Item 1: I swear, humans were made solely to be in my way. I could rule this planet quietly and orderly if only it weren’t for all those dratted humans. I’m an alright crowd dancer (as in… I’m good at spotting openings in crowds and it looks a lot like interpretative dance as I manoeuvre around everyone), but something must have been in the water this week. It’s like they’re doing a synchronized dance routine where they repeatedly step right in front of my feet, suddenly decide to occupy the space I was heading for, or just form a wall so I can’t get through. What is going on? Why do you try so hard to keep me from reaching my destination? Is this a plan? Is it my old arch nemesis Ticketytock the Time Villain, who knows my Kryptonite is being late?
Item 2: Seriously, though, do I always have to be such a massively awkward idiot when dealing with people? Basically what happened was that someone was introducing themselves, telling me their name, and it was a name I’ve never heard before and I thought they started talking Italian. They were not talking Italian and it took me legit ten tries to understand what was going on. I’m a dingus.
Item 3: Public transport, we meet again. What was up with you this week anyway, public transport? Not a single thing was on time this week, what gives? You know, your app is not always reliable, but I’m still glad I downloaded it so I can at least get a warning when the tram randomly decides to be twenty minutes late.
Item 4: Cost of chicken. So it’s come to this. I can’t even afford chicken right now. I found all these great chicken recipes and now I can’t try them because I can’t buy chicken. I feel old, because I remember when a pound of chicken cost half as much, and that was all of, hm, three years ago. Someone tell me what happened! I don’t have that much goddamn money, the job thing I have is really more of a thing (looks good on my CV, but I’m not exactly forking in serious cash). Ah, well, at least we should get some halfway cheap beef now that we’re headed for winter. Looks like three weeks of goulash and pasta. Three weeks of goulash and pasta it is.
Item 5: Self. Basic needs, we talked about this. Food, dammit! Eat! Go to bed a bit earlier! You browse the internet like it’s your job, don’t do that! Don’t take on every least little task! You can’t get your semester’s projects done all this week, slow down! Slow down and eat!
Item 6: Boyfriend. For someone who works with people every day you’re ridiculously inconsiderate. “Oh, the constant beeping and humming of my whatsapp is bothering you? Your problem!”, “Yes, I’m coming to bed, right after I watch this football match and fall asleep on the couch, then burst in loudly at 2 am!”, “I don’t want to wake you at midnight, I just have to walk in and out of the bedroom four times to lay out my socks for tomorrow… and my clothes… and I forgot why I’m in here… and I need to plug in my mobile phone…”, “Let me empty the dishwasher at 6 am without closing the living room door! What, I thought you wanted me to pitch in with the chores?” I know you don’t like being in advanced training at the moment, but seriously, who pissed in your cheerios? It wasn’t me!
Item 7: To whoever committed the asinine trailer to promote this no doubt absolutely abominable Austrian film, this handiwork which outvenoms all the worms of Nile, which was relish’d of a base decent, this trailer that I had to witness yesterday: You dissembling tickle-brained horn-beast! Four solid minutes of people in dire need of a dentist’s appointment, not to mention a hairdresser, playing air accordion?! Why?! Were you freshly escaped from an insane asylum, you loggerheaded son of Richard III’s codpiece?! You’re not even going to try and give us information about what your movie is actually about? Do you want anyone to see this lumpish suckfest? You jarring spur-galled goat fucker, what are the three things you have to ask yourself before producing ANY type of medium? Type, purpose, audience! Did you even think, you boil-brained gudgeon? What audience did you have in mind when you conceived this loathed issue of your loins and grey matter, a bunch of people whose heads had recently made acquaintance with an eighteen wheeler, and not once, but repeatedly? Are we to assume your film is 90 minutes of air accordion, you currish scullian? Was this just the most successful trolling campaign known to humankind? Because if so, I raise my hat to you, good sir, and say well done! What drunken knaves came the fuck up with this?!
So what pissed YOU off so bad this week you had to resort to Shakespearean insults?