Manic Monday, Freewrite Monday: Two Words and My Brain Goes Into Angsty Overdrive

So I finally finished my last presentation for this semester, happily skipping away from the official presenting desk while the tropical rain outside plays a drum solo on the window panes… and I collect my feedback slips. Small pieces of paper with anonymous feedback, highlighting how damn different people are. One slip says “good sense of humour”, and I’m just like finally, someone noticed, because no matter the topic I’m gonna make it fun. Another says “seems unnatural”. Well, excuse the fuck out of you, bitch, I’m up here presenting, of course I’m not being myself. I’m in presentation mode. Means I can’t be my usual cursing-like-a-pirate, saying-like-every-two-seconds self. Just like I can’t swear in a literature review. Of course it’s fake. Deal with it.

But then I’m thinking, so I usually come across as a fake bitch? I mean, I am pretty adapt at putting on a show and hiding every hint that I have feelings like a normal person. Maybe everyone mistakes my depression exoskeleton for playing tough. Or maybe everyone thinks the exoskeleton is fake. Christ, am I even a good person? Am I even a person person?

So here we see evidenced how one small off-hand comment can spiral out of control in my weird paranoid mind.

Also, no computer in my vicinity will work. The printer’s still shot to hell with n sign of improvement, and now my mail service refuses to load. Seriously, what did I do? Did I insult the gods of technology? Must I pay tribute to the mighty Asus who sits on a throne of broken code in the hallowed halls of Windows? Shall I offer libation in the name of the fearsome Registry? What in the name of Twitter is going on here?!

Also, weather. The weather is cold, only it’s not. It’s cloudy and it’s raining. The temperature’s about 20 °C. I’m sweating as if I’m lying on a beach somewhere in a place on this Earth that has actual summers. Someone explain this to me. How can it be so warm while being so cold, and is this why everyone is coughing up lungs like they got TB?

So now I have two weeks tow write three semi-long things. I can do that, I keep telling myself. My motivation sent me a postcard from Cuba.

Am I too humorous? Or not humorous enough? Or is my humour just weird? I don’t know.

Another slip said I might want to come out from behind the computer screen more. Okay, first of all, how am I going to keep clicking for the slides from way over there, and second, no. This desk is my shield. I like it here. Would be even better if you couldn’t see me at all.

Maybe because humour is my defence mechanism of choice I come across as not taking anything seriously? Could that be a problem?

Another slip said I talk too fast. I know, that’s me running away from a presentation I have no desire to give. Just get it over with. Also, we got a time limit and my colleague was taking all she could squeeze out of it.

Maybe I should try being more normal but I have no idea how to do that. I’ve been failing at normal since time immemorial. I’m basically anti-normal at this point. I’m also anti-pointless-presentations.

I mean, at least I’m also well-prepared and have good flow and eye contact. The last one isn’t true, my eyesight’s so bad I can’t even really see faces anymore from a distance.

Still. Wish they had elaborated on the unnatural thing. I’m not that fake. Am I?


2 thoughts on “Manic Monday, Freewrite Monday: Two Words and My Brain Goes Into Angsty Overdrive

  1. Eugh, getting feedback like that sounds horrific! I’d have hated that at uni! I definitely talked too fast and hid behind the computer! Seriously, how else you gonna click to the next one? Plus I have a feeling like the arses I was in classes with would be way more mean.
    Don’t take the unnatural thing to heart, who’s ever totally relaxed in a presentation?!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dunno, maybe they expect me to jump to and fro? Only if I can do jazz hands! It’s anonymous so I can’t even ask the person to elaborate.
      I try not to take it too hard but I’m really stressed right now (end of semester and all) and my brain gets really weird and self-conscious when stressed DX


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