So people – family, boyfriend, not Santa – have started asking me what I want for Christmas. Ahhh, if only you could buy me the planet, world domination to go, please… well, anyway, if I could make a 100% honest list, it would probably look something like this. And let’s just say this is Christmas List Part 1, because I probably come up with some more stuff before the 24th.
Dear Santa, or whoever is in charge, for Christmas I’d like…
- MONEY! So much goddamned money! Make it rain on this ho! I have 99 Problems and money could solve at least 76 of them. About 10 million Euros would be nice for a start.
- A serious job! I’d make a great office monkey. I’m also really good at translation and transcription, and I make an alright editor. I’d absolutely love to be a librarian. But what do you know, such jobs are hard to come by, and the librarian system of Austria is pretty much run by the Illuminati. That’s as good an explanation as any why you can’t get in.
- Time. So much time. Like, get me a Tardis, that’s the amount of time I need.
- A real remedy for my many allergies, I want a cat, dammit!
- Motivation! I need every least little bit of motivation just to get my arse out of bed in the morning. Everything else is only managed by colossal, draining effort.
- Mind-reading abilities. Seriously, this would be so useful. People never tell you what they want, then get mad if you don’t do what they didn’t tell you. Like, what even?
- A device to slap people through the internet.
- A delivery service that delivers well-deserved smackings internationally. Like, enter the name of the person you want smacked and have a big box delivered to them and when they open it a giant fist comes out and KA-POW! The gift that keeps on giving!
- A jet-pack so I can avoid the crowds of humans on my way.
Well, that’s all for now. What’s on YOUR Christmas list? Have you been nice or do you need to blackmail Santa with incriminating photos?