Item 1: Weather. Y u so cold?! Woe is me, being at the mercy of the elements! I’m already wearing three layers, I’m going to be absolutely helpless in winter. Like, I’ll need some sort of cryoprotection suit, Empire Strikes Back style. And a tauntaun. I’d love to have a tauntaun. They’re like snow kangaroos with horns, I want one. More reliable than public transport, that’s for fucking sure. Why don’t we have that? Could someone in the clone industry start frankensteining (that’s a word now) something together already? Or could someone finally design some sort of clothing that keeps you warm and allows you to move your arms at the same time? And maybe some fashionable keep-face-warm item of clothing, because wrapping my scarf around my jaw and nose makes me look like I’m about to riot? It’s so cold the wind hurts my face and makes my eyes all red. Why am I living somewhere where the wind hurts my face?
Item 2: I think the last wasp of the year is circling my lamp and making more noise in the process than such a small insect and such a cheap Ikea lampshade should be able to make. Look, can you hurry up and die? All your brethren already lie full fathom five (or… just in the backyard under like leaves ‘n stuff), join them already. Go into the bright light! No? You’d rather slam into the window and then smash into the lampshade again? Go fuck yourself, Last of the Wasps.
Item 3: Economy. You were supposed to pick yourself up. Instead, everything gets more expensive every month. Don’t tell me I’m imagining things, I keep an eye on that. In fact, I’ve been keeping an eye on that for the past three years. And I can tell you that certain products had a 30% increase in price in not even the last six months. Don’t you dare lie to my face about things getting better! Either give me the cheap shit back or give me more money. Get your shit together, you slacking slacker who slacks.
Item 4: The lack of Halloween anything in this city. Like, why are you hyping Christmas so much, it’s still two months away! Stores been selling gingerbread since August, not that there’s a bad time for gingerbread or anything, but come on. And why does chocolate cost so much when you make it look like a bearded old dude (or a horned Gene Simmons looking dude of unknown age)?
Item 5: Flat. This place is draughty like the lower circles of hell. Even with the draught stoppers I got. In German we say “Es zieht wie Hechtsuppe”, whatever the hell that actually means, I have to look that up again. Ancient brick walls are not exactly helping to keep warmth in either. Maybe I should have named this blog The Bathrobe Chronicles, because it looks mightily like I’ll be spending winter again in my giant warm fuzzy bathrobe. I wear it like a Victorian gentleman wears his housecoat. Maybe I should get a cravat to go with it. Oh, and a pipe.
Item 6: Body. You’re tired to hell and back, but you’ve also lost your appetite? What is wrong with you now? Don’t tell me you’re stressed, you are not stressed, now stop lying on the floor like a wet rag and go eat your dinner. Come on now, this is not complicated! You can have some chocolate cake if you eat all your healthy food. What… you don’t want chocolate cake?! Who are you and what have you done with my real body?!
Item 7: Could someone please revamp the Ten Commandments and add “Thou shalt not stink on public transport”? I said it last week and I’ll say it again, people, soap and water are available. If you have a smart phone and a briefcase I’m just going to assume you also have a place to live. You smell like you haven’t showered for a week, even if by some heinous miracle your living place has no water right now, don’t you have any friends whose shower you could use? Parents? Siblings? People who would bone you if you smelled better? What about the public baths, we still have those, right? If you don’t have a place to live, there are various places catering to this particular sort of predicament for free and they also have showers! Google them on your smart phone. I know you have internet connection, you’re currently checking the news.
Item 8: I almost kneed a 3-year-old in the face. Why do I complain, you ask? Well, because I didn’t even mean to! Mothers everywhere, please teach your sprogs the basics of everyday logic: if you try to rush the door of the tram while people are trying to get out you’re going to have a bad time. Especially when you’re not even three feet tall. Kids everywhere, dammit, try to think before you do anything. Next time maybe I can’t stop mid-step and then you have to tell your kindergarten fellows the exciting story of how you got the brightly coloured piece of plaster in the middle of your face. Do you want that? Well, I guess yes, you do, because you’re three years old and people your age are weird enough to enjoy getting a hot pink cast for a broken nose.
Also, Blogging201, which I’m seriously behind with, assigned for me to do a poll, which fits kinda nicely in today’s rather long post. Also, I don’t feel like doing all the other stuff right now. So here goes:
Also, here’s the only thing that kept me sane this week (yes, that’s saying something):