Abominable Blatherer Strikes Again! Who will save the city? Not me, I’m on break.

I’m going to name my first stomach ulcer after this guy.

Remember this guy? No? How ’bout now?

I don’t even know where to fucking start. He’s no longer satisfied with talking us to death, now he has upgraded to utter nonsense that, if this were a job in the so-called real world, would get him fired and thrown out on the street so fast his ass would leave cracks in the pavement.

Does he show up to any meetings? No, he cancels five minutes before. Does he show up for his assigned hours? No, he cancels without informing anyone. The work related thing that he absolutely wanted to do and whined about for weeks, does he do that? Nope, never shows up. Does he do any kind of work assigned to him? No, he’s got so much academic commitment, he’s busy, he just didn’t get around, and anyway, that’s your job! He’d much rather do this and this and this because that’s more important, that’s what’s really going to get this team working!

He’s acting completely on his own “authority” now. Going so far as to offer internships to high schoolers without so much as a by your leave, team! We do not offer internships. We have neither the authority, permission nor competence to employ interns. The higher-ups would be most displeased. We can’t issue certificates. Also, the Blatherer (who offered the kid an internship with him, not with anyone else, no, just him) does not work nearly enough for the kid to learn anything substantial. So I wrote the high schooler sorry, mistake, can’t do it, but maybe you can become a full-on team member once you graduate, and if you’re looking for internships herehavesomelinkstoplacesthatactuallyofferinternships! I was nice! I was personable!

In comes the Blatherer and e-mails the kid to disregard everything I said.

No, you don’t understand, he literally said ‘disregard’.

So then other people get on him and tell him not to pull shit like this. Definitely not without asking if it’s okay. Definitely not without asking if that’s even legally possible, Mister We-need-to-propose-motions-and-act-on-democratic-principles!

And what’s his argument? “Well, we never said we didn’t do internships!”

This is why common sense stipulations should be a thing. Like, a thing you have to sign once you turn 18, otherwise you won’t be recognised as a legal adult. ‘I hearby declare that I will use my brain before I do anything‘. Something like that.

And then he goes, weeeell, such and such official department said I could do that!

I e-mailed them today. Let’s see. I have the sneaking suspicion the truth content of this statement is comparable to “Yes, I read the terms and conditions”.

I just don’t get this guy. What does he want? Control? Power? Does that get him off? First he contacts a photographer without anyone agreeing; then blows up in the face of the computer department because they were trying to double check some data we sent them; now this. Also, he decided we should have a new team member! And he’s coming by tomorrow! Because!

No one of the other ones knows this guy. There’s no e-mail contact, nor phone call, nor nothing. Just because the Blatherer invited him without telling anyone. We have no way of telling the guy we can’t meet him on such short notice and without even knowing his name. The only thing we know is that the Blatherer apparently promised this young man to help him get his father from Syria (!) to come to this country. Which… how? We could pay the young man even nowhere near the amount he’d need for travel expenses for his dad. Civic participation and all… but we can’t do it. We don’t have the means! We don’t have the budget! We just don’t!

So now everyone’s pissed and the chairpersons are tearing at their hair and trying to come up with a solution. I already talked to the Blatherer a month ago about how he can’t pull shit like this. What did I tell him about unauthorized and unilateral decision? I told him not to do it! This should be easy enough to understand for someone who’s in his twenties! So now I say, let him crash and burn. Let him have his bloody intern, if the highers get his ass, that ain’t my problem. I tried being nice. I don’t give second chances.

Uuuuuuuggghhh. I’m so fed up. I’m so done. I was having fun, and then along came this guy. What am I being punished for, was my life too easy again? Someone please hit him with a rubber chicken, that’ll show him!

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The Return of the Abominable Blatherer!

So I’ve been keepin’ busy. Our apartment building’s been getting new windows in and Tuesday it was our turn, and I can still feel the dust in the air. I can feel it because I’m allergic. I haven’t stopped sneezing in days. And no amount of airing and vacuuming will get it out.

I’m also preparing a workshop. I’ve never lead a workshop before. Safe to say I’m a nervous wreck. Never been more nervous in my life, in fact. I want this to be good, you know? I want to distribute knowledge amongst my students-for-the-day. I want them to walk out of that room at the end of the day going, “Jup, that helped.”

Somehow this master’s thesis is also not writing itself and I need to go see my supervisor sometime soon.

And the last thing I need in between all of this… is this guy.

I feel like Jack Nicholson in that old Batman movie: I’ve given a name to my pain, and it is Batman the Abominable Blatherer. Now, if my problem was Michael Keaton, I’d be overwrought with joy. Because it’s Michael Keaton. Instead, I’m settled with… this guy.

So last year, before he was here, the team decided against putting pictures of our faces on the website. Because seriously, the team is rotating so much you’d have to switch out pictures ever year. Like, I’ll be gone come summer. Also, some of us are very concerned with control of our images on the web because by damn did we learn from American examples. Then internet is no longer our own private hidey-hole like it was in the early 2000s, now it’s a public place. No, we don’t even put pictures of us partying on facebook. No, not even if our bosses can’t force us to facebook friend them. No, not even if it’s illegal for our bosses to even ask us for our facebook name (we don’t even use our real names! And all our profiles are set to private! Because!). European millenials know how the damn internet works, so we like to keep our faces to ourselves until we get a real job, thank you very much.

I mean, look, it’s one thing to ask a question if you don’t know there was already a decision on this. It’s one thing to ask again because after all, we do have some newbies as well who may or may not want some pictures of themselves. That’s all fine.

But the Blatherer went ahead and contacted a professional photographer and got an estimate for group and single pictures. Mind, he did that literally five minutes after he said “Hey, we should have photos!” and literally three days before he thought to ask the twelve other people on the team about this. And now he keeps going on about it via e-mail. “I don’t understand why we can’t have pics!” Because the rest of us said no last year. Just because you are here now doesn’t change the minds of everyone else. Also, money. Why should our collective fund go to something only one of us wants and which is no use to our target audience? Hell, I even offered to lend out my old reflex camera if he absolutely wants a damn picture of himself so badly. But nope, it needs to be professional!

Now there are about 30+ e-mails in my inbox of people going back and forth and trying to get him to accept a solution that does not cost more than a hundred bucks. Does anyone beside me realise how much this guy is trying to run the show? Is anyone else tired? Is anyone else losing their motivation?

Also, we need an emergency meeting to discuss the new statutes he’s drawn up.

Someone should talk to this young man. But why me? Don’t we have people to deal with this? Like psychologists? Or HR? Or hitmen? Anyone?

The Amazing Adventures of the Abominable Blatherer!

Okay, so, I’m breaking a bit of a codex here. I made pact with myself that I wouldn’t talk about work. More precisely, that I wouldn’t talk shit about my colleagues. Such pacts are all well and good until your gorge rises and your heart speed is suddenly in the three digits area.

Do you know those people who talk… but they’re not actually saying anything? Like, they just talk? And talk? And talk? And talk? And no matter how often you tell them to shut up they just won’t? Even if they’re labouring a moot point? Even if whatever they’re complaining about was already resolved? Even if whatever they want just makes things more complicated and less efficient?

I have one of those at my work place. It’s getting ridiculous.

Usually, we’re quite an informal group. Things get discussed, pros and contras are brought in, and decisions are made via a simple majority of raised hands, or just a round of ‘yeah, sure’s. Also usually, we’re unanimous because most of our plans are sensible.

And then there’s this guy.

He’s not against anything, per se. But he’s trying to turn us into fucking parliament. We can’t just make a suggestion for a project or something, no, no, no, we need to propose a motion. And to show us how this works, he puts forward a motion that we sponsor a fund-raiser for a history related project he’s doing. Problem being, the way our place is set up, we’re not legally allowed to take in money from people. Don’t ask me, it’s complicated legal shit. All we can do is ask for donations, but we can’t, like, sell tickets or something. So we discuss this, because we all think this is what he wants us to do, and we go back and forth for ten minutes, with him yelling in between about democracy, until we finally arrive at the conclusion… all he wants is for us to promote the project and fund-raiser, which he’ll organise himself, on our homepage and social media.

Okay? Why didn’t you just say that? I mean, the project is interesting enough for our target audience and it’s for a good cause so why all this legal mumbo jumbo about motions and compliance audits and applicable documents? Just send us your shit and we’ll do it!

Somehow, though, he’s convinced that our team has dire troubles with decision making and general leadership, never mind the fact that we’ve all been rather happy with the way it’s been. But no, we need some really strict guidelines. And we can’t just have simple majority when we vote on something, we need to stick to three-quarters majority. And why are there never any abstentions, eh? Is everyone being pressured into casting their vote on something they don’t want by our evil chairpersons?! This is not how democracy works, we need to act according to democratic lines, what we really need are decent statutes that list in detail how we vote and in which order topics are dealt with, and which kind of projects receive aid, and how we propose motions and how to carry a motion and how to reject a motion…

Meanwhile, we’re all over there like

And if we want him to stop talking we should just propose a cloture, a motion to close debate, which I do, because fuck him, let’s get a laugh out of this, and we got a three-quarter majority on that particular motion and yet somehow, he keeps going.

You know? That kinda person who keeps coming up with all sorts of rules which apply to anyone but him?

I leave that particular meeting early. Because fuck it, I said I got two hours time, I’m not getting paid anyway, so two and a half hours is all you get from this bitch. And I’m not in here to get yelled at about democracy.

Look, I’m all for trying new things and better solutions and faster processes, and I respect the guy’s dedication to order. The problem is, he’s entirely inefficient, and efficiency is the thing I’m dedicated to. He’s slowing everything down with his inability to shut the fuck up. He’s making everyone resent his ass, thus fucking up the work climate. He’s actively blockading any decision. Just because he’s so in love with his ideas about motions. Like, didn’t he notice that parliament doesn’t exactly run smoothly? And that the number one complaint in this country is the mass of bureaucracy you have to wade through just to get a simple thing done? Like repair a bridge that needed repairing for the last twenty years? (But that’s a complaint for another time.)

But this dude just doesn’t realise that this particular three-quarter majority is so not on board with his suggestions. Because he’s not making suggestions, he’s flat out telling us that everything we do is wrong because he says so, because obviously he’s the expert in all things conduct and guidelines and law and politics. To me he’s sounding like he’s using democracy and bureaucracy as a shield to mark the beginning of a personal dictatorship which he will achieve by talking relentlessly until we all just give in to make him shut up. I’m so not here for that.

I’m also wondering what his sex life is like. “Motion to receive oral pleasure!” – ” Motion denied.”

Next time I see him I’ll just toss jelly babies at his head while shouting, “Hold it! Objection! Take that!”

And before any of you come in here like, “Yeah, tough gal, how ’bout you tell all that to his face instead of talking shit behind his back?”, I have. I have, multiple times. Multiple times over the last half a year he’s been here. I tried it nicely. Then I tried it not so nicely. Then I started yelling because he gave me a headache. Do you honestly think that type of person listens? And certainly not to me. Jelly babies it is!

Rant Day! Things Never Stopped Pissing Me Off, But I Forgot to Write Them Down!

Item 1: Welcome to grad school, where the rules are made up and deadlines don’t count. This whole MA thing might just take an entire year longer because they maybe won’t let me in the write-your-thesis seminar because I didn’t get a grade on one stupid other seminar in time. So fucking inflexible. But then I keep hearing stories that many girls just got in anyway, never mind that they were only halfway done with all their prerequisites. Look, I got everything done, I registered my topic, and I have a supervisor. Why can you never make an exception for me, huh?

Item 2: Had a very bad bout of depression about the state of women and the state of the world in general, and Boyfriend thinks I can’t read his thoughts. I know that he thinks its ridiculous, that’s why I don’t talk to him about it, even if he insists I talk to him about it. It’s not like he could solve the world for me. It’s not like he can even listen without an uncomfortable sigh or an interjection of “Well, men have it bad too, you know”. Yeah, well, that’s your own problem, isn’t it? Who’s creating problems for everyone?

Item 3: Boyfriend and my clothes. First it’s, “Are you wearing sweatpants?!” Yes. Yes, I am. We’re going to the grocery store, I’m not dressing up for that. It’s aisle 4 at the corner store, not the New York fashion week or some shit. Then later he said to me, “You could wear something like this sometimes” after seeing a woman presenter on TV in a dress. Okay, one: A guy who spent every day of the last thirty-odd years in jeans and t-shirts does not get to tell me how to dress. Two: Right, where? Am I going on TV? Am I getting paid? Do I get my own stylist? Are we going out? No, we never go out. So now I’m sitting here in my best red dress with all my jewellery on, and I’m playing Diablo III, and I’mma get my season char to level 70 before him. In style. Suck it, motherfucker.

Item 4: Overwatch is taking forever to get here, the alpha’s been out forever, come on, Blizz, I need something new to waste my life with!

Item 5: I’m so done with losing weight, I’m just going to pretend this is the fault of the Neanderthal DNA I no doubt carry in large quantities, they got a new study coming out in Bonn that Neanderthal DNA can influence your weight, maybe I should just send them a blood sample?

Item 6: I think I’m going to write a lengthy exposé about why school dress codes are fucking disgusting, because literally the only thing you’re teaching kids is that girls’ bodies are free to be policed by so-called ‘authorities’ at any and all points in their lives. So glad we don’t have this shit here, but who knows, stupidity is known to spread across the globe real fast.

Item 7: I’m not half as creative as I think I am, as evidenced by the fact that all porn parody titles I come up with already exist. Bet you didn’t know that “Whorrey Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls” was a thing, eh? Apparently that one won an award.

Item 8: There’s an influx of graffiti in the ‘hood, so now I have to go out in the cold with my red pen and correct their spelling and grammar mistakes. Assholes. Everyone has a smart phone, but gods forbid they download a dictionary.

Item 9: So I looked at some what the facebook friends-of-friends promised me to be amusing pictures titled “Why my kid is crying”. Like the Queen, I was not amused. Most of the time I was thinking, Why are you snapping a picture when you should be slapping some sense into your dumb fucking kid? And that’s how I realised I’m still not ready for parenthood.

Rant Day! First Complaint of 2016, Wooo!

Item 1: Despite my best efforts, I gained even more fucking weight. I’d be seriously contemplating a gym membership if it wasn’t another drain on my financial resources. But I can’t keep ballooning up! I’m too damn broke to buy new pants!

Item 2: Now what’s this? What’s the object of all this white stuff outside? Is it an enormously large group of enormously large polar bears? Is it spilt paint? Did a cocaine truck fall over? No? Then what the hell is all that white stuff doing there? Just fancy frozen water? And the government’s doing nothing, it’s a fucking disgrace!

Item 3: Okay, so the local drug store is giving away this woman’s magazine for free. I take it in hopes of recipes. And every time I am severely disappointed because the trends of women’s magazine recipes seem to be a constant oscillation of roasted savoy cabbage on one extreme, and some high fashion something that involves 14 well-timed steps on the other. I know we’re all panicking about meat now, but can we have some normal food?

Item 4: Speaking of food, is anyone else baffled by this Paleo food trend thing? Eat like cavemen… except for the fact that you don’t because if you’re trying to eat like 50,000 BC you will soon find you can’t. I’m mainly annoyed with the word. Paleo. Paleolithic. I just…. This is not accurate! The Paleolithic age lasted for over two million years. Lots of things happen in over two million years. I mean, didn’t you notice the lack of mammoth and giant stag everywhere when you came up with that? Are we still hunting glyptodon? I dare you to google gylptodon. We should have tamed that thing because it’s awesome but humans weren’t on to the domestication trend back then. So what are you eating? meat. Beef. Pork. Chicken. While I’m all for eating meat, I’d like to point out that cows have been domesticated for 10,000 years, pigs for 13,000, chickens for some 8000 years. So… not really Paleo, is it? More like Mesolithic, get your facts straight, go visit a museum once in a while. I mean, you shun potatoes, which have also been cultivated for some 10,000 years as being ‘not Paleo’. Yet you’ll eat broccoli and kale which have only been cultivated since around the fifth century BC. Might as well skip the beef and chicken, too. Go hard or go home (to your cave)! And anyway, all evidence points to ‘cavemen’ eating literally everything. If you gave a caveperson a cupcake, they’d eat it. And maybe your hand, too, because you know what’s very Paleolithic? Cannibalism.

Also, if you think you can cheat death by going back to the roots or somesuch nonsense, I’d like to point out 1) neither in the Paleolithic nor in the Mesolithic age did humans live as long, on average, as they do now, and 2) that archaeologists have found evidence of bone cancer in a 120,000 year old skeleton. So you know… eat your cupcakes while you can. Just give up and change the name of your fad diet, it is not accurate and that’s bothering me! 

Item 5: What happens in Cologne does not stay in Cologne. So I wonder… if one of the women assaulted in Cologne on New Year’s had shot her assailant, would the police still not have heard or seen a thing? Just throwing that thought out there.

Item 6: My new bag is great, but extremely heavy even without anything in it. I could club someone to death with that thing. Which, given the recent outbursts of gender motivated violence in my city and nearby ones, is probably a good thing. If someone come at me, they gon’ eat handbag.

Yeah… try as I might to write it off as a joke, the new year so far has been a bit rough. It’s hard to be funny when you want to scream. Stay safe out there.

Rant Day! A Few Things That Earned Mine Ire, Oct 26 – Nov 1

Item 1: Brought to you by local news: So a guy punched a woman in the face on the subway in broad daylight, then slapped her boyfriend because she kissed her boyfriend and he felt provoked by that kiss because he hasn’t had a girlfriend in two years. It’s spreading! The stupidity is spreading! I told you this kinda shit would happen if we don’t put America under a giant glass dome soon! This level of entitlement is not indigenous, I tell you. People used to be reasonable here. No more so, apparently! Like, dude, really, you didn’t have a girlfriend in two years? Could that have anything to do with the fact that you like punching people in public, you fucked up asswipe? Can we bring back the pillory already? Or at least publish the name of this absolute tool somewhere, so women will know to avoid him forever. This is the kind of guy who’s stinking up the gene pool, don’t for the love of any god you care for let him breed. Spread the word, make it known.

Item 2: People on public transport, stop staring at me because I’m carrying a cake. Don’t you ever carry cake around? Sucks to be you, then, you probably don’t have any friends.

Item 3: I changed my thesis focus slightly and now I’m questioning everything I’m doing and have been doing and will ever do.

Item 4: Why do some amazon sellers insist on making their return policy as complicated as humanly possible? Okay, you know what, maybe I just keep this surplus item, this all seems just not worth the hassle.

Ahhhh. Actually, this wasn’t a bad week. Like, for me, personally. But now it’s November and I got a shit ton of stuff to do. So… don’t you get used to this.

Rant Day! Things That Pissed Me Off, Oct 12 – 18

Item 1: Remember how I spent all summer complaining about the heat? Yeah, well, now I’m cold. Is there no decent weather to be had on this rotten planet?

Item 2: Got up early, had breakfast, got dressed, was super motivated, only to find out my class was cancelled. Goddamnit!

Item 3: Why is it always the old male profs who are so hideously unorganised it makes me want to bash my brains out with a steel rod? Is that sexist? Is that ageist? I mean, yeah, maybe, but it’s also true. Like, any female prof and young male prof I ever had arrived in the first session all like, “Alright, attendance list, check. Waiting list, check. Sorry, you’re out, better luck next time. Here’s your reading list and your schedule for the semester, it also tells you how you are being graded, everyone take one, but it’s also online. Here’s a list with group presentation topics and dates, everyone pick one and collect contact addresses from your presentation colleagues. I’ll expect you to mail me your powerpoint slides at least two days in advance. You’ll also be writing your paper on this topic, short paper, about ten pages, just an fyi. Use any style sheet you’re comfortable with, but be consistent. On X date I’m not here, so there’s no class, on X date we’ll have our final exam, you’ll get to choose between two questions dealing with any of the literature we’ve discussed, you pick one, write a short essay, about 700 words. Deadline for your papers is X. My office hours are X, drop in any time. Any questions? No? Alright, let’s get this party started with an introduction to our topic and why the works on the reading list are significant.”

And every old male prof I ever had is like, “Alright, attendance… oh, no, why don’t I first tell you what this course is about, it’s not like you actually read the info when you signed up. How about I go on a tangent about why I love this particular book so much? Attendance? Oh, well, pass a list around. Who’s on the waiting list? Oh, we’ll get to that later. So anyway… [anecdote][tangent][unrelated thing] By the way, has anyone read any of the books on the reading list already? In another course maybe? Okay, well, don’t pick that one for your presentation. Have I mentioned you’re supposed to do a presentation? What, group or single? We’ll get to that later. Yes, about this book… [tangent] Right, why don’t we set some presentation dates? We’ll get to the exact topics later. Actually, let’s not bother with the topics right now, just see me in my office hour, I’ll think of something. Group presentation? Ah, well, if you think it’s necessary. Final exam? We’ll get to that later. Anyway, do you use X style sheet? Oh, there’s another? Alright, use that. But this one is very different from X style sheet, yes? Ah, well, I’ll think about which you can use. Okay, I changed my mind about topics, everyone presenting in November will have X work and everyone presenting in December will have Y work. Oh, there’s also January? Alright, you take Z work. Deadline for the paper? Oh, let’s say mid-December. Now, remember, I want you to use input from your in-class discussion in your paper. Let’s ignore completely how that’s not possible for anyone presenting after mid-December. Anyway, about this book [tangent][anecdote][entire class confused].”

Why?

Item 4: Why is it that in the first week of university everything goes wrong? And I mean everything at once. Like, full on, colleagues having hospital scale accidents. Is there something in the water?

Item 5: Public transport, my arch nemesis! Listen up, fuckboys, the tram is entirely the wrong place for establishing dominance by claiming territory. You don’t have territory here. People are moving all the time. And you’re in the way. That door is broken, I need to get to the other. I said “Excuse me” in a reasonable tone and volume. Thing 1, why don’t you get off the phone for two seconds to move your briefcase that’s in the middle of the aisle? Thing 2, don’t just stare at the wall, move your fat ass out of the way. Let me try again with a slightly louder “Excuse me”. No? Still no reaction? I might as well be thin air. Fine, gentlemen, nice knowing you, meet my umbrella! What? Don’t complain. Move yourselves or get moved.

Item 6: My eye’s hurting again and it’s torture. Also, I’m having the migraine attack from hell on the weekend and nothing is helping. Water, check. Tea, check. Moar water, check. Aspirin, check. Other medical stuff, check. Yoga, check. Nothing! And I so wanted to go to the night flea market! I’m noticing a trend here, every time I prepare to go out and do something fun my body is just like, “Nope!” It’s like the universe is telling me to stay home for reasons I can’t quite fathom and I hope this will make some fucking sense in the fucking future because right now it just feels twelve levels of unfair.

Sigh. I wear my suuuunglasses indoors, so I can, so I can, not die from pain because fuck these liiiights….

Rant Day! Things That Pissed Me Off, Oct 5-10

Item 1: Mayoral elections are coming up and its a mess. Basically, the government is putting a gun to our heads saying “Socialist or right-wing!” and I’m just over here like, “Pull the trigger.” One candidate has proven to be incompetent. The other one is known for shouting a lot but not getting anything useful done. All other parties are so minuscule right now they’ll never even get close to the town hall, so what’s the point? And if I see one more balding fat man slinging mud at another balding fat man I swear I’m going to go postal. Go home! Both of you! No one wants you here! Maybe I should run next time. I’ll establish the first Assassin’s Party. It’s a foolproof scheme. People will vote for me or else I’ll just have them meet with an accident! Then when I’m mayor, everyone will just do as I say unless they want to wake up with a knife in their back! Oh, we’re very conservative, we’re using the world’s oldest method of persuasion: shameless blackmail and old-fashioned violence. We’ll also dress in impeccable black suits. We’re not simple brutes, you know. Just gentlefolk who wish to extract the razorblades from the cotton candy of life. Mostly by stabbing the razorblades.

Item 2: They told us we’d get new windows in October. It is October. Well? I’m waiting. Hop to it. Look, I don’t want much in life, alright? But a couple windows where you don’t have to mop the floor every time it rains outside would be nice. Did you notice it’s been raining rather heavily lately? Well, did you? Because I did.

Item 3: My uterus is eating itself alive again and I’m in a lot of pain.

Item 4: Somehow my city managed to have a giant water main burst that brought all traffic to a standstill and made everyone late not once but twice this week. How old are those damn pipes? It’s not like it was freezing, so… how?

Item 5: I’ve had to take eye drops for over a month now and I still keep missing my eyes. How hard is it to drop the stuff into the eyeball and not literally everywhere else, up to and including nostrils? Extremely hard, apparently. My excuse is that I can’t see what I’m aiming at, which is completely true.

Item 6: People who design game characters who are meant to fight in 12 cm heels should be forced to wear heels for a week. Try doing anything routine and everyday in heels, let alone fight. Try walking for a start. I know there are some drag queens out there who can pack a punch in glittering stilettos but I guarantee you your character is not one of them and neither are you. Also, who keeps proclaiming from up high that torso protection is obsolete for females? Do female game characters have some sort of magical uterus shield that can ward off swords and arrows and whatever magic will get thrown at you? Because if they do I want that. Or do they just not have any vital organs in their mid-sections that need protection? Is that why they’re all so skinny? Do they just cram all their organs into their boobs? That would explain so much! (This complaint brought to you by Diablo III’s Demon Hunter and Barbarian designs.)

Arrgh. I think I’m finished. Anything you’d like to add?

Rant Day! Things That Pissed Me Off, Aug 29 – Sep 4

Item 1: Workers drilling god knows what into the wall right next to my door is giving me more anxiety that should be the case. Like, what if they drill into my wardrobe? What if they drill into my ironing board? What if they just drill my door open aaaand it’s time to hide all the stuff again.

No, I’m not very trusting of people, why do you ask?

Item 2: Christ’s left foot on a waffle, is there never any quiet in this house?! First there’s drilling and hammering all day long, then Boyfriend absolutely must watch reruns of The Walking Dead. It was bad enough last week when he had to watch football (which by now should be called ‘buy players and stop trying’-ball). Like, why? I was looking forward to a quiet evening! You already watched this! You’re supposed to study, anyway! Why do you have to watch a show you know I don’t like now when my head is already screaming at the world to shut up? (For anyone wondering why I don’t like The Walking Dead, it’s because too much pointless bickering, too much human drama, not enough zombies. If I want to watch people bitch and scream at each other I’ll just stream some reality TV. I want zombies in a zombie show, dammit! Is that too much to ask? But most of the time they’re just lumbering around in the background and when the plot needs some development and/or less characters it’s like ‘Oh no, zombies! Totally didn’t see them there!’) And then you ask me stupid shit like, hey, what’s that character’s name again? What was that guy doing again? Do you remember what was happening there? No! I most certainly do not! I don’t watch your stupid show! I don’t fucking know! I don’t fucking care! Leave me the fuck alone!

I’m sorry, I get like this sometimes when my introverted needs for silence and solitude are not met.

Item 3: My neighbour is the worst at holding parcels. Sometimes in the course of human events it befalls that your neighbour is not home when the mail carrier comes a-callin’, so the mail carrier might ask you if you could hold the parcel for your neighbour. Your neighbour has done this for you in the past, so no problem, right? Mail carrier even writes your neighbour a note. Only then apparently a piece of history goes missing because somehow your neighbour, after being ignored by you for two days every time she rings your bell, finds her parcel one floor down smack dab in the middle of the hallway, leaving her slightly flabbergasted and disgruntled. In case it wasn’t clear, I am that neighbour, I’m quite disgruntled and I’d like some answers.

Item 4: Pinterest is taking over my life. I actually caved and purchased a paper planner. Yes, me; the sworn enemy of handwriting. But they’re so pretty! And you can colour code all your event! Never mind that everything I have to do in a day fits on a post-it! Never mind the dry erase board in the hall! Never mind that you still have to set reminders for absolutely everything on your phone because paper still doesn’t beep! Making yourself actually write things down makes you feel like you really have your shit together. The house may be a mess, you haven’t called your mom in a week, you have approximately 326 errands to run because you keep procrastinating but hey, it’s not like you’re being lazy, you’re writing everything down that needs doing! By hand! In this super adult looking planner! Also, organising your desk drawers with the help of origami paper boxes is of course at a much higher priority level than, say, literally anything else.

Item 5: Boyfriend still hasn’t discovered the kittens swarming his figurines. Dammit, man, it’s been weeks!

Item 6: I really should make a collage out of all the rejections to my job applications I’m getting. Make art from pain! … or something.

Rant Day! I’m Getting My Rant Game Back on Track!

Item 1: So I actually got a compliment the other day. In public, no less. And it weirded me out, because, hello, since when do we talk to strangers on public transport?! This is Autism Central, we don’t acknowledge people’s existence until we bump into them! So I’m on the subway, White Lies blaring in my ears, when I feel someone tapping my shoulder. Thinking it’s just a late tourist trying to get to the airport, because that’d be the right line for that purpose, I unplug my ears, turn and say, “Yeah?” And this hipster looking dude with round turquoise Harry Potter-esque glasses says, “Hey, I just wanted to say your glasses are real cool. That’s it, really.” And proceeds back to his corner as I say a slightly baffled, “Okay. Thanks. Yours are nice, too.” And spent the rest of the train ride stewing in my own awkwardness, suddenly questioning the entire universe. Who is this guy? What’s so special about my glasses? Is he doing a Random Act of Kindness kind of project to get more followers on his Twitter feed? Is he tweeting about this now? Is he snapchatting his bros about my glasses?! What just happened?! Does not compute!

Safe to say I’m bad with compliments. Probably because I never get any except from my mom.

Item 2: I got back into Pilates with the end of the heat wave and now I’m hurting in places I didn’t even know could hurt, or, for that matter, were located within my body.

Item 3: I recently found out that my dad and most of the people he knows of the 50+ generation never wrote a single letter of application in their entire life. Not one goddamn cover letter, and those guys ain’t exactly poor. They just knew people who were like, hey, you seem cool, wanna come hang in our brand new office? Like, the first job my dad ever had, he walked out on the second day all like, screw you dickwipes. And it’s like, why are you asking me why I don’t have a proper job when the real question should be, how do YOU even have a proper job?! You didn’t exactly work for it, no pun intended. Fellow millenials, it’s time we take to the barricades! As soon as we can afford any.

Item 4: Mom got her first smartphone and I’m so proud of the progress she made so far, even though she says it’s like having to learn to read all over again. And now dad’s all jealous of me because I’m a better teacher than he is. Right in the generation gap.

Item 5: I seem to be hanging out a lot with my parents, is that normal?

Item 6: I swear job interviews are getting weirder every year. Like, they make you do little tests now like maths and proofreading. What’s next, asking me what kind of animal I’d be if I was an animal? (BTW, the answer is either cat or koala. I excel at sleeping and I’m a picky eater.)

Item 7: The next heat wave is rolling around! Run for your lives! Meet me in Iceland!

P.s.: It’s been over a week and Boyfriend has not noticed the kitten attack.