So a Pirate, a Space Cowboy and a Dalek Walk Into a Bar…

I forgot the rest of the joke.

Buuuut I got another! So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuffed down his pants. The bartender says, “Hey, pal, doesn’t that hurt?” and the pirate says, “Yarr! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

…no?

Okay… Knock-knock! – Who’s there? – Chu. – Chu Who? – What are you, a train?!

Still not?

Okay, uh… oh, here’s one my Hungarian grandma used to tell. Hope the punchline doesn’t get lost in translation: So there’s a huge party going on at a farm in Hungary. At some point the stone-drunk maidservant stumbles out of the house for some fresh air. After a while she wants to go back in, but loses her way and ends up in the cowshed where, drunk as she is, she falls under a cow and falls asleep. She wakes up several hours later, looks up and says: “Gentlemen, please! One at a time!”

Ta-da! Okay, admittedly, it’s funnier when a 90 year old drunk Hungarian tells it. At Christmas.

Everything I know about humour I was taught by Monty Python, Michael Mittermeier and George Carlin. I must’ve been a subpar student, though, because I’m not really good at telling jokes. I’ve been told I’m funny, but I don’t usually walk around with a routine prepared. Nope. Jokes, puns and innuendos should be spontaneous. Depending on the crowd, this can be super easy. Like when you’re in a group of people who still have the sense of humour of thirteen-year-olds and absolutely everything suddenly becomes a sexual joke. A simple “put it in” or “put it there”, even with no penis around for a hundred miles, will suffice.

Aaaand of course, the minute someone asks me to tell a joke or an anecdote, I forget every funny thing that I said, ever. And what everyone else said, ever. I mean, usually when I visit my parents we’re a laugh a minute because we’re all secretly hilarious. When I was younger I used to write everything down, but now I can’t even remember things for long enough to do that. All I know is that people laugh a lot when I say anything. Maybe it’s just because I’m really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.

I’m really good at telling other people’s jokes, though. I can quote Monty Python at you all day long! When I poke you with cushions you know what’s up! I know the Ballad of Brave Sir Robin by heart and I sing it every now and again. Same with the Viking song from the Spam bit. And the Fisch Schlapping Song from Spamalot.

I’m told it’s really annoying.

I mean, what is a good joke? Well, for one thing, nobody expects a good joke. Its chief weapon is surprise, surprise and astonishment, its two weapons are surprise and astonishment, and misleading expectations, its three weapons are surprise, astonishment, misleading expectations and sometimes a complete disregard of social norms and reality, its four, I’ll come in again.

Ahem. Nobody expects a good joke. Amongst its weaponry are such elements as surprise, astonishment , misleading expectations, sometimes a complete disregard of social norms and reality and the words knock-knock, oh damn.

Okay, so maybe I’m not that funny. Not on demand, at least. Let’s leave it to the experts, shall we?

Why aren’t you laughing? It’s funny, I tell ya!

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