Rant Day! First Complaint of 2016, Wooo!

Item 1: Despite my best efforts, I gained even more fucking weight. I’d be seriously contemplating a gym membership if it wasn’t another drain on my financial resources. But I can’t keep ballooning up! I’m too damn broke to buy new pants!

Item 2: Now what’s this? What’s the object of all this white stuff outside? Is it an enormously large group of enormously large polar bears? Is it spilt paint? Did a cocaine truck fall over? No? Then what the hell is all that white stuff doing there? Just fancy frozen water? And the government’s doing nothing, it’s a fucking disgrace!

Item 3: Okay, so the local drug store is giving away this woman’s magazine for free. I take it in hopes of recipes. And every time I am severely disappointed because the trends of women’s magazine recipes seem to be a constant oscillation of roasted savoy cabbage on one extreme, and some high fashion something that involves 14 well-timed steps on the other. I know we’re all panicking about meat now, but can we have some normal food?

Item 4: Speaking of food, is anyone else baffled by this Paleo food trend thing? Eat like cavemen… except for the fact that you don’t because if you’re trying to eat like 50,000 BC you will soon find you can’t. I’m mainly annoyed with the word. Paleo. Paleolithic. I just…. This is not accurate! The Paleolithic age lasted for over two million years. Lots of things happen in over two million years. I mean, didn’t you notice the lack of mammoth and giant stag everywhere when you came up with that? Are we still hunting glyptodon? I dare you to google gylptodon. We should have tamed that thing because it’s awesome but humans weren’t on to the domestication trend back then. So what are you eating? meat. Beef. Pork. Chicken. While I’m all for eating meat, I’d like to point out that cows have been domesticated for 10,000 years, pigs for 13,000, chickens for some 8000 years. So… not really Paleo, is it? More like Mesolithic, get your facts straight, go visit a museum once in a while. I mean, you shun potatoes, which have also been cultivated for some 10,000 years as being ‘not Paleo’. Yet you’ll eat broccoli and kale which have only been cultivated since around the fifth century BC. Might as well skip the beef and chicken, too. Go hard or go home (to your cave)! And anyway, all evidence points to ‘cavemen’ eating literally everything. If you gave a caveperson a cupcake, they’d eat it. And maybe your hand, too, because you know what’s very Paleolithic? Cannibalism.

Also, if you think you can cheat death by going back to the roots or somesuch nonsense, I’d like to point out 1) neither in the Paleolithic nor in the Mesolithic age did humans live as long, on average, as they do now, and 2) that archaeologists have found evidence of bone cancer in a 120,000 year old skeleton. So you know… eat your cupcakes while you can. Just give up and change the name of your fad diet, it is not accurate and that’s bothering me! 

Item 5: What happens in Cologne does not stay in Cologne. So I wonder… if one of the women assaulted in Cologne on New Year’s had shot her assailant, would the police still not have heard or seen a thing? Just throwing that thought out there.

Item 6: My new bag is great, but extremely heavy even without anything in it. I could club someone to death with that thing. Which, given the recent outbursts of gender motivated violence in my city and nearby ones, is probably a good thing. If someone come at me, they gon’ eat handbag.

Yeah… try as I might to write it off as a joke, the new year so far has been a bit rough. It’s hard to be funny when you want to scream. Stay safe out there.


9 thoughts on “Rant Day! First Complaint of 2016, Wooo!

  1. You don’t need a gym to lose weight and get in shape! Just watch your portion sizes, drinks more water, cut own on processed sugary foods and move more. You could even start running! Yes, I’m a little biased when it comes to the wonders that running does for you physically and mentally, and you don’t even have to run marathons like I do to reap the benefits! Also, running is practically free! (You just need a good pair of running shoes to protect your feet and knees.) There are lots of exercises you can do at home, too, that don’t require weight machines.

    You can do it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the pep talk, but here’s the thing: I don’t eat processed food. I drink 3l of water a day. I can’t run because I have knee issues, but I’ve been doing Pilates, cardio, and weight training at home for some three years now, and while I lost weight initially, it keeps creeping back. I switch up exercise routines regularly and I don’t consume more calories than three years ago. I don’t even get close to 2000 cal. And despite all this, I keep gaining. My doctor’s no help either, she just says that as long as I’m at a normal weight I don’t have to worry. Do you see my dilemma? That’s why I keep complaining, because I don’t get what’s going on here. D:


      • Well, I’m 5’5″ so I know how tall you are. I get it. I do! I’ve been trying to shed 10 pounds for the last year and it’s been difficult. I run a lot (I’ve run one marathon a year for the last 4 years) and do my best to eat right, but I can’t seem to lose it, so I totally understand where you’re coming from. The only thing I know that helps you lose weight is to consume less than you expend. But when it comes to people of our height and weight, a simple 10 pounds gets to be tricky. I’ll let you know if anything I do helps!


      • Kudos to you for training for and running marathons, that’s massive amounts of willpower! I actually did some research this week (while procrastinating from researching for a paper, this is a whole new level of procrastination) and I came up with a lot of results about stress weight gain. Turns out, when people are stressed some will eat more, but even if they don’t, the heightened cortisol levels let you burn less calories not matter what you do. D: So maybe we just need to stay home and chill and the problem will fix itself XD


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