Q&A With Four Homicidal Maniacs

Interviewer: Hello and welcome to the show! Tonight I am here with four ambitious assassins who also all happen to be roommates! Please give a warm hand to Molly Millions, Zam Wesell, Assajj Ventress, and Aurra Sing*… the latter of which is pointing a laser gun in my face, please don’t do that.

Assajj: Down, Aurra. You have to excuse her, she has no manners.

Aurra: (lowers weapon) Might have been a trap, I’m sure I smelled a Jedi somewhere.

Interviewer: Anyway… You are four self-taught, self-employed homicide specialists and have made names for yourself as accomplished contract killers and this year you recently came into the spotlight of the holonet for the first assassin flat share, starting a galaxy wide trend. How did this start?

Zam: Well, I tried finding an apartment on Coruscant but the rent was insane, so I put an ad on the holonet and Aurra and Assajj showed up. We didn’t know each other but none of us is home very often anyway so we thought we’d give it a go.

Assajj: It all went downhill from there.

(audience laughs)

Zam: Moll here joined just the other month, kinda spontaneous thing…

Interviewer: Really, how come?

Molly: Found myself on a foreign planet in the wrong fucking galaxy. No idea how the hell I got here.

Interviewer: That must have been quite the adjustment.

Molly: Yeah, especially the whole Force thing and the Jedi and Sith stuff and all. But the tech is great, I already got another upgrade on my sight enhancers, and as of last week I have a bio-computer that connects me directly to the holonet, I basically got wifi in my head now.

Interviewer: So you’re doing well, it seems. What did you do when you first came here?

Molly: Right, so I wake up, no idea where I am or what day it is, which isn’t that weird, happens a lot…

(audience laughs)

Molly: …but then there’s suddenly this shadow and I look up and there’s a fucking space ship, and I’m just like, yeah, I’m so not in the Sprawl anymore. I ask around, turns out I’m at the Tatooine space port. So the first thing I did was try to find a bar…

(audience laughs)

Molly: …because fuck did I need a drink, and it was the most miserable bar on the entire planet…

Aurra: Yeah, it really is.

Molly: …and that’s where I met Aurra.

Aurra: Yeah, and we just clicked, you know, girls working in a competitive male-dominated field…

Molly: …bonding over cybernetic implants.

Aurra: And guns

Molly: And guns.

(audience laughs)

Molly: Yeah, and like bounty hunter and street samurai really is the same thing when you get down to it, right? So we did some jobs and she since I didn’t have a place to stay the girls let me crash at their place, which is nice.

Interviewer: That’s great! How would you describe a normal day in your lives?

Zam (laughs): Do we even do normal?

Assajj: Well, I get up at 7 am every morning and start my training…

Molly: And wake the rest of us up.

Aurra: Yeah, but you got a day job. Miss Fancypants here is a Sith assassin, like we’re up pulling all-nighters while she takes her beauty sleep.

Assajj: It’s hardly my fault you were not skilled enough for the fine arts of the Dark Side.

Aurra: Yeah? You wanna bite my lightsaber, you…

Interviewer: Ladies, no weapons in the studio, please! Does this happen often?

Molly: Yeah, they don’t get along too well, must be all this Force stuff.

Interviewer: Moving on… I’m sure your line of work keeps you busy.

Aurra: You got no idea.

Zam: Yeah, it’s like half the galaxy wants the other half dead.

Aurra: Most of ’em ain’t payin’ shit, though. Like, I was on Nar Shaddaa recently and they actually got discounters there now, one had a pay for two hits, get the third one free kind of deal. Brings the entire business down, that does.

Molly: Yeah, you really have to sieve through until you find an offer that’s sorta reasonable, I mean, we’re worth out money.

Interviewer: How do you get along as roommates?

Molly: Had worse.

Zam: It’s okay, only Assajj keeps hogging the bathroom.

Aurra: Yeah, no idea what she does in there, polishing her head, maybe?

Assajj: So what, the three of you do a good job clogging the drain with all your hair. Not to mention old skin, looking at you, Zam.

Zam: That was one time, sheesh, not my fault I was moulting…

Assajj: So I may take a little long for my skin care routine but at least I don’t walk around without my face on.

Zam: Aw, come on, not like you never saw a Clawdite before.

Assajj: I didn’t, but ever since I understand why you guys disguise yourself as humans.

Interviewer: Back to your work life. Word down the grape vine says you’re trying to collect the bounty on Padme Amidala…

Zam: Yeah, we’re still working on that, she’s really well guarded.

Aurra: She always has this fucking Jedi with her.

Molly: Or two. They’re tough fuckers, I mean, I’m an expert on hand-to-hand combat, but with those guys, shit, it’s on.

Aurra: Course we’d maybe get somewhere if Assajj wouldn’t always waste time flirting with the old one.

Assajj: I do not! If anything he was flirting with me! It’s not my fault I’m gorgeous.

Zam: Yeah, right. Assajj and Kenobi…

Assajj: Shut up!

Molly: …sitting in a tree…

Assajj: Shut up!

Zam, Aurra, Molly: K-I-S-S-I-N…

Assajj: Shut up!

(Zam, Aurra and Molly exit stage left, pursued by a bear Ventress with two red-bladed lightsabers)

Interviewer: Guess that’s all for tonight. Tune in next time for the big lie detector test when we discover who really is Luke Skywalker’s father!

(audience applauds)


Just a small sequel to this post I wrote a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. None of the characters are mine, I’m basically writing fanfiction here. Again.


*Don’t ask me, ask Google.


Speak up, I can't hear you!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s