I’m Lawrence of Underwearia, Bringing You the Gospel According to St. Trunks

So I’ve started wearing men’s underwear.

And Boyfriend had a mini freak out.

Story time! So I’ve been really frustrated with my underwear recently, because due to a mighty amount of squats the booty be bangin’ but my underpants fit no more. I’ve been having the wedgies from hell. I might as well wear thongs, only I don’t because that’s as good as having a piece of shoe lace between your butt cheeks and that’s hellishly uncomfortable. So I’ve tried to find cheap underwear in two sizes up, at which point things get really expensive. I’ve found some cute DC superhero ones, though.

At around the same general point in time, I had a doctor’s appointment one one of the hottest days of the week (32ºC at 11 a.m. What. The. Hell. Literally.), but cancelling was not an option. When the outside temperature approaches my body’s temperature I get really uncomfortable and sweaty and I have no idea what I should wear because ‘nothing’ is also not an option. We have semi-naked or naked women (yes, sometimes literally naked, no, we don’t even cover nipples around here) on every other billboard but somehow women can’t go out naked in public. Does this not make sense to anyone else? Anyway. So I don’t want to wear pants. I also don’t want to wear shorts and show my legs because I’m self-conscious. The floor length skirt is in the wash covered in cat hair from the previous day’s visit to grandma’s. The breezy joggers suffered a horrible ice cream related accident. Why don’t I own bermudas? Oh, right, because I look terrible in them. Damn you, vanity!

Conundrum! I could wear a dress, I guess, I have a knee length one. But I hate wearing dresses without leggings because I’m paranoid someone will try to peek or try to take an upskirt pic with their stupid cellphone camera which absolutely everyone has now (yes, I know, I’m really paranoid) and then I’d have to pepper spray and beat up someone and that will make me late for my appointment.

Problem solve? I could wear shorts under a dress, but that’s too damn hot. And suddenly, an idea strikes. What if I wore boxer briefs? They’re like shorts, but they’re also underwear. Best of both worlds! So I sneak on tippy toe to Boyfriend’s underwear drawer and purloin a pair. Have fun taking pics of acres of black shorts, perverts!

So I spend my day in a dress and boxer briefs and find… hey, this isn’t half bad. I mean, my legs are too thick for the boxers because Boyfriend’s a twig, but my entire ass fits in here. When has that ever happened? If they were a size bigger the legs wouldn’t even be a problem. Maybe I should nick some briefs more often (only to find that you should absolutely not wear them under skinny jeans). As you know from my previous posts, I wear a lot of men’s clothing with the exception of pants because they’re too tight around the hips and too loose around the middle because men are shaped weirdly. So by extension I never thought men’s underwear would fit me. Until now.

Another idea strikes. I shall purchase some trunks for myself! Only in a size Medium because apparently women have bigger legs than men. Or maybe it’s just me and the thunder thighs of doom. Anyway.

So off to the store I hop and get a three pack of black boxer briefs. I hop home (okay, I’m not actually hopping in case that wasn’t clear), throw my new purchases in the wash and tell Boyfriend “Oh, by the way, I got myself some boxers, they’re a size M though, so you know, please don’t get them mixed up with yours.”

And Boyfriend unleashes the bitchface.

“Boxer shorts?!” he echoes.

“I needed underwear,” I say, feeling inexplicably defensive.

“Why would you wear boxers? They’re for men!”

“They’re comfy.”

“But they’re for men, why don’t you buy women’s underwear?”

“It’s cloth and and they’re stitched together in the same sweatshop in Taiwan or somewhere, why are you making such a big deal out of this?”

“It’s a real turn off.”

And I unleash the bitchface. “You oughtta know.”

Two days later, I’m in boxers and contrary to all my hopes the briefs do absolutely nothing to turn him off. Apparently the bitchfit was thrown on principle alone. I really need to talk him into getting his head checked, this shit ain’t normal.

Literally, it’s just stretchy cloth that happens to fit better. And the part in front, it’s not even hanging down or anything, so no dick required. I mean, I wouldn’t have a problem with him wearing women’s underwear. They’d fit him well, seeing as he has the right amount of hips and butt, namely zero. Really, I don’t know how manufacturers imagine the majority of the female population. Yes, some of us are twigs but some of us are branches or maybe even trunks, pun very much not intended. And I, for one, have this weird shape that goes in and out and was en vogue circa 1892. This is what I have to work with, now give me decent knickers, not those strips that barely reach my hip bones and only cover half my ass!

And until then I’ll buy myself a drawer full of boxers. I shall defend my right to wear them to the death! They can take my life, but they can’t take my trunks! Technically I could even wear them outside because it’s not really noticeable that they’re underwear. And no one expects the Spanish Inquisition a woman in boxers.

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