I’m Not Saying I’m Scared, I’m Just Hiding Behind the Sofa Because of Reasons

Today’s Prompt: We all have anxieties, worries, and fears. What are you scared of? Address one of your worst fears.

You absolutely want me to jinx myself, don’t you?

So I already have cherophobia. It’s a funny name for the belief that when one becomes happy, a negative event will soon occur, as if you’re being punished for satisfaction. Only for me this isn’t paranoia, it’s real life. I’m having a good day, Boyfriend comes home with the longest face in history. I did well on an exam, oh whoops, no warm water in the entire house. I’m all smiles and Christmas spirit, someone related to me dies. Happiness is not a fucking game.

And it’s very similar with fear. If I talk about my fears, they come true. How do I know this? Because it happens. Actually, just saying that probably earned me some trouble. Is there any wood I can knock on?

I’m so anxious my anxieties have anxieties. Maybe that’s my biggest fear, that I have some sort of uncontrollable super power to make myself and everyone around me really, really unhappy.

I mean, words have power. Or at least humanity believes they do. Because why else would they have burned old women who mutter to themselves as witches? (Rhetorical question, don’t answer this, I did extensive research on witch trials, I know all the reasons.) And the written word is even worse. Just look at Germanic rune magic. Runes are letters. You know how much damage they thought they could cause with just letters? And the internet never forgets, so if I write anything down here I could probably hex myself forever. Actually, if you’re an actual witch in the times of the internet and you know what you’re doing, you could course someone and their offspring to the seventh generation with a twitter post. Hm…

Apart from that, everything scares me. Getting up in the morning scares me because what if the world ended while I was asleep? What if I wake up and the next world war is knocking on my door? What if I’m suddenly living in Gilead? What if I’ve been transported back through time or through space and have to deal with Morlocks? And all that before coffee.

And leaving the house scares me. What if the super villains decide to give New York a bit of a break and relocate their world domination and/or destruction plans to here? What if aliens invade?

Yes, yes, this all sounds very silly. Of course it’s silly. I’m less scared of super villains, aliens, and the end of the world than the things I’m actually scared of.

I mean, fear does have it’s merits, no? Fear is what kept our ancestors from petting the cave bears. If our ancestors had been walking up to bears and mammoths all like “Let me love you, big fuzzy thing!” we wouldn’t be here today. People who cuddle with poisonous snakes don’t reproduce, either. Presumably, neither do people who try to cuddle a confused and disgruntled alien. Running out into a storm when you’re the tallest thing in the plains is probably not that good of an idea, either. So you know… when your two million year old instinct is telling you to run, maybe you should.

And if it’s telling you to be paranoid… maaaaybe you have reasons to be. Just maybe. Possibly. A little bit. Probably.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be behind the sofa.


5 thoughts on “I’m Not Saying I’m Scared, I’m Just Hiding Behind the Sofa Because of Reasons

  1. Totally excellent from a reader who is right there in the trenches, a foxhole or two away.
    Great writing… oh, and I wanted to say that, when I’m scared of something (like, I used to be afraid my house would burn down) so when I was on my way home, in the car, I’d be hoping that wasn’t true, and when I got there, it seemed to work, my hoping)… so not I hope things aren’t true, that I’m afraid of.


  2. yes, that is it exactly! So try for the opposite, be afraid nothing good is going to happen and it will? As always, highly entertaining….not the fear, the writing….I mean, I don’t want to be entertained by your anxieties and their anxieties, it might upset my anxieties…..


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