WoW Wednesday: Twelve Things I Found Flying Around the Coasts of Pandaria

Pandaria might just be my favourite expansion when it comes to visuals. I mean, look at this:

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This is serene as fuck! I had something similar to this as my desktop background for a while. You really get the feeling that Blizzard went all out trying to create something beautiful, and if you compare it to earlier expansions your jaw should drop by how far graphics technology has come in only, what, no even ten years.

And because the guys at Blizzard have a sense of humour, they also keep adding funny little bits into the game. Because I already did one of these lists for Draenor, today you’re getting the previous expansion, Pandaria. Look, I even prettied myself up for you with my fall gear:

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#transmogswag

So I did the math and going through my old screenshots trying to find the right ones was actually taking up more time than just doing the tour again, so that’s what I did. See how nice I am? Here’s some things and places where quests don’t necessarily lead you. All along the coastline. Enjoy!

1. This reference to Up north of Jade Forest

 I mean…

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There’s also this Pandaren called Kar:

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And this grummle with a huge backpack:

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2. Sri-La

Maybe this shouldn’t be part of this list because I think there was actually a quest leading there,  but on the off chance that someone missed a quest or two, here it is anyway. This is a small Pandaran village off the coast of Jade Forest and you’ll know by the wreckage of Horde and Alliance ships all around that their peaceful life has just taken an unexpected turn.

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The good people here enjoy fishing:

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Lots of fishing:

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And now there’s interesting Goblin wreckage to look at while fishing (you can tell it’s a Goblin zeppelin because it’s crashed):

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3. This pandaren fisher who doesn’t like Alliance

This looks cosy, doesn’t it? Not if you’re Alliance, because this fella right here will start whacking you with his fishing rod:

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4. This little Pandaren fisher village in Krasarang Wilds:

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There’s this little guy with his giant goldfish:

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And this kid who looks exactly like the other kid who wants to be a shaman when he grows up:

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Maybe they’re twins?

And this kid flying a kite:

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5. Where Serpent’s Spine meets the sea:

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And from the other side…

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Eeegh!

6. This song reference:

This is a little pandaren called Adele:

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She’s rolling around a place called Widening Deep. Get it yet?

7. A big unfriendly kraken:

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There is actually a quest where you have to beat this thing. Apparently though, it doesn’t die, because it’s still floating around near the northern coast of Townlong Steppes, so if you’re planning on going for a swim there… don’t.

Generally swimming is a bad idea, there are big evil things in the water everywhere:

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8. This little cave north-west of Kun Lai Summit:

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Oh, what could be in there?

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Huh? A hozen giving a drum solo? On four bongos? I mean, there’s also bones…

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But mostly just this guy.

9. This hut containing a tuskarr and a hozen:

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 The tuskarr is named Wally. So… does that mean I found Wally?

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10. This flying tortoise:

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If you /wave at it, it will follow you for a bit, but it’s pretty slow.

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11. This woman swimming laps north of Kun Lai:

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And her enthusiastic pandaren trainer:

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12. The Secret Aerie:

Tucked between Kun Lai and Jade Forest you’ll find a little pandaren mountain village:

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Hard working pandaren building boats, because everyone on Pandaria is always somehow hammering on a boat:

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Arguing about pugs:

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Training falcons:

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This woman hacking on fish bones (what even?):

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This seems to be the boss:

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…okay then.

 And that’s all from this expansion. Next week, we’ll look at skeletons. Jup. Lotsa skeletons.

Nine Reasons I Still Haven’t Quit WoW

It’s been a long, long week and all I want to is kick back with a cup of tea and kill something. My poor little neglected mage is making big soulful eyes at me and I cave, log in, and… and now what?

Okay, so… admittedly, my Warlords of Draenor enthusiasm faded with the speed of a raid boss nerf after every .1 patch update. And we started out so well! New world, check. New enemies, check. Housing, oh my god, finally, check. New pets, check. (What? There’s no such thing as too many pets.) And then the honeymoon stage ended and I was faced with the terrible reality of relationships and MMOs alike: bae ain’t what it used to be.

Maybe it’s not you, Blizzard, maybe it’s me. After all, I’ve been playing since BC. I’ve seen the best of times. I’ve seen the worst of times. You had me go from “What the hell, pandas?!” to “Fuck yeah, pandas!”, and we had such great times, but… times change. People change. Games change. You know what, maybe it’s you after all.

1. I’m more emotionally attached to my characters than is healthy.

Toons are people, too! Somehow, over the years, they accumulated so much personality it’s kind of hard to believe I wasn’t put in a mental institution yet. Or on an RP server. (No, seriously, why don’t I RP? Oh, right, no one can deal with my humour. Or my troll priest’s Jamaican accent.) They all have their own idiosyncrasies and background stories and fanfiction and funny little quirks, not to mention the heavily varied contents of their inventory. (So. Much. Stuff. I still carry around some quest items from long-forgotten and now non-existent BC era quests that my noob self was just too stupid to complete.) Like, my Human mage is very much the hero type, while my Forsaken warlock has a bit of a mischievous streak and is absolutely devoted to her little felhunter. (What? Felhunters are cute, shut up.) Then there’s the Nightelf boomkin who is trying to unify society’s pressure on Elves to look sexy and feminine with her love for RAW MOONFIRE POWER which only comes in the shape of a big fat owl with antlers (it’s a tough life).

…yeah, I may have a problem.

2. Dora the Explorer Syndrome

There are roughly 27 GB worth of screenshots on my hard drive. No matter the content, Blizzard always makes good landscapes. I’m a WoW landscape nerd. I’m also into discovering shit. I’m one of those weirdos that enjoys running literally around continents. The first thing I did when Cataclysm was announced was a last screenshot tour through my belovéd Azeroth. It was then that I discovered – dun dun DUUUUNNN – the original Quel’Thalas which got scratched and replaced by Eversong Forest in BC. You can’t go there anymore because since Cata there’s an invisible wall because gods forbid you see the three and a half Nightelves ruins. Okay, so it was a little anti-climatic in hindsight, but hey, I discovered something! Also, where they put Uldum now, pre-Cata there used to be a tiny Tauren village with a gigantic peace pipe. Also, did you know that at a certain point in Pandaria there’s a flying ghost turtle just chilling and if you wave at it, it’s accompanying you for a bit? Also also, if you go to Outlands Nagrand and fly up just over Throne of the Elements, there is a hut containing a troll woman and lots of children. And bubbling soup cauldrons. Dun dun DUUUUUNNN!

Also also also, there’s something weird going on in Stratholme.

3. Who’s gonna feed all my widdle pets?!

I can’t have pets in real life. So to (over-) compensate I own over 700 pets in WoW. I can’t help it! They’re so cute! They have big eyes and big paws and cute deadly fangs! I’m still waiting for Blizzard to install a cuddle feature because goddamnit! You can’t just give me a cutie like this and then tell me I can’t hug it:

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I may or may not have been caught hugging my screen more times than I’m comfortable admitting.

Look at it! It’s a corgi made of lava! Isn’t this the cutest thing to ever drag it’s fiery butt across the floor?

And I feel bad for them, because there’s so many of them I always feel like I’m neglecting one or the other. I also have clear favourites. I’m such a bad pet mom. Luckily they don’t actually need feeding.

4. There’s always something to do… even if it’s ridiculously work-intensive.

It’s not like there is literally nothing to do in WoD. You can grind rep for about a dozen factions. You can earn the achievement that allows you to use your long neglected flying mounts again. You can be all about your base (all about that base, ’bout that base, more missions! I’m all about that base, ’bout that base, more buildings!) and optimize everything and command your subordinates around all commander-y. You can earn what feels like 752 achievements in dungeons and raids alone. However, everything takes time. So much time. So much damn time I can see people debating with themselves whether or not to quit their jobs and move into a hovel near a coffee shop for the free wifi so they can do alllll those things that theoretically could be done.

What am I doing? Waiting for pet battle quests that I like doing so I can buy moar pets! Oh, and fishing. Lots o’ fishing.

5. Bring on the NPCs!

Not only am I too emotionally involved with my own characters, I’m also too into NPCs. I love Our Lady of the Forsaken and if anything happens to her in the upcoming expansion a rather large delivery of very smelly lutefisk may or may not materialise outside of Blizzard HQ. Better yet, in their air conditioning vents. I’m even more into Jaina since she snapped and went crazy on the Horde’s asses in Dalaran. I will absolutely never forgive Blizzard for moving Tirion Fordring and his horse out of Plaguelands, I liked visiting the guy on his little defunct farm! Then there’s all my furry panda friends in Halfhill, yes, I still go there. Sometimes I even do daily quests for them because well, we have so much history! Yes, I’ll water your fields. Yes, even though it is literally raining right now. And it has literally rained yesterday. For old times sake. (Also, there’s a guy called Gai Lan and I just found out that that’s actually a kind of broccoli. I may or may not have laughed for five minutes straight.)

6. “Stuck with you”

Okay, admittedly not a great reason to keep a relationship going, but… we’ve been together so long now, WoW and me! Like… we got the same phone number, all the same friends, the same address, you know, it’s just what happens when you’re together a really long time, the fire just slowly fizzles out, not least because the mage fire skill tree has a long history of getting nerfed and it’s supremely annoying each time. Like, what am I supposed to do, spec frost or – shudder – arcane?! Thankfully, with the higher gear towards the end of each expansion the problem usually drifts away on its own, but still.

7. World Events

I don’t care if I’ve done Brewfest a thousand times in my lifetime. I don’t even care that they removed virtually all the drinking quests (though they were fun, fuck you, P-12 rating!) and the only beer you get to pelt the attacking Dark Iron clan with is now alcohol free. I’ll be there every day, delivering kegs for tokens just so I can buy a grill. Or a flag. Or… sigh… a pet. You bet I’ll be flying around on a broomstick come Hallow’s End with my little Feline Familiar by my side, landing only to wade ankle deep through the candy buckets. I’ll be there next Winter Veil in my garish sweater singing traditional Winter Veil songs while wearing fuzzy warm socks and a winter hat and placing cushions all over Iron Forge so I have somewhere comfy to sit while I own my fellow players with my unbeatable little racing car. I mean, how do you spend your holidays?

8. The concept of it all

World of Warcraft is generally an amalgam of Earth’s most popular myths, taking bits and pieces from all over the world and mashing them up into entirely new things. For example, Night Elves are a mix of Chinese culture and the mythological amazons, Humans and Forsaken are general Central European, while Dwarves are a fun mix of Scottish and Norse culture. Likewise, some expansions are more on the nose about their origins. Northrend is very clearly inspired by Scandinavian and Canadian landscapes, and Scandinavian and Norse mythology. Pandaria is inspired by a number of Asian landscapes and mythologies, and some references are more obvious than others. And Blizzard just goes and ties them all together by the narratives of the Old Gods, the Titans, and the almost weekly demon invasions. I think this is part of what makes the game so great, the fact that you have something familiar and recognizable, but also something new. Humans generally like to hear the same story told over and over again only differently (think of romcoms or superhero movies, it’s the same damn thing with different names and different misunderstandings, but essentially it’s always the same), and Blizzard has a knack for that.

9. How else would I spend my weekends? Going outside? Among people?!

The flame wars in the trade chat are already more social interaction than I need or want. And you expect me to brace the same endless tirades in the real world? Where I’m required to wear pants or any article of clothing?! And were problems are not solved by wanton destruction of mine enemies?! Sounds like hell to me. In that case, I might as well play Diablo.

And that’s my own, personal, totally not biased reasons for still spending too much time playing this stupid time-consuming game. What are your excuses?

WoW Wednesday! Yes, This Is A Thing Now.

Because I had so much fun with my last World of Warcraft based entry I’m going to make this a semi-regular thing. At least until I get bored. Hope you’re ready to get down and nerdy! All you players, enjoy! All you not-players, prepare to be converted!

Today’s topic is…

Nine Things I Found While Flying Around Draenor

(May or may not contain spoilers for I don’t know, just play the damn game and stop bothering me.)

So I finally got off my ass and finished the damn achievement that allows me to use my flying mounts again. It was a long and gruelling task, but the pay-off was great. Free at last! And of course the first thing I did, because that’s what I always do, is hopping on my carpet and flying around Draenor. Literally around the entire continent. I love doing that! Do you even know the kind of things you discover that way?! It’s awesome!

The good thing since Cataclysm is that new continents are no longer closed off at the coastline as they still mostly are in old Azeroth, like Eastern Kingdoms and Kalimdor. If you fly or ride around those places you generally see a lot of disenchanting rock and some grass. But since we got our old world flying permits in Cata, landscapes on the outer rims of continents became a little more whimsical.

Now, I love flying around places. I love it so much, back in the old days I’d stock up on Elixirs of Water Walking, climbed on my mount and went around the world like that. Obviously, this is easier with a flying mount. Even more obviously, this tradition had to be upheld with Draenor. And I found some stuff.

1.These random chairs in Gorgrond

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 Who the hell puts chairs in the middle of fucking nowhere? Blizzard, that’s ‘oo. I had a good laugh.

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2. Murdered Draenei

And just like that, I stopped laughing, because less than a hundred feet away:

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3. This weird little cage with a skeleton in it

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How? Why? Who? No idea.

4. This weird orc drinking with a skeleton in a cave in Talador

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A cave full of booze. A lone orc. A skeleton. This is either the beginning of a love story or a really elaborate joke.

5. This pretty cave

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Btw, if you click on the glittery flower in the middle it will attack you. Draenor, ladies and gentlemen: Where the mountains are huge, the plains are endless, and the flora is hungry.

6. Chillin’ with my new best friend Barney Farley, ogre dancer extraordinaire

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You can find this guy in Nagrand near the Ring of Blood, putting on the ritz and a show.

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7. This random island north of Highmaul

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Okay, I don’t remember if this place is in any way relevant to the Highmaul raid (probably isn’t), but there’s an island. With skeletons on it. And a disappointingly empty cave.

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8. This sweet old hermit and his dog

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Just a sweet old man in the south of Talador, and while you’re here why don’t you help him with his little Iron Horde problem?

9. John and Yoko of Draenor

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I mean, a pair of lovey-dovey Draenei having a picnic while talking about giving peace a chance? See what you did there, Blizzard.

And that’s all for this week. I’m not really sure what I’ll do for next week’s instalment, soooo it’s a surprise! (I hate surprises. I’m sure you do, too, but I’m mean like that.)

Nine Reasons I Thought About Quitting WoW

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a person of the 21st century in possession of moderate fortune must be in want of a game that allows them to kill stuff. I, too, am fallen prey to the world of PC games, and there is one that always has me coming back for more: World of Warcraft.

But even though I’ve willingly been in thrall to this game for the better part of a decade now, it has me going round the bend at times. My relationship with WoW is a lot like those slightly dysfunctional on again, off again relationships of sitcoms: It’s the best expansion ever! It’s the worst expansion ever! There’s nothing to do! There’s so much to do! I love it! I hate it!I want to marry it! I want to hack my computer to pieces!

Ahem. Anyway, since I’m in a bit of a WoW rut again (and because I feel like this blog needs a new lil’ feature anyway) I thought I’d do a list of my personal, totally not biased reasons for coming thiiiiis close to quitting the thing entirely.

1. EES

What I like to call End of Expansion Syndrome. At the end of every expansion you usually hit a point where there’s just nothing to do for you. All the story lines have been completed, all raids have been raided, all the loot has been farmed, technically you could still run heroic but your guild somehow disappeared to this other server called Real Life and it’s just no fun without them, because raid browser? Nah. Sure, you can still grind rep, or farm ALL the gold, or become an achievement whore, or run through old content, or level alts, or… but somehow you’re just not feeling it. Maybe you’re just supersaturated. Maybe there is something to this Real Life thing. Whatever the case, you’re ready for something new. Only the next expansion will take For.E.Ver. to finally arrive. And who knows how good that will be. So you sigh, close the game, and try something else for a bit, all the while ranting all over the internet that WoW just lost its touch.

2. Sometimes WoW just raids your motivation to death

If there is one thing you can always do in WoW, it’s raiding. Now, I’m not a big raider anymore. My raid heyday was way back when in Lichking and Cataclysm. Because raiding isn’t fun without a guild, and my guild somehow acquired social lives (they still won’t tell me where that dropped). And the guilds you only join for the express purpose of raiding, they’re usually those super raiderinos who are really uptight about the whole thing. (Or maybe that’s just my rotten luck, but I’m never joining a raid guild again, ever, as long as I live and my server breathes… or something.)

Aaaanyway, coming back from that tangent… Yes, you can always raid, even during EES, but that’s precisely the problem, because suddenly there is nothing to do but raiding. At any other point during the expansion you can log on, check your mail, do a little quest, and log off after an hour so you can still get some sleep to go to your boring job that pays your monthly WoW fee. However, when there’s nothing to do but raid, which takes considerably longer than an hour, even if you’re running for the fiftieth time… okay, if I get home by this time I can log on, say, half an hour later, but the raid starts at X time, and actually I wanted something fancier for dinner than Red Bull and leftover chips, but it’s my turn to take out the trash, so that leaves me approximately 24 min. until starting time, and… But what if Legolaslol (name changed to protect the not-so-innocent) is late again, and we’ll have no way of knowing whether he comes five minutes later or an hour later, actually, maybe that leaves me enough time to order pizza, but what if we start before the delivery arrives, I can’t just answer the door in the middle of the boss fight, though I mean, maybe they could handle forty seconds without me, but wait, if we finish by 11 pm I can still order pizza then, but actually I should be in bed because I have to get up at 6 am…

And if you only raid on weekends, what do you do the rest of the week? Level alts? Get them gear? So they can raid? Eeeehhh…

3. Everything is too hard… or too easy

Over time it’s become abundantly clear that Blizzard doesn’t have a balance spec. Either you get epics, mounts, quests, and raids thrown at you until you cry for mercy, or you have to break your back, sell your soul, your grandmas soul, and toil away well into the small hours of the morning just to get a tiny little smidgen closer to… get gear so you can run heroic dungeons. Which then last four hours because suddenly you actually need a plan to defeat the first boss that’s a little more sophisticated than “hit the thing until it stops moving”. On one side you find yourself pampered and growing lazy, longing for a bit of challenge because damn, are you bored. On the other you feel an overwhelming urge to bite apart your keyboard. Whatever the case, however, history showed us that people bitched about it. Which brings us to our next point…

4. People

It is a widely known fact that people ruin everything. Be it the kind of crazy raid guild that expects you to be available every day 5 pm to midnight, or just the idiots swarming the Trade channel, sometimes you just have enough of the social aspect of the MMO and yearn for the loving embrace of something a little more quiet, a little more solitary, and a little more peaceful, like, dunno, Diablo. So you retire to a quiet life on your Halfhill farm or your WoD garrison, where you lock yourself in your mage tower and refuse to see anyone. You might even go so far as to exploit a software glitch to put a big sign on the outer wall saying, “Keep Out, Humans Orcs I Don’t Care What You Are, Stay OUT!”

Not that I ever toyed with the idea or anything…

5. Lore

Lore is nice, lore is great, lore brings the game to life. Lore is also the most confusing shit ever, and not even the people writing it always have their facts straight, as evidenced by a little dwarf in a red shirt in Ironforge.

WoW, of course, has a lot of lore. There’s so much history in this entire thing you can read all the books and still need the Wiki page to somewhat stay on top of things. And woe betide you if you don’t, because when that happens it’s gonna fuck you up. Sometimes lore happens and suddenly the game is different. Blink, and Garrosh is your boss. Blink, and all the orcs are like, “Trolls go home!” Blink, and the old Tauren is dead. Blink, and Magni Bronzebeard is now a fashionable statue. Blink, and Theramore’s gone. Blink, and Jaina’s finally snapped. Blink, and there’s intrigue and treachery and murder and natural catastrophe (though that’s really rare and usually in some way or another dragon-related) and you sorta just missed it and now you’re just standing there like “Whuh? When did that happen? Who and what now?” And with your half-knowledge you stumble through your quests at the verge of tears because you want to know what’s going on but you know you can never read all those books because some of them? Are not all that well-written. And if you’re a literature buff, that will drive you batty. Exhibit A keeps typing.

6. You took away my dailies?!, or The Boredom of the Leisure Class

One of my main irks with Warlords of Draenor is the pitiable lack of daily quests. Ah, those were the days when you had a dozen factions, each providing you with a set of five or six dailies to complete, and you’d grind so hard your rep and gold would shoot right through the screen! But alas, no more. Now quest NPCs be like, kill those mofos over there until I say stop. Yeah, okay, you can collect some items, too. No, those are enough. No really, I’d rather you off some more orcish twits. Oh, you want some variety? Okay, go kill some Arakkoa mofos. Yeah, kill the entire world, I don’t care. Here’s your 1500 rep and a tip. Don’t spend it all at once.

No, you know, actually I’d rather be back in Pandaria flying on a kite watering fields even though 1) throwing pitchers of water from high up seems a very ineffective method of watering anything, 2) it rained last week, yesterday, and it’s literally raining right now. But that’s still more fun than breaking out the calculator and computing how many of every type of mob I have to kill to get a 100% on the progress bar.

7. The hell did you do to my Azeroth?!, or The Emotional Turmoil Of Change

I’ll be the first person to admit that I don’t like change. Some update changed something in my e-mail inbox recently and I almost screamed. So I’ll just come right out and say that I was not thrilled when Cataclysm was announced. You’re just going to destroy my world?! Rip apart my beloved Ashenvale?! Change all the start zones?! Destroy the dam in Loch Modan?! Flood Menethil?! How could youuuuuu!

So after the initial shock I did the sensitive thing: I took my mount and did a great screenshot tour through old Azeroth before it was changed forever. And when Cataclysm rolled around, well, I wasn’t happy, but I acclimatised. Slowly. Over time. I mean, I still cried every time I entered Ashenvale. Or the Barrens. Or Stormwind where the park used to be. Or…. But by the time EES hit I had had a lot of sessions with a very capable bereavement specialist who now enjoys a nice and quiet life on the Maldives, and I had gotten used to everything.

I’ll never forgive Blizzard for putting me through all this, though. You’re toying with my emotions here, man!

8. My other fandom just released an MMO

Sometimes, you have a nice, stable long-term relationship with a nice, reliable person, bit rough around the edges but hey, who’s perfect? You have your routines, you know each others’ quirks, you’re comfortable with each other. But then, one warm summer evening you’re at a friend’s party and someone enters the room. Tall. Dark. Handsome. And he whispers… “I have a spaceship.”

And it’s a whirlwind romance of new and exciting things and you’re floating on a pink cloud thinking, this is the best ever, nothing else will ever compare, I’m never going back.

This is more or less what happened to me when SWTOR happened. Oh my stars and garters, it was like an exhilarating but forbidden affair. It lasted about as long as one, too. I mean, I love Star Wars. I love spaceships. I love bounty hunters. Now there’s someone offering me a galaxy far, far away that contains all my heart’s spacey desires. It just happened! It was just that one time (for a stretch of a few months)! But it meant nothing to me, I swear!

9. The Real Life server called

This is actually a legit reason to quit any game: Suddenly, there’s stuff to do, and it can’t be solved with pyroblasts. There are not many things that can’t be solved with a good pyroblast, so you know this is serious. Maybe you got a job. Maybe you got a family. Maybe you ran out of money. In my case, I was finishing a degree programme and decided, as much fun as it was to kill stuff, I really should do something with my life. Something more productive. Something that ensure I will be able to pay the monthly fees in the future. And thus, with tears in my eyes (not really) I hung my mage’s staff on a wall (figuratively speaking), hugged all my pets (okay, I actually did that), and rode forth into the sunset, through the portal and rejoined the magical kingdom of Real World. The quests really sucked. Graphics were okay. Bit grey, though.

And that’s why, at diverse dates, I almost quit my beloved game for good. And if you want to know why I still haven’t you need to stay tuned, this may become a regular blog thing. Cheers.

Soul What?

Leaving aside for a moment the pressing question of whether or not a thing like the soul even exists in any scientifically tangible way…

How do I define soulmate? What kind of tired TV trope even is this ‘soulmate’ business?

Okay, so as far as my understanding goes, cultivated by abundant amounts of American movies, a soulmate is That One Person who just ‘Gets’ You (or anyway the person you end up with in act three of every romantic comedy after the Big Terrible Misunderstanding has been cleared up with minimal to zero effort). You know, that instant connection, something-meaningful-to-connect-two-people-for-the-rest-of-their-lives-and-no-one-else-can-ever-be-this-special kind of tired ass bullshit. It’s bullshit because every kind of media would have you believe that your soulmate absolutely has to also be your One True Love.

I like to call this the soulmate romance fallacy. Let’s try an example: Imagine you know this absolutely wonderful person, you’ve known each other for years, you just click, you can talk for hours, if you are apart for a while you fall right back into your old habits when you’re reunited, you have so many things in common, you’re a comfort to each other, you complement and complete each other, you stick to each other’s side in good times and bad alike. But you can’t be in a romantic relationship because you’re both women and heterosexual. Now what? Back to square one?

This obsessive tying of soulmateship and romance is what I see as the principle problem of the entire damn concept. Nothing about the suggestion that a soulmate is the person you like best and that you have the most in common with and that you get along with the best suggests an automatic romantic or sexual connection, yet this is probably the only kind ever to be portrayed in media. So, because I’m notoriously unromantic, I’ll give you some other possible scenarios:

1)Soulmate + Romance

a) You and your soulmate are in a romantic relationship. Everything’s fine, roll the credits.

b) You and your soulmate are in a romantic relationship, but it’s not going well. Despite your many similarities, your sleep schedules crash, you have different ideas what a commitment is due to your upbringing, and your levels of OCD when it comes to household cleanliness are not the same. So what do you do? Break it off like every other relationship that is not working out or stick with it because you feel obligated because after all, this is your soulmate and you’ve seen all the movies and know how it’s supposed to go? Are you still soulmates if you’re not together?

2) Soulmate + Unrequited Love

a) You found your soulmate. For whatever reason, however, you can’t be together. They’re in a relationship. You’re in a relationship. Maybe they’re gay. Maybe you’re not. Maybe you live half a planet away and only communicate online while both of you are happily coupled with someone else. Maybe you live next door but there just is no sexual attraction for any number of reasons. What do you do? Become romantically involved anyway, even though it will not work out?

b) You found your soulmate. You’re in love with your soulmate. They very much do not feel the same for you, even if you are their most important person, they just don’t feel that way about you. So now what? Do you remain friends? Do you get over it? Do you do the awkward fade out? Do you obsessively try to make them fall for you because after all, you’re soulmates? Maybe they are in a relationship with someone else, would you sabotage that so you can be together?

3) Soulmateship vs. The Infinite Irony of the Universe

a) You found your soulmate. But you are not this person’s soulmate. No one ever said soulmateship had to be a mutual thing.

b) Your soulmate was born in a different time than yours, either having died before you two could meet or they are yet to be born, probably when you’re dead.

c) What if your soulmate is not even a human being, but, say, a cat? One of the twenty five you own because you’re convinced you never met your soulmate and opted for the next best thing, namely dying a crazy cat lady/man death? Or maybe it’s a place, or an occupation, or a book, or a culture, or, dunno, horticulture?

d) Your soulmate was born in a different part of the planet, or even on a different planet, and you’ll never meet.

e) Your soulmate is a giant squiggly ten-eyed tentacled alien from planet Zoon but you’ll never find out because you two have absolutely no way of communicating with each other even if you do meet. Star-cross’d lovers indeed.

4) Soulmates and Numbers

a) Where is it set in stone that everyone gets only one soulmate? Who decided this? First door on the right, one soulmate each? I don’t think so. So you have one and then they die, then what? You can never have a soulmate again? You spend the rest of your live in sub-par relationships because, after all, they’re not your soulmates but merely props to fill the void in your sad trampled heeeeaaaarrrrrt, so they can’t possibly be as meaningful?

b) What if you have multiple soulmates at the same time? But not all of them are mutual? And not all of them are in your time or your planet? This is getting pretty confusing.

5) Extra Credit

You’re your own soulmate. Boom!

And that, in a nutshell, is why the entire idea of a soulmate is doomed from birth. Too many variables. Too damn complicated. Also, too damn clichéd, go back to watching The Notebook if that’s what you’re into. Your soulmate sure as hell isn’t.

Is There Even One Chore I Like?

No, there isn’t, otherwise it wouldn’t be called a chore. Oh for life to be like an MMO! Move your hands over the fire and tada, food! Hack at some rock and receive ore. Twiddle your hands again to make clothes. Oh to carry a wand and not a broom!

Now there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with chores. After all, eliminating bacteria from your living environment is a good thing. But then again, it’s wooooork. I mean, who actually likes scrubbing toilets? And I’m sure only very specialised perverts like taking out the trash. And worse than the fact that it’s work, there’re the people who share your living space who seem to be on a constant mission to thwart your efforts. So let’s rank things according to groan-worthiness.

11. Laundry. Ranked lowest because I have a washerdryer I bought myself because fuck everyone, there’s no room for a decent dryer in my house and I’m not hanging things out to dry. Can’t get a decent load of laundry hung up on a drying rack.

10. Dishes. We have a dishwasher. I insisted we get a dishwasher when we moved in here. I fought tooth and nail because everyone told me, oh but you’re only two people. I said, you’re right, and got the dishwasher anyway. Early in our relationship Boyfriend and me decided that dishes should be his chore. And of course nothing ever got done because Boyfriend can be a lazy sack o’ something and the only way he ever did the damn dishes was by being nagged to almost-death. So I put my foot down and said, dishwasher. Thinking of course that this would free him up for additional chores so I didn’t have to do everything. Did that work? Nope. And as if to mock me he always, with military precision, puts his dishes on top of the dishwasher instead of taking the five seconds to open the damn thing and putting the dishes inside.

9. Kitchen cleaning. I usually wipe the kitchen counter any chance I get. Put something in the oven? Perfect time for a wipe. Put something in the microwave? Let’s see how clean I can get this sink in 60 seconds. Now wiping the fronts of cabinets, that’s a real chore. And one reserved for spring cleaning.

8. Taking out the trash. Now this is also one of Boyfriends chores and also involves a lot of nagging. Why nagging? Because a friendly “Could you please take out the kitchen trash when you leave for work tomorrow?” is always met with a groan of agony like I just asked him to get me peaches from Tibet.

7. Dusting. This is annoying because I have to do it every second day because I’m allergic. Of course being allergic doesn’t make it easier to dust. A couple times a year, usually somewhere around a holiday, I bite the proverbial bullet, get out the ladder and even dust in places my 5’4” ass usually can’t reach.

6. Changing bedsheets. I don’t know what it is with changing bedsheets and covers but I find it supremely annoying and time-consuming. Like I have to take everything off the bed, get the new covers, strip the old covers off, put the new covers on, take the old sheet off, put a new one on, then make the bed, then put everything that was on it on it again.

5. Bathroom cleaning. Who even invented shower cubicles and who decided they should be so difficult to keep clean? Also, why is there beard hair all over the damn place? I can have the bathroom spotless by mid-afternoon and by 6 pm at the latest it will be ruined again because Boyfriend showers and somehow manages to flood the room and get hair from various parts of his body all over everything.

4. Ironing. It’s not really the ironing itself, because I’m actually pretty fast. I can get two loads of laundry ironed and folded in an hour. What I don’t like about it is the fact that, because I usually iron on the weekends, Boyfriend just sits around in the same room, playing on his computer, leisurely as you please, while I have to do manual work that makes me feel like such a housewife. Dammit, I want some free weekend, too, dammit!

3. Groceries. One, everything is expensive as hell and I get severely depressed each time I see the numbers at the checkout. Two, so I make a list. A nice comprehensive list that takes into account this weeks meal plan as well as the kitchen inventory I did not half an hour before leaving the house. Then Boyfriend keeps putting things in the cart that aren’t on the list. And then I have to argue. I don’t like that. Just keep to the list.

2. Vacuum cleaning. The vacuum cleaner is heavy. I don’t like dragging heavy things around, especially not if they snag on every damn corner or door or whatever is lying on the floor again that I didn’t put there. And I always have to change the front part for another because someone decided you can’t vacuum furniture with the normal part. And then I lean the whole thing against a wall or something and it won’t stand still for one goddamn second and falls on my foot.

1. COOKING! OMG, nothing I hate more! Do people who don’t cook even realise how much mental effort goes into cooking? It’s small wonder I suffer from decision fatigue. Like, you have to budget. You have to make a more-or-less plan for an entire week because shit you have other things to do when you get home besides deciding what you’ll eat today (you know, like laundry and vacuum cleaning because ain’t no one gonna help you). You have to buy groceries accordingly and hope to heaven or hell that the thing you bought on Friday that’s supposed to be good for a week will not have gone bad by Monday. Then you have to consider all the other people who’re gonna eat the same thing. And then you cook, you chop your veggies, you agonize over too crisply cooked meat, you feel guilty because this meal is not entirely in line with your diet and you really need to lose weight and why do humans even have to eat? And then you serve and it takes forever to get the people who live with you to abandon their digital devices and come tot he table, and then they don’t like it. And then they don’t feel like it. And then they’d rather have something else, like X, you didn’t make X in a while. And this has to be done every day, over and over and over, until you finally snap, reach for the steak knife and stab your way into the history of great criminal cases.

And I don’t even have kids. Guess I better keep it that way.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People: A Beginner’s Guide to Forever Alone, Part 3

First things first, when I hear “lost and found” I think about an ancient Soft Cell song (“You were a sleep around, A lost and found, And not for me I fear”).

So in the last part of this handy guide you learned how to lose your friends, possibly forever. But there is always the possibility of finding new friends! Isn’t that a terrifying thought? Unfortunately, even in the days of the internet we as humans are still sometimes forced to leave the house and that gives room to meeting other people. To make sure you do not become entrapped in any kind of social relationship ever again (outside of the minimum interaction required for paid work; you might want to consult a self help book about making money on the internet) today’s instructions are all about nipping any form of entanglement in the bud. Shall we begin? We shall!

#1 Bitch Face to the Rescue!

This will be really easy for those of you who are blessed by nature with Resting Bitch Face Syndrome. Everyone else who looks like a happy, approachable person will just have to learn quickly. Consider your bitchy faced brother and sisters in arms. What do you notice? The corners of their mouths are drawn downward in a perpetual mini frown. Their brows may be knitted. Their eyes are only half open, not permitting a decent glimpse at their true mood. For practice, think about all those people who used to be your friends. Your face should scrunch up into a perfect bitch face at the thought.

Now that you know how to do it, use it! Don’t leave the house without the bitch face on and only take it off at home. But! and this is crucial: more and more people are aware of the Resting Bitch Face condition and might approach you still. Do not automatically launch into a smile. A lot of people look perfectly bitchy until you start talking to them and then they’re all smiles and friendliness. Don’t do that! No smile, no multi-syllabic answers, not outward sign of interest in conversation even if you’re in the middle of one. Let them know the bitch is strong in this one!

#2 Build a Wall

Not literally, although if you can carry a bag of bricks everywhere, why not.

Put a metaphorical wall between you and your opponents victims potential new acquaintances. The most obvious choice is the headphones. Always have them in or on your ears, even if you’re not listening to music. If someone tries to strike up meaningless chit-chat you can’t hear them. Or at least pretend you don’t hear them

To reinforce the power of the headphones, carry a book, e-book reader or tablet with you at any and all times. A phone will do in a pinch. Keep your eyes glued to page or screen and ignore the muttering humans around you. This will send a very clear message that you are not available for any form of contact. You’re busy.

Combining the headphones and the book method will give you double security. I would not advise you to be extraordinarily blunt by carrying a big sign saying “Don’t talk to me!” or similar, as it invites comment and is a definite conversation starter. The aim of this strategy is to render yourself as invisible as humanly possible.

#3 Rude Awakening

As is the way of the world, sometimes people are just immune to subtlety. Hints like the bitch face and the barriers are easily ignored. Should this happen, you don’t have much of an option: You have to exterminate the conversation as quickly as possible.

Start with non-verbal clues, like looking up from your book with a stern look on your face (bitch face intensifies!) and immediately going back to reading. Should the person talking to you (or rather at you) make a mistaken assumption that you are just shy and need to be dragged out of your shell kicking and screaming, you can either continue the stern look until the message enters their thick skull, or you can be blunt about it with a swift and calm “I don’t want to talk to you.”

Of course there is always that one type of person, the ones that suffer from humour and who will offer a comeback a la “But you just talked to me! Lol!” Don’t laugh. Don’t even roll your eyes. Continue the stern look, repeat your statement and go back to your reading or screen watching or whatever. If they are being very persistent, alternate with “Leave me alone” and “Go away”. Should all your efforts be for nought, you have no choice but to defend your right to solitude. Slightly raise your voice as you say something like “I have asked you three times I do not want to talk. Stop being so persistent and leave me alone.” At first of course they will be shocked and they will probably have the nerve to tell you to calm down. Disregard this notion. If they leave, you have won. If they don’t, it’s time to bring out the big guns, aka, make a scene. Yell at them, insult their relatives, threaten to rip out their throat with your teeth (something suitably ridiculous so that no one would consider you to constitute a real threat and sue you for intimidation). Be as rude as you legally can until your opponent gives up. If they don’t, well, I’m sorry. You’ll have to run away.

#4 Forsake the Real Life

Let the internet accept you as one of its own. Get a job that can be done from home with only the occasional e-mail as contact. Handle your bank affairs online. Have your groceries delivered. Discover the joy that is online shopping! Say goodbye to the garish light of the sun and hello to your softly illuminated computer screen. You will never have to venture out of your Fortress of Blissful Solitude. If you absolutely want to reach out to humanity on odd occasions, try social media or skype (be careful with the camera angle though, you don’t want anyone to know that you’re sitting at your desk in your underpants or not even that). Welcome your new life as an internet hermit!

 

I hope you enjoyed this handy guide to complete solitude. If you have any questions, ask the internet, not me. Bye!

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People: A Beginner’s Guide to Forever Alone, Part 2

Hey there, misanthropic folk and unpopular people, welcome back to another instalment of How To Lose Friends! Last time we looked at some quick and easy ways to rid yourself of old friends. Today, we’re going a step further. We’re going to find more advanced methods to lose those pesky humans.

 #1 The Bait and Switch (also called Two Birds With One Stone)

In the old tradition of fighting fire with fire, the best way to get rid of someone is by means of someone else. No, we’re not talking about hiring a hitman (though that is a possibility, albeit an expensive one). The Bait and Switch strategy works well if you have two or more friends you want to do away with. However, it is key that they do not know each other beforehand. Insist that the three of you meet somewhere. Hint extensively to both of them that they will just absolutely love each other. After the initial introductions take in the aura of the situation: Are they getting along? Do they have things in common? Are they talking the entire time, completely ignoring you? Good! Repeat the threeway meet-up two more times to cement their relationship. Once you’re sure they have each others phone numbers proceed to do a Fade Out on both of them. You now have successfully pawned off two friends!

#2 The Happily Ever After (Advanced Nookie Provider)

Want to get rid of all your friends at once? Here’s how: If you already followed the steps of Part 1’s strategy The Nookie Provider this should be easy. Badger, pester and deceive your regular nookie provider into marrying you. The wedding feast will give you the chance to see all your friends one last time before you release them into the wild. Weddings are the perfect opportunity for hurt feelings an unnecessary drama resulting in a complete cease of contact. You wanted to get shot off someone for a while? Don’t invite them. When they ask about it (because they will inevitably see everyone else being all excited about their invitations on Facebook) pretend it has nothing to do with them, you just “having a small ceremony”. Nevermind you invited your second cousin’s niece and her boyfriend. Once your friend finds out they will sulk forever and refuse any contact with you.

At the wedding make sure to make all your female friends jealous of your looks and fortune and make your male friends jealous with the prospect of all the sex you’re going to be having now by tirelessly reminding them of it. They’ll all get catty, bond with each other over a round of bitching about you and your attitude, and presto, you have a variation of a bait and switch. Maybe someone will even find a nookie provider of their own! Isn’t it nice to do something good?

After the wedding vows are said pretend you and your newly acquired spouse are in such a state of marital bliss you absolutely cannot accept invitations or indeed leave the house. If you do go out, take the spouse everywhere you go, refuse participation in girls’ nights or boys’ nights, and when the two of you make it out of the house never leave each other’s side for even a second. If someone does get you alone, tirelessly talk about your spouse and your marriage. Praise or complain, it’s up to you. Make sure to start every sentence with “My husband/wife and I…” or “Husband/wife thinks/says/does…” Follow these fool-proof annoying strategies and watch those invitations go back where they came from!

#3 The Work and Play

Realise that social interaction at work is the only kind you need. It’s unavoidable anyway, so why burden yourself further with outside-of-work friends? So throw yourself into your work with the fury of three premenstrual attacks! Life and, uh, work for work! Company über alles! Bury yourself in so many projects that you don’t even have to lie when you say “I’d love to hang out, but I’ve got so much work to do.”

Alternative for students: Aim for your perfect GPA. Do all your readings and assignments on time, nay, surpass yourself on any and all tasks. Spend your spare time writing elaborate treatises on the justification of, uh, something scienc-y, like the Great Tribble Hunt. Be the nerd you always wanted to be! Or at least pretend you are so you can watch Netflix in peace without all that pesky social interaction inherent in a school environment.

 #4 Miss/Mister Rude Thang

This strategy involves a lot of guts. In our society honesty is not best valued. On the contrary, lying is encouraged from an early age. “Does this make my butt look big?” or “Do you think I’m pretty?” are just the tip of the iceberg of Lietome swimming around in the giant sea of Socialconventions. Therefore, this strategy will take some willpower to overcome all your social conditioning. I recommend practising in front of a mirror. The trick is to just be blunt. Just be brutally honest. For once say what’s on your mind. Start slowly with sarcasm and work your way up from there. A small and insignificant “No, of course you’re not fat, hey what’s that, did you just acquire your own moon?” to your best friend will soon give you the courage to say “You’re boring me, I’m outta here” and “I don’t want to hang out with you anymore because [insert reasons]” to anyone else! And with a bit of luck you won’t even have to work hard; people will just leave on their own!

 

I hope you enjoyed this advanced methods to getting rid of friends. In our final part we’ll find out how to absolutely murder your social life! Stay tuned!

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People: A Beginner’s Guide to Forever Alone, Part 1

Okay, so first off, way to be depressing, writing101. Write about a loss, they say. In what universe does loss connotate with something positive, ever? So what have I lost beside my sanity?

Well, I’m really good at losing friends.

All the high school and college kids out there, enjoy the long nights drinking, the endless phone calls and/or text sessions, the soul bearing, the pyjama parties and the general feeling of support as long as it lasts because allll of this might change in the course of a year and you won’t even know it until it’s too late.

It’s so easy when you’re just a small kid. You like this game? Cool, I like it too, let’s be friends. You don’t like this other game? Okay, you’re not my friend anymo’. In the pre puberty years making friends is basically a game of musical chairs, you just take every available other small human. And then life happens and you all go to different schools. At least I guess this is what happens for most people, I had exactly one friend in elementary school and she moved back to her own country after the war was over, so… bit out of the ordinary, I guess.

After elementary school, your circle of people to interact with is determined by the social pecking order, so it’s not like you have a lot of choice. This guide will provide you with the resources you need to get rid of friends in your post-puberty stage.

Now, friends come in different flavours. There’s the people you hang out with casually and they don’t hit you, so you just classify them as friends. Then there are the ones you’re kinda closer with, talk more, on a more regular basis and with less alcohol involved. And then there’s the Holy Grail that turns your heart to jelly beans and makes a firework of AWESOME go off in your brain every time you see them. It’s like a crush, only better because you actually talk to them. You like the same things. You say the same things at the same time and high five. You stay up all night talking. You borrow clothes. You do everything together and go everywhere together, even if whatever you’re going to sucks it’s fine because you can both just bitch about it. You joke that you should be each other’s boyfriends because you’re just so close and you just click and you just get each other. Really, the only reason you’re not a couple is because the sex thing somehow doesn’t work between you. By the way, all your other friends always say you totally act like a couple. An old married one.

And today we’re going to take a look at how to get rid of all those pesky humans, no matter how dear they are to us. Fasten your seatbelts, hold on to your clavicles, keep your hands inside the car, and let’s go!*

#1: The Graduate

This step is probably the easiest for most people. So you finally got through your last exams and you’re free – FREE! –  of school forever or at least until you decide you need even more education. While humming “Schooooool’s out for ever!” you probably don’t even think about the impact this will have on your social life, which basically revolved around a classroom and allowed plenty of contact throughout the entire week. But fear not! Simply not seeing your friends every day anymore will allow both of you to forget each other more and more. After all, picking up your phone or logging onto the internet is hard. Which leads us to…

#2: The Fade Out

Picture it: So you could call your friend X. but you just called her three days ago and you don’t want to look needy, she probably has lots of stuff to do, she told your she has a new job, and then there’s the trouble with her boyfriend, and anyway she said she’d call you and it’s her turn anyway, like you always call her…

You could also message your friend Y. but every time you meet she’s kind of a bitch to you and while this was sorta funny when you met it’s getting really annoying…

Actually, you just really wanna see Z., you haven’t seen her for ages, what is she up to anyway, but you were never really that close, not as close as she was to X. and Y., so maybe you just stalk her on facebook and decide then…

But you’ll do that later because you should really get going, you can’t be late for work again, and you got all these errands to run this week, maybe you’ll just call next week, or on the weekend, but actually you could do with a quiet night in and no one’s ever up for that, so… next week, then.

But you still should tell everyone that you’re not like dead, so you get out your trusty phone and do what every human with a brain would do: poke people on facebook and like their pictures. There, they can see you still care. Wouldn’t want them to think you didn’t care anymore. But, hm, none of them liked the last picture you posted… but they’re probably just busy, like, reaaaal busy, it happens.

They’re not too busy for taking selfies, though.

And if they text you, well, it’s hardly your fault that you don’t want to leave the house, you had such a hell of a week, or don’t want to go to X thing even though you’d like to see Z. again. Like, they could pick a better time. And place. Maybe next time.

This is of course just one example of the Fade Out, but it should suit to elaborate the most common steps: diminishing contact to the bare minimum of social media recognition, which in turn should fade around the six month mark, slightly flavoured with a downward spiral of resentment, guilt for feeling resentful, and even more resentment because they are apparently not feeling guilty for ignoring you at all. The desired end result should be a complete cease of contact.

This method is very effective on its own, but even more so in combination with #3.

#3: The Nookie Provider

So you love your friends, but there’s also this other person that’s really special to you, and you always have a good time when you hang out and you’re exclusive now and, well, you may or may not be having sex. Hopefully good sex. Basically, you’re in a relationship and relationships are important. After all, they’re built on trust and building trust mean to get to know the other person better and that means spending every free second with them. So, in a word, you’re busy. Fucking busy, or vice versa, you decide. This is the perfect time, not to mention excuse, to start slacking on your keeping-in-touch-mojo because you rather upgrade your keep-touching-mojo, and who can blame you. Ignore messages unless they’re from Significant Other, when you have news you call SO first and then forget to call anyone else, this step is crucial. When you do somehow get ensnared in a meet-up with one or more of the people-who-don’t touch-your-booty, keep the meetings to a minimum and if possible, bring SO along with you every time, even if they’re not invited. If somehow they get you alone, talk about nothing but SO, highlight all their qualities, compare them to everyone else’ SO, go all out and spontaneously compose a sonnet. At a party, always hang on SO’s lips, literally, and ignore everyone else. Those pesky people-who-don’t touch-your-booty should get the hint soon enough.

#4: The Actually

So you may or may not be twenty or older, you do not see your friends every day anymore, and you are hit by a bout of self-awareness: Actually, you never liked those people. Like, J. is a real jerk when he’s drunk and he’s always drunk, M. is always and forever talking about her love life or lack thereof and it’s so boring, N. never says a fucking word, and the rest, actually you don’t have that much in common. Maybe you should stop paying so much attention to them, some stuff they do is kinda stupid. Actually, those other people you just met, you seem to have a lot in common with them. Maybe you should follow them on social media, they’re so funny. Maybe you should meet up with them more. This is the best time to start on the Fade Out, because it’s not like you’re going to end up friendless, you have all those new cool people!

 

And that’s all for now. In Part 2 we will look at more advanced methods of getting rid of friends, and Part 3 will deal with the alienation of people in your daily life. Stay tuned!

 

*Based on actual events? Bitch, they might be.

The Day Someone Made a Conscious Decision to Put Nipples on Mannequins

Oh, to be a shameless and unseen eavesdropper. The places I would be in! Let me count ’em all! I would love to be a fly on the wall…

  • When it was decided to put nipples on mannequins. That didn’t just happen. Someone made a conscious decision to put nipples on mannequins.
  • When someone decided to put nipples on the bat suit in Batman and Robin. That also didn’t just happen.
  • When someone decided to make Batman and Robin.
  • When that James person decided to actually sell her Twilight fanfiction.
  • With whoever decided to name a character Mr Sinister. Extra silly name even by X-Men standards. Same with Sinister Six, I mean just go the whole 500 yards and name your group the Evil League of Evil.
  • When Tinder was invented. “Hey, I have a great business idea! Let’s create a thing that helps people find a shag! I volunteer myself for the first test rounds!”
  • When someone looked at a camera and was like, “You know what? I’m going to use this astounding new technology to film people during coitus!”
  • At the set of the Anaconda video.
  • When the first codpiece was invented.
  • When this guy was painting because I’m pretty sure he was high as a kite all of the time.
  • After every job interview I ever had, I want to know what you bitches are saying about me!
  • Same goes for ever application I ever sent anywhere.
  • When this particular call to the fire brigade happened.
  • Actually, just put me on the wall of any emergency room on a weekend because this kinda shit just happens waaaay too often. “It’s kind of a long story…” – “There’s a halibut up your butt.” – “Yes, well, as I said, it’s kind of a long story…”
  • When Ben Franklin decided to go kite-flying in a storm. “I have the best idea ever!”
  • When Ching Shih decided to show everyone how to do this whole pirate thing.
  • When food bloggers take their pictures. I’m sure the food gets cold in the process. Or is there a magic trick?
  • When corsets were invented because I’m pretty sure the inventor was a mortician. “You know what’s sexy? Girls not breathing!”
  • When Nyan Cat happened. “Let’s put a rainbow cat and some annoying music together! We’ll troll the entire online world!”
  • The first time a horse was ridden by a human. Horse must’ve been like, “The fuck is this hairless ape doing, off!”
  • To find out what really happened when Mary Shelley got the idea for Frankenstein.
  • When Hannibal was like, “Yeah, drag the elephants up the mountains, that’ll show those Romans!”
  • When the first blow-up doll was produced. “Can’t get a date? Now you can, just take a deep breath.”
  • When the stage-manager read through the script: “What do you mean, ‘exit pursued by a bear’? You want to get a real bear? Will, you’re nuts!”
  • Hypothetically, in the Tardis when the Doctor, any incarnation, is alone aboard because I have the sneaking suspicion they’re all doing the dance scene from Risky Business when no-one’s watching. Or at least I hope so because it would be awesome.
  • And while we’re at it, can I be a fly on the wall when the first aliens discover life on planet Earth?