Q&A With Four Homicidal Maniacs

Interviewer: Hello and welcome to the show! Tonight I am here with four ambitious assassins who also all happen to be roommates! Please give a warm hand to Molly Millions, Zam Wesell, Assajj Ventress, and Aurra Sing*… the latter of which is pointing a laser gun in my face, please don’t do that.

Assajj: Down, Aurra. You have to excuse her, she has no manners.

Aurra: (lowers weapon) Might have been a trap, I’m sure I smelled a Jedi somewhere.

Interviewer: Anyway… You are four self-taught, self-employed homicide specialists and have made names for yourself as accomplished contract killers and this year you recently came into the spotlight of the holonet for the first assassin flat share, starting a galaxy wide trend. How did this start?

Zam: Well, I tried finding an apartment on Coruscant but the rent was insane, so I put an ad on the holonet and Aurra and Assajj showed up. We didn’t know each other but none of us is home very often anyway so we thought we’d give it a go.

Assajj: It all went downhill from there.

(audience laughs)

Zam: Moll here joined just the other month, kinda spontaneous thing…

Interviewer: Really, how come?

Molly: Found myself on a foreign planet in the wrong fucking galaxy. No idea how the hell I got here.

Interviewer: That must have been quite the adjustment.

Molly: Yeah, especially the whole Force thing and the Jedi and Sith stuff and all. But the tech is great, I already got another upgrade on my sight enhancers, and as of last week I have a bio-computer that connects me directly to the holonet, I basically got wifi in my head now.

Interviewer: So you’re doing well, it seems. What did you do when you first came here?

Molly: Right, so I wake up, no idea where I am or what day it is, which isn’t that weird, happens a lot…

(audience laughs)

Molly: …but then there’s suddenly this shadow and I look up and there’s a fucking space ship, and I’m just like, yeah, I’m so not in the Sprawl anymore. I ask around, turns out I’m at the Tatooine space port. So the first thing I did was try to find a bar…

(audience laughs)

Molly: …because fuck did I need a drink, and it was the most miserable bar on the entire planet…

Aurra: Yeah, it really is.

Molly: …and that’s where I met Aurra.

Aurra: Yeah, and we just clicked, you know, girls working in a competitive male-dominated field…

Molly: …bonding over cybernetic implants.

Aurra: And guns

Molly: And guns.

(audience laughs)

Molly: Yeah, and like bounty hunter and street samurai really is the same thing when you get down to it, right? So we did some jobs and she since I didn’t have a place to stay the girls let me crash at their place, which is nice.

Interviewer: That’s great! How would you describe a normal day in your lives?

Zam (laughs): Do we even do normal?

Assajj: Well, I get up at 7 am every morning and start my training…

Molly: And wake the rest of us up.

Aurra: Yeah, but you got a day job. Miss Fancypants here is a Sith assassin, like we’re up pulling all-nighters while she takes her beauty sleep.

Assajj: It’s hardly my fault you were not skilled enough for the fine arts of the Dark Side.

Aurra: Yeah? You wanna bite my lightsaber, you…

Interviewer: Ladies, no weapons in the studio, please! Does this happen often?

Molly: Yeah, they don’t get along too well, must be all this Force stuff.

Interviewer: Moving on… I’m sure your line of work keeps you busy.

Aurra: You got no idea.

Zam: Yeah, it’s like half the galaxy wants the other half dead.

Aurra: Most of ’em ain’t payin’ shit, though. Like, I was on Nar Shaddaa recently and they actually got discounters there now, one had a pay for two hits, get the third one free kind of deal. Brings the entire business down, that does.

Molly: Yeah, you really have to sieve through until you find an offer that’s sorta reasonable, I mean, we’re worth out money.

Interviewer: How do you get along as roommates?

Molly: Had worse.

Zam: It’s okay, only Assajj keeps hogging the bathroom.

Aurra: Yeah, no idea what she does in there, polishing her head, maybe?

Assajj: So what, the three of you do a good job clogging the drain with all your hair. Not to mention old skin, looking at you, Zam.

Zam: That was one time, sheesh, not my fault I was moulting…

Assajj: So I may take a little long for my skin care routine but at least I don’t walk around without my face on.

Zam: Aw, come on, not like you never saw a Clawdite before.

Assajj: I didn’t, but ever since I understand why you guys disguise yourself as humans.

Interviewer: Back to your work life. Word down the grape vine says you’re trying to collect the bounty on Padme Amidala…

Zam: Yeah, we’re still working on that, she’s really well guarded.

Aurra: She always has this fucking Jedi with her.

Molly: Or two. They’re tough fuckers, I mean, I’m an expert on hand-to-hand combat, but with those guys, shit, it’s on.

Aurra: Course we’d maybe get somewhere if Assajj wouldn’t always waste time flirting with the old one.

Assajj: I do not! If anything he was flirting with me! It’s not my fault I’m gorgeous.

Zam: Yeah, right. Assajj and Kenobi…

Assajj: Shut up!

Molly: …sitting in a tree…

Assajj: Shut up!

Zam, Aurra, Molly: K-I-S-S-I-N…

Assajj: Shut up!

(Zam, Aurra and Molly exit stage left, pursued by a bear Ventress with two red-bladed lightsabers)

Interviewer: Guess that’s all for tonight. Tune in next time for the big lie detector test when we discover who really is Luke Skywalker’s father!

(audience applauds)

——

Just a small sequel to this post I wrote a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. None of the characters are mine, I’m basically writing fanfiction here. Again.

 

*Don’t ask me, ask Google.

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When Aurra Met Molly

I can’t believe that today’s daily prompt is basically asking me to write crossover fanfiction. But, well, I’m not complaining. So… whoooo shall it be? Beorn from the Hobbit and Tom Bombadil from Lord of the Rings out for tea? The Phantom of the Opera getting a good verbal smacking by Mary Poppins? Groot and Chewbacca waiting for Han and Rocket to get back from the donut shop? Dr. Susan Calvin trying to get through to Marvin the Paranoid Android? Arthur Dent getting stuck on the Tardis with the Tenth Doctor and Donna Noble? No, wait, that’s TV, not a movie…

Oh, I think I got it… Aurra Sing from Star Wars (or her comic book series, whichever), meet Molly from Neuromancer!

——

The Mos Eisley cantina was probably the worst in the entire galaxy, and the band was playing “The Sands of Tatooine” for the third time in a row. Slouching on a barstool Aurra Sing peered into her empty glass and for the first time experienced a definite downside of her half-alien metabolism: She was by far not drunk enough for any of this.

It had been a miserable week, job-wise.

“Just say when”, the barkeeper said as he refilled her glass.

Why did she always end up working with idiots? Wouldn’t have happened if Zam hadn’t decided to ditch her for that weird Mandalorian. The last Aurra had heard of her was a month ago; Zam had sent her a holopic of the guy’s ass. Not that it wasn’t a nice ass or something, and he sure was a good hunter, but are you sure about this, Zam, don’t you wanna maybe take it slow with this one, why do you wanna move in with him anyway, like I mean, you barely know him?

And then that Cad Bane character, saying he’d call her and then never did, what was up with that?

The glass was on the brink of overflowing. “Um… ain’t you gonna say when?”

Maybe the entire universe was populated by idiots, maybe that was the problem.

“Just leave the bottle here, will ya?”

The barkeeper met her eye, surrendered the Corellian whiskey and retreated down the bar to a safe distance.

And returned almost instantly to put a cometduster in front of the newcomer next to her, before he hurried away again.

Aurra eyed the newcomer for a second. Slightly built human female, wrapped from the neck down in black leather, dark hair cut in a rough shaggy fashion, wearing something that to an unsuspecting eye looked like mirrored sunglasses. Probably a freelancer like herself.

The bounter hunter’s attention returned to her drink, her unusually long fingers curled around the entire breadth of bottle. By now it was half empty and she didn’t even feel half drunk yet. It was going to be a long, miserable evening.

She felt the other woman looking at her for a moment, but when she turned her head she was staring fixedly into her cometduster.

Aurra thought of ordering another bottle, just in case, when she heard the stranger say, “Nice biocomputer.”

She looked over. “Nice vision enhancers.”

Thanks.”

Nar Shaddaa?”

Black market, Chiba City.”

Wherever the hell that is.”

Both women returned to their drinks for a moment.

Got anything else?”, the bounty hunter asked because she was getting bored with her lack of drunkenness.

Wanna see a magic trick?”

If you try to pull a credit chip out of my ear I’ll fucking kill you,” Aurra said matter-of-factly.

Nah.” The black haired woman held out one pale hand, palm up. With a slight clicking sound five double-edged razorblades slid from beneath her very red nails. “And there’s always this.” Her black leather jacket fluttered for an instant to reveal a kind of handgun that the bounty hunter’s trained eye recognised as something that could do a lot of damage.

Nice.”

You?”

Well… I got these”, indicating dual-triggered blaster pistols, best model on the market. “And then there’s this thing”, she said pointing to the Czerka slugthrower rifle that was leaning innocently against the bar. Aurra seemed to remember the lightsaber dangling on her hip. “Oh, yeah, and that. But this one’s for special occasions.”

The other woman nodded approvingly.

Got a name?”

Molly Millions.”

Aurra Sing. Looking for work, Molly Millions?”

Got any, Aurra Sing?”

Nope. Know where to look, though.” She drained the Corellian whiskey and threw the empty bottle into the general crowd. Somewhere someone gave a growl of pain. “Wanna get out of here?”

Sure.”

Aurra wasn’t absolutely convinced just yet, but this already felt like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

 

——

I think I’m just going to let this lie around for two weeks and then turn it into a big epic fanfic. Did you know I once started a series of sketches that had Aurra Sing, Zam Wesell and Asajj Ventress being room-mates? Maybe I should continue with that.

In Which The Author Rants Quite Pathetically About the Wiles of Technology, the Social Pratfalls that Await Aplenty, and the Multi-Mouthed Beast of Fanfiction

Blavatar? What the flying tap-dacing fuck is that?

Oh, wait, I found it.

Now where do I put….

Oh wait, I found it.

Okay, I now am the proud owner of a blavatar. Does it show? Can anyone see it? I can’t see it.

Oh wait, I found it.

And that, in a nutshell, is me and technology. Ask stupid questions, then poke it with a stick until it obeys, all while ignoring the glaringly obvious. All in a day’s work!

So university classes started yesterday and already I’m like “Nooooo, I don’t wannaaaaa….”. Suddenly I have the overwhelming urge to stay in bed and do nothing. Like… more than usual. I almost miss those jobless, study-less, unproductive days of… two months ago. Also, it was warmer. We’ve reached the annoying part of our weather cycle where your toes freeze off in the morning, but by lunch time you die of heat stroke. I have no idea what to wear (like… more than usual) and I don’t want to carry my coat around, but I don’t wanna be cold, and warrgarrbl, I need a temperature control suit over here!

I’m currently doping myself up with satsumas for that extra vitamin C but I fear that it won’t help and I’ll get First Week Cold anyway. It’s always like this, start of the semester, weird cold-then-warm weather, hundreds of thousands of new people running all over the place, stress over seminar rooms and first assignments and books, being locked up with 20 to 549 persons and their germs in a room for a couple hours, aaaaand there you go, coughing, sneezing, the works, for about a week until your system acclimatises. No matter how often you wash and disinfect your hands. After all, you can’t disinfect your lungs, and wearing a hygienic face mask while in company is considered rather rude. Nuts.

Another annoying thing about the start of semester: meeting people that you know you’ve seen before, that you had a class with, but can you remember? No! Of course not! It’s like not being able to remember that one actor’s name (you know, the one with the eyes… and the nose… you know, the one with the face…), only there’s no IMDB to look up your colleagues. Did we have that course with prof X? Did we work on Y project? And then the anxiety starts: Did I say something stupid to this person, ever? Oh dear gods, please don’t let them remember if I said anything stupid! Was I being weird and awkward? Please don’t let them remember I was being weird and awkward!

Sometimes I don’t know which is worse, meeting someone new, or meeting someone who may or may not have been around when I made that joke about superhero porn.

And slowly but surely I have to face a terrible fact: I need to think about an actual topic for my thesis. I’d love to do something with scifi or fanfiction or both, but well… not sure if I can find a supervisor for either of that (old people be all up in this place). So right now I’m just digging through all other theses, master or otherwise, to see what all those who came before me got away with.

I’m not even sure what exactly I want to do, much less what theoretical approach to do it with. I’m thinking about something William Gibson, or Isaac Asimov, or cyberpunk in general for scifi, and I have no idea whatsoever what would be a good topic for fanfiction. I guess I could do something with the representation of female Original Characters, which, for the most part, are basically the authoress with better skin and bigger boobs (to everyone doing this: you are so transparent. Soooo transparent.), usually in a world where her clumsiness and awkwardness are not clumsy and awkward but attractive, endearing (and used as plot device every chance the author gets), and generally just the regular traits of a Girl With A Great Personality (Who Just So Happens To Be Smoking Hot But Doesn’t Realise It Because She’s Sooo Humble).

(Face it, girls, we’re all clumsy and awkward, and we don’t always know what we’re doing, and we’re overwhelmed by our daily lives, and we all look like shit, but it’s okay. It’s just how we were raised to think about ourselves in order to crush our self esteem and keep us preoccupied with insignificant things to make it easier for the patriarchy to continue. So get over it already and start writing something interesting.)

Seriously, not every story has to be “character I want to bang meets my more polished self”. Not every story that has an antagonist that you happen to find hot must run along the lines of “my more polished self will help wake the good side of bad character whatshisnuts because he doesn’t mean to be evil, he’s just misunderstooood”. If I want misunderstood I listen to Bon Jovi! For the love of kittens and sparkly unicorns, write something interesting! Because the only interesting thing in your story right now? That’s your own very obvious, hm, shall we say, idiosyncrasy. Get. Help. (You can’t write idiosyncrasy without ‘crazy’, amirite?)

And now all the unicorns are dead, good job.

As for the male writers, stop living out your hero fantasies, no one is impressed, you are not the big alpha male leader Sith/Jedi/knight/ranger/space cowboy/toaster strudel, how could you, you can’t even properly capitalize your words, not to mention your use of they’re/their/there (for English stories) and/or der/den/dem (for German stories), and we all know you don’t know how to properly “wield” your “light saber”, but I’m sure your low-self-esteem-girlfriend (who at the moment is furiously typing her imaginary sex with Avengers-Loki, Thor may or may not be involved as well) loves you anyway (at least until she learns to love herself.) (I like parentheses, so sue me.)

I realise of course I’m making this sound like only weird lonely individuals who are partial to escapism write fanfiction, which is an unfair judgment and I can assure you it is absolutely true. Just look at me!

Alright, enough with the fanfiction rant. You can always tell I like a topic when I present all its faults in excruciatingly boring detail. And oh, let me count the ways….

Anyway, did this post have a point? Oh, yes, it did. There.

.

(Alas, my jokes are never funny…)

Wookie Tits, or The Joys of Fanfiction

So, the task for Blogging101 for today is to a) write to/about your dream reader, and b) include something new. For the something new I choose… a silly pic from Pinterest:

Which reminded me that it looked kinda metafictional fanfic-y, which brings me to today’s topic. Are you exited, kids? Me too. (I’m lying, I’m being all chill over here.)

Boyfriend and me, we quote Star Wars at each other until we drop. (The old trilogy, that is. Yes, the really old one that didn’t have a Dark Tortured Sexy Manboy Chosen One Who Does Things Because Plot Hole in it.) Actually, there’s Star Wars in all aspects of our lives. Only Boyfriend is a bit less imaginative than me. He likes the wonder and mystery of things, the reasons best left unexplained.

I don’t. I ask questions about everything. I’m told it’s really annoying.

But since you are my dream reader, of course you will be interested, hang onto my every word, revel in my self-absorption and feast on mine Unconventional(TM) thoughts.

Like, my number one question is and always will be… actually it’s the whole subject of sex and reproduction, or rather the prevention thereof. I mean, in a galaxy far, far away that has hyper-drives and light sabers, are there super absorbent tampons that beep when they’re full? Wookiees have six nipples, how does that work for breastfeeding? Does the pill exist? Does it work for every species? Do you just take a hormone shot once a year and it’s 100% no baby? Does that work for every species? Do you store your uterus in an organ vault until you’re ready to use it? Are there still condoms? Are there still STIs? Are there vaccines to protect yourself from STIs? How’s the STI risk during interspecies sex, because, let’s be real, that’s a thing. Humans and aliens are fucking up a storm all over the galaxy, I know it and I want details.

Then there’s the whole can of worms that is the average person’s life. Star Wars, World of Warcraft, Lord of The Rings, anything… you only really know about the life of your average hero, but your average peasant, blacksmith, mom, child, tavern maid, or town drunk? The person who started from the bottom and stayed at the bottom, working tirelessly day and night, paying the costs of war? Nah, not so much, unless they’re needed as some sort of antagonists and/or background decoration in the form of a peasant revolt.

But fear not, for there is a silver lining on the horizon of literature and it’s name shall be… fanfiction!

Aaaand I hear the sound of crickets. Listen to the soft, soothing chirping in absence of any kind of enthusiasm.

This is the point where I tell you why I love fanfiction, in theory at least. It’s one of my favourite genres of literature, and yes, it should definitely count as a genre. It’s not plagiarism, not really. Basically, a fanfiction writer just picks up where the original author stopped. To me, at least, that’s what fanfiction should be for: Telling the Untold (ohhh, that’s a good title for a thesis, professors love that kind of pretentiousness, better write that down somewhere…).

Now, fanfiction, you could say, is the easy way out for a writer. How hard can it be to insert something into an already existing universe? Well, if it’s so easy, why don’t YOU do it? Hm? Hmmmm? Cower before my logic!

Seriously though, yes, it is easy. It is so easy it hurts. A bantha with ADD that was recently hit by a battalion of Imperial storm troopers on speeder bikes could do it (and probably is; as the triplet moons illuminate the endless sands of Tatooine, a sole bantha sits upon a promontory and ships his favourite Tusken Raiders… I think I just grossed myself out). But making it a good story, something that’s interesting and not the same as others, that doesn’t fall into a pattern… that, like with any genre, is a whole different matter. Anyone can do the old “Mary Sue saves the Fandom” type of story. Anyone could create a young Jedi/Sith/Elf/Orc/Troll/Dalek/Mixing Bowl that is Young And Inexperienced In All Aspect Of Life and yet Succeeds Where Others Have Failed through the power of Believing In Themselves and last but not least, finds True Love In The Main Or At Least The Hottest (In The Mind Of The Author) Character. And that’s the type of story I absolutely hate, unless it is done as a parody, or it is at least whimsically self-aware, or there is a metafictional element in there somewhere, or all of the above.

You’d like to think that there’s a whole academic discipline analysing fanfiction, intersectional scientific writing about the makers, makings and miracles of this genre. Aaand no, not much, from what I can see it’s just beginning to get off the ground, really, but if anyone has articles, feel free to link me to them. Which is weird, I think, because it’s such an interesting concept. I’m so getting in there. I can see it now: “The representation of female characters in fanfictions of the Star Wars Expanded Universe”. “Representation of masculinities in slash fanfiction pertaining to Japanese manga”. “Narrative techniques in fanfiction”. Come on, it would be fun!

Let me tell you a secret, perfect dream reader: One day, when I grow up, I want to teach at university. I want to teach a course on fanfiction as a genre. And I want to publish articles on fanfiction. It’s a stupid dream, of course, and it’s never gonna happen, but we all need a little something to say “One day” over just to get us out of bed in the morning instead of just lying there and waiting for death (and that bugger’s always late, couldn’t be on time to save his life). But if you’re my dream reader, of course you’ll agree that this is the best plan ever and the most interesting topic ever. Because you, dear reader, share my enthusiasm, right? Well, you better, or I have an opening for a new dream reader.

Just kidding, love ya, bye.