Cause: not posting on time
Effect: feeling guilty and stupid
Cause: choosing an English major
Cause: running yourself ragged doing stuff for people
Effect: not getting any of your own shit done
Cause: baking Christmas cookies
Effect: A wild Boyfriend making puppy dog eyes has appeared!
Item 1: I have a job interview! Why am I complaining, you ask? Because I’m scared as hell and also because it’s set two days before Christmas Eve! I’m drowning in things to do! Now I have to worry about presenting myself and smiling and not making weird jokes that only people who know me very well already would find funny. “Why do you want this job?” Because money! You have money. I need money. Let’s combine this in a legal way, why don’t we?
Item 2: Stares. If I needed to describe this week in one sentence it would be “Da fuck you lookin’ at?!” Because seriously? Is there something on my face? Other than my face, I mean? Is my hair all weird and messed up? Is my make-up smudged? Do I look like your grandma? Did Cthulhu materialise somewhere in the direction of my right ear? All of those are no reasons to stare at me! And I mean stare. Like staaaaareee! Two big eyes burning their way into my skull! Why are all you people looking at me like that?! Is there a ghost behind me, and if yes, why are you giving the ghost such a judgy stare? Stop it! You’re creeping me out!
Item 3: Self. Why do you feel the compulsive need to lie about your birthday? Okay, you’re not the youngest anymore, but it’s not like you’re ninety. You’re not even forty. Or thirty, even. Why are you making such a big deal about it? It’s fucking embarrassing! The people who saw your birth date on a fucking form already know and it’s not like no one can tell you’re no longer bloody 20. Lying doesn’t make the age go away.
Item 4: Christmas. I swear it comes earlier every year. I still haven’t gotten all my Christmas shit together! There’s wrapping presents, making pretty gift cards, and making pretty Christmas cards to be done. Why can’t Christmas be another time of year, a time where there’s less to do? Or do I have so much to do because it’s Christmas time and every least little thing needs to be done before the years ends? Would all be so much easier if it weren’t for the fucking holidays.
Item 5: Motherfuckers, send my card! No, not a Christmas card, the card that says, oh by the way, I can use public transport without paying an exorbitant fee. Which will probably happen, because the motherfuckers won’t send my motherfucking I-can-
Item 6: Preacher on the tram. He started out as a tiny old man in an old-fashioned hat and coat with one of those old people wheel carry-my-stuff-around thingies. Then he took out his notes. And in the most snobby judgy voice he piped: “I would like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas. Now is the time to read the Bible. Jesus Christ is super, he forgives you all your sins.” At this point people started chuckling, probably recounting all the sins they just committed this week. Yes, we’re heathens. “…and from now on, no sex before marriage and if in marriage then only for reproduction…” And the tram went wild. Wild with laughter. I guess the conductor heard the commotion, because the train came to a halt a good 20 metres before the station, and everyone got out, laughing, grabbing for their phones to text this celestial experience to their loved ones, and talking to the other people on the tram (breaking the unspoken rule to never ever engage in small talk with strangers, no, zip, nada, not a word) about what a nutcase this tiny preacher was. Ah, tiny old amateur preacher, how your sermon brought the folk together! United in their ridicule for you and all you hold dear! And their spouses and partners shall surely keep you in their prayers (or lack thereof) when they’ll have an extra helping of recreational rather than procreational sex this week, because there is no bigger turn-on than being told not to have teh sexy timez. Certainly not for the contrary fuckers in this town.
…wait, was that your evil plan all along?
Anyway, gotta run, I got a lot of sinning to do, wouldn’t want to put Jesus out of a job, I mean in this economy and all, you know. What pissed YOU off since last week?