You mean, when was the last time I actually felt awake? Never. Pretty much never. Maybe that one time the year before last when I had a bout of flu and the fever finally broke. The first feverless day I was like, “Who wants to swim to Africa and back?!” and then I faceplanted into the floor trying to get out of bed. Never trust feeling rested.
Considering I got up at 11 am I should feel rested, but predictably I’m not. There is not a single day when I wake up and don’t immediately want to go back to bed. I don’t even wake up on my own. It’s either alarm clock, construction work starting at 7 in the morning, or my dreams are so weird my brain gets fed up with itself and decides to push me into the waking world.
My dreams are one of the main reasons I never feel recharged. My dreams are just exhausting. You know how other people have nice normal dreams of being in their underwear at work, or at least creatively weird dreams that can inspire short stories? Well, here’s what I get: So I’m in this like 19th c. big house and they have a reeeeeally long oak-panelled corridor. Every once in a while people are walking through that corridor towards the other end because there is a school play, but right now no one’s here so I wonder to myself if I could do a ballerina jump, so I start to run up and jump but of course it doesn’t work because I’m wearing skinny jeans. So I hope that no one saw that and pretend like I’m just going to see the school play. I sit next to a man in his forties who keeps pushing his arm on my armrest and his hand on my knee so I push him away and the entire row starts to move away from me, chairs and all, and laughing good-naturedly. Then the play starts and a seven year old boy starts to sing a song about a treasure hunt with a voice like Barry White.
Yeah. I guess at that point my brain was like WTF self, and kicked me out of sleep.
And thus I begin every day lurching around like a zombie. My morning doesn’t look like a cereal commercial; my morning looks like an episode of The Walking Dead, minus all the drama.
I once read this post on tumblr (yes, yes, I know) about someone wondering how the first human to fall asleep felt. The poster argued that this person would have felt most confused. This post upset me because it ignores the entirety of human development from ape-like creatures to the homo sapiens of today, all of whom arguably slept and all of whom arguably dreamed. Though I guess their dreams were different back then, because dreaming of being naked at your workplace could only have happened after clothes and workplaces were invented. I wonder if they also had weird ass dreams, like, dunno standing on top of a hill, being pursued by a bear and suddenly the bear starts singing and pirouetting. Or maybe being late to the clan meeting and forgetting to bring the tree bark. Or something.
It’s 1 pm now, is that too early to take a nap? I wonder….
Exit, pursued by a gangnam-styling bear singing California Girls.