It’s November, and nothing good ever happens in November. Even the dead have come and gone, and the rest of the year sits outside your window like a dull grey shadow, waiting.
November is like the Thursday of the year, the day you can already feel the weekend, but you still have to get through a bit more.
The last months before the year ends always do terrible things to us. They definitely do to me, as they gave me some of the worst depressed weeks I’ve had in a while. It was the kind of depressive that makes you do crazy things like throwing all your cutlery and knives into the sink and all your shopping bags and dish rags on the floor and you have to fight not to break your dishes against the next wall. Why? No idea. But at that moment, the destructive force is all that’s keeping you alive. Needless to say, I had a bad week. And I could get on meds again but I can’t find the strength to go sit in a doctor’s office for five hours just to get a referral. I need all my energy to work and I really want to keep this job. In two months I’m eligible for vacation time. Maybe then.
I’m also thinking of shelving my whole master thesis thing and just getting a second job. I feel like financial security is going to be more important in the future than some fancy degree that’s not good for anything anyway. Also, the future scares me.
The most powerful nation in the world has just elected a man who has a trial for fraud this month, a trial for child sexual abuse next month, and about 50 other ones pending. Has said the worst things to come out of a human’s mouth since, well you know. And somehow this month has proven that you can be a lying, tax evading, racist, sexist asshole with no knowledge of politics or diplomacy, and you can still become president of the USA is you’re only white and rich enough. The turn to the right is almost completed in Europe, too. Science fiction was wrong, totalitarian governments are not our future. In the future, we choose our own destruction freely.
And you might say, if you’re not in the US, why doe sit matter to you? I dunno, why shouldn’t it? I’m on the same planet as those people. And now we here halfway across the globe have an election set for Dec 4, if it happens. And then what? Aye, and then what?
I feel like I’m living in the back story of a SF novel. “This was when it all changed”. Politicians rob you, corporations own you. I feel like I should learn how to hack and move to an underground sort of life, but I can barely get my virus scanner to work. I don’t have any skills for a hard world. I’m not smart enough. I wonder if this is remotely how people felt back in 1933, if anyone had a bad feeling about this. I’m wondering if anyone is seeing a pattern now. Makes you want to say, have fun, I’m out.
If the Canadian immigration website crashed, you know how bad it is. What about the people who didn’t vote for that guy? Why don’t they count for anything?
And it’s not the end of the world. That’s the terrible thing, it’s never the end of the world. It keeps right on keeping on, endlessly marching, and we’re just dragging along with no way out.