‘Tis me, Interplanet Janet, and I’m Coming to Whisk You Away!

For the record, I’m so stealing that name. I’m just doing this post because I wanted to get that line in.

(Somehow this name sounds like the title of a late 70s indie rock song, The Only Ones would totally do that. Or like a children’s book about an astronaut.)

Okay, so how do you throw a party in the solar system? You planet! Ba-dum-TSS!

Anyway…

So today I, Interplanet Janet, fearless explorer of the galaxy, have discovered a new planet. It’s like Earth, only better. For one thing, it’s about four times as large. For another, this planet has some decent weather constanting (that’s a word now, thanks to my communication officer Linguistic Linda) around 25C, never higher than 35, average humidity. The grass is green, the water drinkable, the air is clean, the trees are high, the birds have tentacles, and they have amazing wi-fi here. Yeah, wi-fi. A planet full of free wi-fi. This entire planet serves as a resort to the rest of its solar system, but the people who own it don’t mind us hanging out for a bit.

Okay, so the more or less local species looks like a cross between a parsnip and a squid, but let’s not be speciesist here. (Although, they laughed at me and my crew because we only have two eyes each.) They’re a peaceable people, not much interested in any sort of conflict. They’re supposedly amazing scientists, too, we should visit their homeworld after our stay here.

Anyway, the planet is pretty much free from inclement weather such as hurricanes, earthquakes or monsoon rains, but apparently twice a year the priest caste of the locals perform a ritual during which they throw sweet baked goods from a temple parked in the stratosphere for this purpose alone. It’s the tourist event, I wonder if we can get decent seats.

Most people come here for vacation. Especially the white beaches are very popular, it’s only an hour from here by zoom car, or 1.3 seconds via beam minus the waiting time, the lines at the beach beam stations can be a bit long, we had to wait an entire minute once.

We “rented” (what we really did was ask if we could stay somewhere and the alien shrugged its tentacles and beamed us here. I’m not even sure if they have currency. They just seem to shrug a lot.) a small cabin for the duration of our stay. It’s in the middle of the wild, no one around for at least a mile, then there are other cabins. The food cabinets are filled automatically, you just put your order in on the screen and activate the beam console. An assortment of small Roomba-like robots help keep the place tidy, but some of them are downright cheeky. One of them asked Linda if she was a cunning linguist and I swear it laughed.

The cabins are also fitted with panic buttons, they literally panic when they sense that something weird is going on and stun everyone on the premise until the police (what they call “peace officers” in the native language) arrive. The first time this happened was because aptly named Chaos Charlie had gotten drunk on what they call Purple Moon Duster, which seems to not only possess an unusually high alcohol content but also convinced him he was a cow, which brought upon a minor incident and of course the panic buttons reacted according to their programming. Fortunately the local police are, like their entire species, telepathically gifted and knew we were telling the truth.

After this we decided to keep it down (and Charlie away form the booze) and went to watch the two moons rise, which is really quite beautiful. Incidentally, one of them is purple. The other is a sort of mint green.

The crew decided to stay another week, and I can’t blame them for wanting a bit of rest after the vulcano planet we landed on recently. So I’m going to change out of the space officer uniform and into my bermudas. Maybe we’ll join the Kisuvian travellers for a trip to the mountains. Oh, by the way, have I mentioned the best part of this planet? We’re the only humans here. Nothing like getting away from your own pesky species for a while.

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