Item 1: Brain. Go the hell to sleep. Stop being scared of your own imagination. You’re too fucking old for this shit. There’s nothing under your bed except drawers. Literally nothing else fits there. Neither will there be a random dimension portal, carrying with it creatures from beyond time itself. Go. The Fuck. To Sleep.
Item 2: Brain, again. I don’t get you, brain. I feed us good food for you to work properly, I keep you stimulated, I get you rest, and you just haaave to go and have a nervous breakdown? Why? What did I ever do to you? There’s not pleasing you, brain, is there? Fine, if that’s the way you want it. No academic reading for you until the weekend.
Item 3: Public transport. I’ll start being a normal, relaxed, productive human the day every means of public transport in this city will be on time, which is never. I can leave the house half an hour early and somehow the absolute incompetence of whoever runs the trams will make me half an hour late. Why do you do this? It’s raining and everyone is pissed to hell and back already, can’t you make our lives a little easier at least? What’s that I hear? “Oh, it’s raining, the tram might get wet.” And “Oh, it’s windy, the bus could fall over.” And “Oh, it’s raining, the subway won’t get wet because, duh, it’s underground mostly, but it would be unfair to tram and bus if it would be on time.” Oh, you’re not actually saying that? Are you sure? Because you sure as hell act like that’s exactly the way you think.
Item 4: People who are older and better paid than me and work in public administration. When I asked if you could be any more unorganised that was meant as a rhetorical question, not as a challenge.
Item 5: Boyfriend. You’re not a Vulcan in Pon Farr. I can tell by the lack of pointy ears. You’re not literally going to die if I don’t boff you. Go away, I have stuff to do.
Item 6: Old people. The war’s been over for a good 60 years now, we have unlimited access to water and soap. Use it. Use it before you venture out in public. If you’re fit enough to use public transport you’re fit enough to have a wash. Even if it’s just a sponge bath, please, do anything to make you smell vaguely human and not like something that’s been decomposing under a wet rock for a decade and a half.
Item 7: Nastiness. Nothing says Good Morning like a hobo almost vomiting on your shoes. As in, vomiting. And almost hitting your shoes because she just had to wander right next to me to throw up. In broad daylight. While I’m waiting for a tram. Amongst hundreds of other people, why’d it have to be me? You should be glad I have a strong stomach, I don’t throw up easily. Otherwise you’d find you make a convenient target yourself.
Item 8: Face. Either I’m turning into a unicorn or I have the biggest fucking zit of my adult life on my forehead. I’m very much afraid that I am not in fact a unicorn. And whatever is happening on my chin, please stop. No, don’t do that. Go back to where you came from. Maybe I have bubonic plague? It looks a bit like bubonic plague. Can you treat bubonic plague yet?
Item 9: New glasses. You’re pretty and I love you, but damn if I can see anything properly with you. It’s like looking through a fish tank. I also feel like I shrank down to hobbit size and I have no idea why. Maybe my brain is processing something wrong. Like, the new glasses are bigger than my old ones, so I see a lot more than before, especially the ground. maybe my brain interprets ‘being able to see the ground clearly’ as ‘my face is close to the ground’ and arrives at the conclusion ‘if my face is closer to the ground without me looking down or bending my back that means I must be shorter’. No, brain, I swear we didn’t actually shrink. Eyes, please acclimatise quickly before brain goes into a panic, it’s annoying.
But enough of my grievances. What pissed YOU off this week?