They Looked Like Nice Little Old Ladies But They Were Actually…

So for the past few weeks there were people ringing my doorbell in the early morning (as evidenced in posts here and here) and I never opened because, like hell am I going to open the door for strangers when I’m home alone.

But then I thought, what if they’re debt collectors? What if they’re just making sure they have the right address? What if they break down my door and take all our stuff because they have the wrong address and I never corrected them?! (Don’t laugh, that happened, the family had to buy all their own stuff back at auction, their stuff that the state effectively stole.) Okay, admittedly, I have a habit for paranoia.

But nevertheless. What if they just sell magazine subscriptions? I can just say no thanks! What if they sell anything else? I can say no thanks! What if they’re from house management? I can say it was the neighbours!

So I sat myself down and told myself, the next time they ring I’ll open and see what I’ll see.

Today was that day. The doorbell rang. I check through the door viewer and sure enough, it’s them. Two little old ladies, still decked out in their winter gear with trademark huge old lady handbags. I have a day off, so I yell “Just a moment!” while I struggle into some clothes and hunt for my keys.

I open the door, just a smidgen, ask them to identify. They hand me a piece of paper.

It’s not a note of debt.

It’s not a subscription.

It’s not even a business card.

I look at it and my face falls. How do I react now? It don’t feel right being rude to old ladies, so I play along.

“We’d like to invite you…”

I smile and nod.

“…this is the most important day…”

I smile and nod and brace myself.

“… the day that Jesus died…”

Whoomp, there it is.

“…the death of Jesus is the most important event…”

They hand me a pamphlet and sure enough, it’s the Watchtower. They want me to come to their Easter gathering.

When I was younger I used to have my fun with Jehova’s Witnesses, telling them we’re a family of Satanists, that we’re looking for willing sacrifice, sometimes I’d just act possessed. But I’m not a teenager anymore. I’m a grown woman (say it with me like Beyonce: groooown woman), the only Watchtower I want anything to do with is this Jimi Hendrix song, and I feel sorry for these poor lonely people ensnared in a cult that gives them the sense of community and purpose missing in their lives.

So I’m being nice. I thank them. I tell them I read the Bible four times already (What? It’s true. Know your enemy and all.). They say they’d be glad if I came to their meeting. I tell them I’ll think about it and bid them goodbye, wish them a nice day. I think the three of us already know I won’t be going. We’re screwing each other in good understanding.

But what can I do? I’m not even a Christian and I have no intention of ever being one. I have intention of being a researcher. Science is my religion substitute. If anything, I was getting ready to prepare a libation to Ostara, Ishtar, Astarte and all their related incarnations for Easter. I mean, it’s Easter. Even if you have no knowledge of historical linguistics you should be able to see how those names are related. They all go back to an Indogermanic word meaning dawn. That’s why the sun rises in the East, it literally means ‘hey, dawn’s that way’. It’s literally older than Jesus.

(You may also have noticed the absence of bunnies and eggs at the crucifixion. That’s because they have nothing to do with it but are in fact tokens of much older feasts. Eggs have always been associated with fertility and March and April is the mating season for hares (you may have heard the phrase ‘mad as a march hare’, they’re mad because they’re horny), which is why they’re also considered symbols for fertility. Which is why they’re associated with traditional spring festivals all over Europe. Pretty powerful symbolism too, seeing as it has survived the switch to a completely different religion.)

So that’s the mystery of the doorbell ringers solved and you learned another little titbit about etymology! Now how’s that for a twist?


5 thoughts on “They Looked Like Nice Little Old Ladies But They Were Actually…

  1. Hello! I found this oddly entertaining! What do you actually believe in? (Besides science, of course. You’ve made that very clear.) I mean, what is your stance on religion?
    And thank you, I finally understand what Easter Day actually celebrates. I knew there can’t be a festival revolving entirely around chocolate eggs and rabbits.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey there! Okay, fair question, allow me to elaborate: I think there is a very big difference between belief and religion, I see religion as the whole organisational stuff, the church and the doctrines so on. I’m basing this mostly on Christianity, though, because that’s the prevalent religion in my country. I don’t like this because I see it doing more harm than good to people, because while it gives them a sense of community on the one hand, on the other it hands them a burden of arbitrary rules and the prospect of severe punishment, either in life through their religious leaders and their community or after death, usually for pretty benign things like having consensual sex while the Bible doesn’t devote one single line to saying “Hey, don’t rape people”.

      I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to believe in a higher power (who may or may not be humanoid), after all, gods are an extension of the parent archetype, they make you feel cared for and keep you in line. Believing that there’s someone looking out for you can feel pretty good and if it makes someone happy, sure, why not. Absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as they keep it civil and don’t start doing weird shit, like, dunno, raping and murdering people in their god’s name. Basically, I think people should believe what they want but not be a raging douchebag while doing so and using their religion as an excuse for being shitty people. And we should stop accepting religion as an excuse, because if some restaurant owner refused to serve gay people because the Easter Bunny told him so he’d be locked up because that’s fucking crazy.

      I mean, the same goes for science, obviously, don’t use science to be an douche. I’ve seen people do it, hiding behind their mock rationality and invoking ‘science’ they usually only half understand. Bottom line, don’t be an asshole.

      I actually thought about doing an entire post about the origins of Easter like I did for Christmas, but then I didn’t have enough time XD Okay, so this answer was really long, sorry about that. Hope you’re reading it anyway!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I read it all! I happen to be really interested in studying religion. I’m agnostic. But I am interested in how religion affects the non – believers. I have a father who seems really much against religion, some more than others, but I don’t think I’m at liberty to share his thoughts. U can pm me if you’re interested.
        Oh and btw, did you answer the question? Oh wait, you did. You believe in ‘Do anything but don’t be an ass?’ Haha did I get that right?
        Hm I’m confused


      • Yay! Please accept this e-cookie! Religion is super interesting, especially because some themes just come up time and again in so many different parts of the world, it’s kinda eerie.
        Weeell, you asked about my stance on religion and my stances just happen to be extremely broad, but I guess the answer’s in there somewhere 😀 Basically this, yeah, just be a good goddamn human being, with or without divine interference, like how hard is that?

        Liked by 1 person

      • *chomps down on cookie*
        Mm! Really yummy!
        Themes? Eerie? I’m not quite sure I understand what you mean.
        But I like your stance. Religion nowadays is becoming quite counter-productive. Have u heard of Gandhi’s quote? I don’t usually remember quotes but I came across this quite recently so it’s stuck in my head for the time being. When Gandhi was asked what was his religion, he replied “My religion is kindness.”


Speak up, I can't hear you!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s