Hey there, misanthropic folk and unpopular people, welcome back to another instalment of How To Lose Friends! Last time we looked at some quick and easy ways to rid yourself of old friends. Today, we’re going a step further. We’re going to find more advanced methods to lose those pesky humans.
#1 The Bait and Switch (also called Two Birds With One Stone)
In the old tradition of fighting fire with fire, the best way to get rid of someone is by means of someone else. No, we’re not talking about hiring a hitman (though that is a possibility, albeit an expensive one). The Bait and Switch strategy works well if you have two or more friends you want to do away with. However, it is key that they do not know each other beforehand. Insist that the three of you meet somewhere. Hint extensively to both of them that they will just absolutely love each other. After the initial introductions take in the aura of the situation: Are they getting along? Do they have things in common? Are they talking the entire time, completely ignoring you? Good! Repeat the threeway meet-up two more times to cement their relationship. Once you’re sure they have each others phone numbers proceed to do a Fade Out on both of them. You now have successfully pawned off two friends!
#2 The Happily Ever After (Advanced Nookie Provider)
Want to get rid of all your friends at once? Here’s how: If you already followed the steps of Part 1’s strategy The Nookie Provider this should be easy. Badger, pester and deceive your regular nookie provider into marrying you. The wedding feast will give you the chance to see all your friends one last time before you release them into the wild. Weddings are the perfect opportunity for hurt feelings an unnecessary drama resulting in a complete cease of contact. You wanted to get shot off someone for a while? Don’t invite them. When they ask about it (because they will inevitably see everyone else being all excited about their invitations on Facebook) pretend it has nothing to do with them, you just “having a small ceremony”. Nevermind you invited your second cousin’s niece and her boyfriend. Once your friend finds out they will sulk forever and refuse any contact with you.
At the wedding make sure to make all your female friends jealous of your looks and fortune and make your male friends jealous with the prospect of all the sex you’re going to be having now by tirelessly reminding them of it. They’ll all get catty, bond with each other over a round of bitching about you and your attitude, and presto, you have a variation of a bait and switch. Maybe someone will even find a nookie provider of their own! Isn’t it nice to do something good?
After the wedding vows are said pretend you and your newly acquired spouse are in such a state of marital bliss you absolutely cannot accept invitations or indeed leave the house. If you do go out, take the spouse everywhere you go, refuse participation in girls’ nights or boys’ nights, and when the two of you make it out of the house never leave each other’s side for even a second. If someone does get you alone, tirelessly talk about your spouse and your marriage. Praise or complain, it’s up to you. Make sure to start every sentence with “My husband/wife and I…” or “Husband/wife thinks/says/does…” Follow these fool-proof annoying strategies and watch those invitations go back where they came from!
#3 The Work and Play
Realise that social interaction at work is the only kind you need. It’s unavoidable anyway, so why burden yourself further with outside-of-work friends? So throw yourself into your work with the fury of three premenstrual attacks! Life and, uh, work for work! Company über alles! Bury yourself in so many projects that you don’t even have to lie when you say “I’d love to hang out, but I’ve got so much work to do.”
Alternative for students: Aim for your perfect GPA. Do all your readings and assignments on time, nay, surpass yourself on any and all tasks. Spend your spare time writing elaborate treatises on the justification of, uh, something scienc-y, like the Great Tribble Hunt. Be the nerd you always wanted to be! Or at least pretend you are so you can watch Netflix in peace without all that pesky social interaction inherent in a school environment.
#4 Miss/Mister Rude Thang
This strategy involves a lot of guts. In our society honesty is not best valued. On the contrary, lying is encouraged from an early age. “Does this make my butt look big?” or “Do you think I’m pretty?” are just the tip of the iceberg of Lietome swimming around in the giant sea of Socialconventions. Therefore, this strategy will take some willpower to overcome all your social conditioning. I recommend practising in front of a mirror. The trick is to just be blunt. Just be brutally honest. For once say what’s on your mind. Start slowly with sarcasm and work your way up from there. A small and insignificant “No, of course you’re not fat, hey what’s that, did you just acquire your own moon?” to your best friend will soon give you the courage to say “You’re boring me, I’m outta here” and “I don’t want to hang out with you anymore because [insert reasons]” to anyone else! And with a bit of luck you won’t even have to work hard; people will just leave on their own!
I hope you enjoyed this advanced methods to getting rid of friends. In our final part we’ll find out how to absolutely murder your social life! Stay tuned!