you weren’t, and now all of a sudden it’s like “Have time for me!”? I do what I can but you just maybe have to wait a week! Why does my social life always come in clusters? Swarms? Quagmires? I’m being swamped with social things here!

Item 7: Weather: Pick a temperature and stick with it! What are you, Bella from Twilight? You’re the weather, dammit, not some Mary Sue who can’t decide between some stupid boys!

Item 8: Can’t a girl be alone anywhere?! Seriously, sometimes I get nostalgic about living with my parents because at least I had a room of my own! (And that was about the only good thing about that particular living arrangement, I keep reminding myself, but at least I could be alone somewhere.)

And that was all from me for now. What pissed YOU off this week?