All My Past Futures

Okay, so I didn’t have a lot of plans for the future when I was a kid, mostly because I was the kind of kid who planned an elaborate suicide for her tenth birthday.

…what? I can’t be the only one, right? Right?

Anyway, since that attempt failed spectacularly… I never really had any wish for my future career or whatever because I was absolutely convinced I wouldn’t live long enough anyway. I never wanted to be a vet, which was what everyone else wanted, but I’m allergic to all animals anyway so this one was right out. Nor a doctor or a fire-fighter, because what’s the point again if you have asthma? You can’t help other people if you can’t even help yourself! Model or singer or actress, no matter how much I wanted the latter one, were a laugh because I was never, ever skinny and also shy as hell. Living on a farm was a knee-slapper because of the whole allergic-to-the-world-thing. Teacher was so out of the question it was basically in another galaxy because I hated kids even when I was a kid (and absolutely nothing changed since then).

I mean, I suppose I made a bit of an effort. At some point I wanted to be a parapsychologist because hunting ghosts is totally something you should do when you are afraid that undead monsters from outer space infiltrate your wardrobe every night. Yeah… I might have been a bit weird.

I also wanted to be an author, which was a quickly abandoned project as it turned out I had nothing at all to write about. Also, the publishing situation where I live is shot to hell for all eternity. If I had known there would be online publishing at some point things might have been different. Then again, maybe not. I mean, I also tried wanting to be a journalist to bring people the truth, but when I found out that truth wasn’t appreciated, especially in politics, I quit that wish, too.

Growing up with gender roles didn’t exactly make a decision easier. No, you can’t be a manager, that’s for boys. No, you can’t have your own shop, unless you’re a hairdresser. No, you can’t be a pilot or an astronaut either, they’re not hiring any in this country anyway. Forensic pathologist? How do you even know what that is, you’re eight! Somehow Austria in the late 90s was basically wherever else in the early 1970s. My dad wanted me to become an engineer like him but made no effort to interest me in the subject, ever. I also have this deep seated problem with maths so I’m unsuitable anyway. And no one told me computer science was a thing you could study. So… that was a nope.

So in short, every prospective job was impossible due to my health, my vagina, or the fact that everything about it was actually bullshit.

Therefore, somewhere around age twelve I sort of abandoned all thought of future jobs and went back to planning my funeral, which was a lot easier because after all I wouldn’t have to do anything except lie around and be dead. Now corpse, that’s a job with a future. At least that field’s always hiring.

Aaaand I just depressed myself, everybody move along.

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7 thoughts on “All My Past Futures

  1. Haha! How could I not read a post from someone who planned their funeral at the age of ten? Tragic of course, but also amazing – sorry, but it is. I love your post – made me smile. I wanted to be a ballet dancer for a while, but soon realised knock kneed, unsporty, pudgy girls are bottom of the list when it comes to being lifted up and thrown around like a rag doll. I always just …. drifted. Was never encouraged to study, to improve my chances of a ‘career’, just to get out and get a ‘job’, earning small amounts of cash to get by.
    It’s not to late for us, though. You must be a similar age to me – childhood in the seventies? Just wrote a blog piece about writers who weren’t successful until they hit middle age. Come one, release your inner vet/ author/ engineer πŸ™‚

    Like

    • What is it with little girls and ballet anyway, like I swear everyone I know wanted to be a dancer as a kid. What’s the appeal of ballet?! XD
      Close, but no cigar, I’m in my mid-twenties. Granted, Austria in the late nineties felt a lot like the seventies, except for the slowly (veeery slowly) approaching internet thing. I hope it’s not too late, though I’m already at that age where people would expect me to start poppin’ out the future taxpayers, which does not bode well for my job prospects.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha! Apologies, read your post wrong – very much younger than me. You’ve got a ton of time yet – total spring chicken! I’m still working on a change of career and I’ve got a couple of decades on you!
        Yeah, I don’t know what the ballet dancer thing is. Same as the princess thing – we wanna be light and lovely and in some bloke’s arms – great role models for young girls, eh? It didn’t last long for me – by the time I got married in my twenties I was wearing a black velvet wedding dress and Doctor Marten boots πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hah, now you’re probably thinking “Whippersnapper, shut up, you gon’ be fine” XD
        I wanted to be a princess because princesses grow up to be queens and queen means power! Or at least that was how I imagined it.
        OMG, black velvet gown and Docs sounds awesome πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ha! Not sure I could carry off the black velvet now … Queen Elizabeth II might have something to say about the power thing – queening has definitely changed a lot over the years. Seems to be mainly opening new buildings and waving now. Poor thing can’t even have anyone’s head lopped off πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

    • What is it with little girls and ballet anyway, like I swear everyone I know wanted to be a dancer as a kid. What’s the appeal of ballet?! XD
      Close, but no cigar, I’m in my mid-twenties. Granted, Austria in the late nineties felt a lot like the seventies, except for the slowly (veeery slowly) approaching internet thing. I hope it’s not too late, though I’m already at that age where people would expect me to start poppin’ out the future taxpayers, which does not bode well for my job prospects.

      Like

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