This week was like a James Joyce novel, in that it can only be understood by experts. Last week was a lot more commonplace.
Item 1: Another week, another non-existent public transport ticket. I swear, if I have to call you bitches one more time…
Item 2: Stomach. What exactly is wrong with you this week? Why do you make me feel sick all day every day? And why mostly at night? I started eating dinner, so you can’t be hungry. I checked the entire fridge and pantry and nothing in there has gone funky or called me mom. Is it stress, do you think? Speak to me, stomach!
Item 3: Dicks be cray. Seriously, Resident Man Beast? Seriously? It’s 9 am on a weekday, I’m trying to get ready for a busy day while you have your day off and you just have to go and make a scene about… things I do every day? No, there is no one I’m meeting at uni. No, there aren’t any interesting men, the English program is basically a girls’ school. No, I’m not going to bang any of them either. Yes, I do wear earrings almost every day. Yes, I do use perfume. Yes, I have been wearing skirts more often these past few months. Why? Because I have only one pair of trousers I can fit over two pairs of wool tights and/or leggings and it’s hella uncomfortable and I can barely bend my knees, so skirt it is. No, it’s not a mini skirt. Dammit, it covers my knees! Oh, you were sure it was a mini skirt? Here, let me put it on again. See? What was that? Why am I never wearing earrings or skirts when we go out together? Um, first of all, dick, I am. You just never notice. Remember back in October when I was wearing the actual mini skirt that you always bug me to wear and you didn’t even notice because you were too busy bitching about Hearthstone, then in the cinema mercifully shut your trap, then all the way back home complained some more? Remember how, on the three minute way from bus to front door, you suddenly stopped and said, “Oh… are you wearing a mini skirt?” Apart from that, what exactly do you mean by “going out”? In the last two months we’ve been to see the Hobbit and I wore what I had been wearing all day, then last week we went to grab fast food right after I came from my seminar and, surprise, I was wearing what I had been wearing all day, which may or may not have included earrings or a skirt, I can’t remember, why, because it’s not fucking important! Oh, you’re asking if I’m mad? No, whatever gave you that idea! You’re just accusing me of cheating with random university dudes while I’m trying to leave on time, and all because you never fucking notice what I’m wearing. Get a fucking real problem and deal with your insecurities on your own time.
Item 4: Brain. Maybe it’s a lack of vitamins, maybe it’s sleep deprivation, it could be stress, or maybe it’s just early onset alzheimer’s, but I keep forgetting shit! Just today I left my usb at the office (and I hope to god it’s still going to be there Monday morning)! This comes in the wake of the week I forgot (and lost) my newly bought sweater in a classroom! Dammit, brain! I need you! You’re the only one I can rely on, don’t you die on me!
Item 5: Doctor’s office. You keep calling me at inopportune times, then when I call back I get a health centre that has never heard of you. This is how horror movies start, don’t do that.
Random positivity: Old lady with ice cream cone in the middle of winter: You rock and I love everything about you.