Me Vs. The World

The main problem with the world was, it was always there. You can’t be alone for a single second. You are born on one and, unless your species finally develops some decent space travel, you are stuck on one, with no guarantees except a voucher for as many trips around the sun as you can stand. And every day your infinite roommate finds new ways to annoy you. Today she came barging into my bedroom in the morning, all sunshine and flowers.

“Wakey, wakey!”, the world called, full of her usual mind-boggling mirth. “Don’t think your curtains can block out this awesome sunshine! Get up! Do something!”

I poked my head out of the blankets like a turtle, opened one eye, and rolled back over. “Buzz off, I’m trying to sleep here.”

“But there’s so much to do and it’s 7 a.m. already!”

“I don’t wannaaa….”

“Aww, come on, I’ll make it easy for you. How about people cutting down every least little shrub in the backyard? Now you have to get up, that noise is annoying.”

I clamped the pillow over my ears. “Fuck off!”

“Okay, how about your upstairs neighbours drilling?”

“Fuck oooff!”

“I’m not letting you sleep your life away, you should make the most out of your ridiculously short life span,” the world lectured me, dragging away my nice warm covers. “Up! It’s a wonderful morning!”

I shooed her away and sat up, shaking with tiredness. Why did she insist on making so much noise? “I hate mornings,” I mumbled, fumbling for my glasses to see the world wagging a finger at me.

“Now get yourself ready, you have people to do and things to meet and all that.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

The other problem with the world was, she never gave up. In her relentless cheerfulness, she didn’t even realise how much she was actually harming me.

“You seem lonely. Have some people!”, she said, stuffing me into a subway with twice the usual amount of commuters; there was construction work going on somewhere and everyone had to find a different route to their destination. “There, isn’t that better?”, she asked gleefully.

“No, it’s cramped and they smell weird.”

“That’s part of their charm!”

“I’m not a people person!”

“Not yet, you mean.”

“Listen, I was born a not-a-people-person and there’s nothing you can do to change that.”

“We’ll see about that,” the world said smugly.

Later that day, the world was so bored she started throwing work related problems at me.

“Stop throwing trouble at me!”

“But now you’re not bored,” she said, defending herself, but I could heard a mischievous streak in her voice.

“I wasn’t bored, I was doing fine!”

“Oh, stop whining. Bit of stress never hurt anyone, does wonders for your heart. By the way, your colleague is going to be late.”

On the way home the world threw a man at me, one of those young idiots who feel like alphas making lewd comments. I yelled at him to go back to skullfucking his dead uncle and he stumbled away, disturbed, but my day was already not only ruined but in shambles. I turned to the world, who was trying to look innocent. “Was that really entirely necessary?”

The world shrugged. “He looked nice.”

“You’re a horrible judge of character.”

“Am not!”

Back home I tried to catch up on some assignments, but the world decided I’ve had too much computer time already. “You should go out and do something else,” she said. “Do something more interesting. Maybe you should travel.” That was the world for you, always flitting around looking for kicks, while I was just trying to get my stuff done so I could go back to bed.

“Yeah, sure, why don’t I just go away for a weekend with all the money I don’t have? I gotta finish this,” I said, growing more and more frustrated with the printer. “And then I’m going to catch up on the sleep you cost me today.”

“Aww, but it wasn’t even my fault you stayed up so late.”

“Yes, it was, late night is the only time you’re sorta quiet and you’re not pelting me with humans.”

“You act as if I’m bothering you.” The world, having literally all the time in the world, had no concept of deadlines. “Come on, do something else, this is boring. You can finish this tomorrow.”

I had a very good sense of impending deadlines, they were one step away from manifesting physically and breathing down my neck. “I’m not here for your amusement. If you wanna make me procrastinate, make my friends call me.”

The world crossed her arms. “Why? You said you weren’t a people person.”

“Can’t you just kind of fuck off?”

“Okay, fine,” the world said in a huff. “I’ll leave you to it, Ms. I-got-oh-so-important-stuff to do. Expect the lawnmower crew tomorrow at 6 a.m. sharp.” The world had a habit of getting back at me. Unlike me, she was kind of grudgy.


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