What a week, what a week…
Item 1: Rude ass bitches on the bus. Oh, the bus is really crowded and everyone is getting out at the same spot? Well, I’m an old lady, certainly I get shoving privileges! So or in a similar vein I imagine what went on in the old-lady-next-to-me’s mind as she shoved her way past me out of the seat even though I was already standing up, which should be the universal sign for “Calm yo tits, I’m getting outta here too”, past the line of people in the aisle and to the door. Then creeps out the door with all the grace and speed of an invalid slug. Sheesh, lady, hakuna yo tatas before you trip over them! Don’t old people know manners anymore?
Item 2: Buses! A pox on whoever invented buses! If a destination can only be reached by bus, car or boat you know you’ve reached the outer corner of civilisation. Come to the future, we have trains! And undergrounds! Buses turn people savage. Also, they’re uncomfortable because on the edge of civilisation the roads are shit and the drivers are jerks, hitting the potholes at full speed like ain’t no thing. I swear I felt my liver jump and I’m pretty sure my ovaries just high-five’d each other. Slow the hell down!
Item 3: Work related: Why do you always act surprised when I do what you asked me to do? Did someone stamp “Incompetent for life” on my forehead while I was sleeping?
Item 4: Someone explain Boyfriend to me. So I don my no-fucks-given outfit because (biiicycle, biiicycle, biiicycle) I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike (Jaws was never my scene but I do like Star Wars). So picture me in my oldest 3.- Forever 21 leggings, a tank top that’s stretched long enough to cover at least half my butt, cheap sneakers, and a 8.- bargain men’s sweater from H&M, hair in the messiest of buns because it’s been on my head all day, grabbing my backpack when suddenly I hear…
“Wow! Where are you going? You look hot!”
…seriously? This coming from the guy who usually only on the three minute walk from the bus stop to the front door notices I’m wearing a mini skirt or a dress that he always pesters me to wear. Hey, did you see that? The last fuck I could have given just threw itself out the window.
Item 5: Public. Transport. My arch nemesis. To the pair in their late teens with the baby carriage, I say unto thee: Your kid is really ugly. It’s also eating its shoe, don’t you wanna, like, not let that happen? Also, why do you smell like beer at 2 p.m.? This isn’t a one-glass-at-lunch beer smell, this is bordering on Saturday night beer smell. And your baby momma looks really stupid airing her dirty laundry in the middle of the tube all like, “…well, supposedly I cheated on him.” – “Who?” -“Thomas. Yeah, supposedly I cheated on him…” I almost fell down to my knees to praise the gods when you finally got out. Two, no, three good reasons for mandatory birth control until age 30.
Item 6: Someone explain to me why I always feel like crying. What is this, why are my eyes malfunctioning? It can’t be PMS, I’ve been eating bananas like crazy. Could it be… Noooo, depression, I didn’t invite you back! Go away!
Item 7: Well, look at that. You actually found the time to write me two lines of rejection. Thanks, now-not-employer. I mean, at least they’re not just ignoring me, right?
Item 8: My writing mojo may or may not be stuck in an alternative dimension ’cause I can’t find it anywhere. If found, please mail to this address.
At least that week is over. Hello, internet, I missed you. I promise I never leave you again.