Hey Baby, What’s Your Sign?

Two posts in one day? Say it ain’t so!

(“But it’s Wednesday!” – Shut up, it was Tuesday twenty minutes ago.)

Well, I just came across today’s daily prompt: You’re tasked with creating a brand new astrological sign for the people born around your birthday — based solely on yourself. What would your new sign be, and how would you describe those who share it?

Well, the obvious answer is, grad student, duh. If you can be a crustacean, a goat, or a kitchen utensil, you can be a student.

Now, I don’t know the first thing about zodiacs. To me that whole idea sounds like just another flavour from the big gummy bear bag of bullshit devised by people who spend way too much time looking at the stars probably accompanied by a bottle of liquid goodness made out of apples. Well, mostly apples (brownie points if you get the reference). Apparently, since the universe is expanding, the star connect-the-dots-thingies in the sky are also no longer in the same place, so the zodiac assigned to you at birth may no longer be the correct one.

So might as well make a new one. Okay, imagine for a moment I’ve been elevated to godhood or became an ancient Greek hero and was thusly made into a constellation (some reward, spread me out over thousands of light years, and one of my stars might go supernova at any moment, thanks head honcho of Gods Inc.), well, your everyday astronomy nerd would just see a bunch of twinkling rocks, but what would your everyday astrology nerd see? (It’s okay if you keep mixing up those two, I do too.) Well… a giant majestic figure… of a… rather small woman in a big comfy bathrobe with a tea mug in one hand? No, wait, that can’t be right… oh, darn, it doesn’t matter how I look at it, it still looks like a bathrobe. Hey Jeff, look at this. Looks like a bathrobe alright. Oh, c’mon. Jill, what do you think? Definitely bathrobe. Sigh, okay, fine. New zodiac sign, Bathrobe.

Symbol: terry cloth

Element: polyester

Quality: Meh

Colour: Grey

Planet: far, far away

Opposite Sign: literally everything

Lazy and unenthusiastic, the Bathrobe is the couch potato of the Zodiac. Their laid-back, do-it-tomorrow approach to life inspires them to never wander far from the sofa. Bathrobes live for and on the internet, and can usually be found far away from the life of any party and at the nearest computer. Introverted, pessimistic and always on the verge of nodding off, it is virtually impossible to drag them out of the house and into the world to fulfil their destiny, whatever that may be, break the world record for Fewest Hours Spent Outside? They hate change and prefer equilibrium because adapting to stupid new circumstances is hard.

Bathrobes have a terrible need to spend time alone to recharge by reading books no one in their small circle of friends is interested in, looking at cat videos, and devouring every new piece of information on the internet. When it comes to communication, for heaven’s sake, try another zodiac, you do not want a Bathrobe for anything having to do with talking. Or people, for that matter.

Fiercely sluggish, they must feel passionate about their work or else ain’t nothing getting done. Always one to speak their mind, the Bathrobe does not hesitate to call people out on their bullshit as other people’s petty nonsense threatens to cut short their internet time or, worse, delays their nap.

Connoisseurs of the good things in life and practised in the fine art of eating everything in sight, Bathrobes have no problem polishing off entire bags of chips by themselves. Relationships with those born under the Bathrobe sign can be comfy as long as the partner does not make a mess and is willing to provide ample amounts of scrumptious food.

Conversations with Bathrobes tend to go like this:

“Hey, sweet-cheeks, what’s your sign?”

“Bathrobe.”

“The hell is that?”

“I could tell you, but that sounds like work and I’m so not here for that, so why don’t you go buy that chick over there a drink, good luck or, like, whatever.”

“You’re weird.”

“Meh.”

So, luvs, what’s your sign?

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