The Day Someone Made a Conscious Decision to Put Nipples on Mannequins

Oh, to be a shameless and unseen eavesdropper. The places I would be in! Let me count ’em all! I would love to be a fly on the wall…

  • When it was decided to put nipples on mannequins. That didn’t just happen. Someone made a conscious decision to put nipples on mannequins.
  • When someone decided to put nipples on the bat suit in Batman and Robin. That also didn’t just happen.
  • When someone decided to make Batman and Robin.
  • When that James person decided to actually sell her Twilight fanfiction.
  • With whoever decided to name a character Mr Sinister. Extra silly name even by X-Men standards. Same with Sinister Six, I mean just go the whole 500 yards and name your group the Evil League of Evil.
  • When Tinder was invented. “Hey, I have a great business idea! Let’s create a thing that helps people find a shag! I volunteer myself for the first test rounds!”
  • When someone looked at a camera and was like, “You know what? I’m going to use this astounding new technology to film people during coitus!”
  • At the set of the Anaconda video.
  • When the first codpiece was invented.
  • When this guy was painting because I’m pretty sure he was high as a kite all of the time.
  • After every job interview I ever had, I want to know what you bitches are saying about me!
  • Same goes for ever application I ever sent anywhere.
  • When this particular call to the fire brigade happened.
  • Actually, just put me on the wall of any emergency room on a weekend because this kinda shit just happens waaaay too often. “It’s kind of a long story…” – “There’s a halibut up your butt.” – “Yes, well, as I said, it’s kind of a long story…”
  • When Ben Franklin decided to go kite-flying in a storm. “I have the best idea ever!”
  • When Ching Shih decided to show everyone how to do this whole pirate thing.
  • When food bloggers take their pictures. I’m sure the food gets cold in the process. Or is there a magic trick?
  • When corsets were invented because I’m pretty sure the inventor was a mortician. “You know what’s sexy? Girls not breathing!”
  • When Nyan Cat happened. “Let’s put a rainbow cat and some annoying music together! We’ll troll the entire online world!”
  • The first time a horse was ridden by a human. Horse must’ve been like, “The fuck is this hairless ape doing, off!”
  • To find out what really happened when Mary Shelley got the idea for Frankenstein.
  • When Hannibal was like, “Yeah, drag the elephants up the mountains, that’ll show those Romans!”
  • When the first blow-up doll was produced. “Can’t get a date? Now you can, just take a deep breath.”
  • When the stage-manager read through the script: “What do you mean, ‘exit pursued by a bear’? You want to get a real bear? Will, you’re nuts!”
  • Hypothetically, in the Tardis when the Doctor, any incarnation, is alone aboard because I have the sneaking suspicion they’re all doing the dance scene from Risky Business when no-one’s watching. Or at least I hope so because it would be awesome.
  • And while we’re at it, can I be a fly on the wall when the first aliens discover life on planet Earth?
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